Hello, Unexpected Weight.

Well, it's about time I write in my blog, but more importantly it's about time I write about what's been literally and figuratively weighing me down. I haven't yet found that proper boost to get myself out of this rut and darkness I've put myself in. I think I'm possibly in denial, or something of the sort. I look at old photos on the norm lately, thinking to myself, "If I was this way once, I can be this way again." Sadly, not much has changed about my diet. Just the way my body handles it. Also, I was less active for quite a while, especially in college. I did a lot of walking, but many days I just sat around or took naps.


So let's get real and get detailed. I'm about 5 feet 5 inches tall, which means average weight is from 114lbs to 144lbs (roughly). Throughout high school I was about 105lbs and then as I entered early adulthood, I started hitting 110-115lbs. Today, I average about 141lbs, sometimes lower, sometimes higher depending on the time of day and amount of food I ate or work I did. This means that I am quite close to what is considered overweight, and that is what concerns me. I know for a fact my weight has nothing to do with building muscle because I've not even tried to build muscle. But I do know I've let myself eat poorly and not work it off, therefore causing these fats I've consumed to make a home in my body.

And I am depressed at the thought.

How could someone like me who thought it'd never happen to me end up looking like someone else in the mirror? I get it now. I am humbled now. I never understood weight issues. I used to eat whatever I wanted and endured many years of being told, "You're so skinny. You need to eat more. You don't understand how it feels to have to try on every single pair of jeans at the store." I've heard it all. And it's true. I didn't understand what it was like to have to always pull your pants up throughout the day because your thighs and bum made the jeans slowly slide down with movement. I didn't understand what it was like to not know your size and have to try on everything because guessing if it'll fit or not didn't work out. I didn't know what it was like to sit down and feel rolls of fat touching each other, or posing with your hand on your waist and feeling back fat twist and roll over.

It sounds horrid the way I put it, but it is completely true to my body today and it does not make me feel better at all. I should have taken care of myself long ago, but instead I heard people say, "Eat more. You're too skinny. You don't need to work out." It's like when people go to the hospital when they're dying instead of going for check-ups when they're healthy. We have this poor mentality that if you're not sick, you shouldn't worry. But that is so wrong and I even know that was wrong when I was thinner. I knew that I should have worked out and made healthy decisions, but everyone around me seemed to dismiss that and say I didn't have to worry about it. But I should have cared and they should have encouraged me to be healthy and do well.

I look at pictures 2-3 years ago and notice this significant change in not only my body, but my face too. I look back 6 years ago and feel like that body is long gone. I know she's not gone, I know she's just hiding under all my bad decisions, but she feels so completely far away...

Hello, unexpected weight. I'm not happy you're here, but I know you can serve as a lesson and soon enough...an inspiration to those who might suffer the same. I understand now. I understand the struggle and I'm so very sorry for never understanding beforehand. People talk the talk when they think they know the answers, but you don't truly know someone's struggle until you face it yourself. People with straight teeth, thin or active bodies, clear skin, and lots of confidence try to encourage others to have it, but they will never truly understand what it's like to strive for that when you have crooked teeth, weight issues, acne, or even social anxiety (or all, which is where I'm at today!) Those aren't the people I want to hear from. Those aren't the people I'll listen to.

We are all looking for people that we feel truly understand. And I know there's a girl who was once a size small out there struggling to squeeze into mediums or even larges now. I know there's a girl who hates her smile and could never afford to fix it. I know there's a girl out there who has never had smooth skin once acne ruined it in her teens. I know there's a girl out there who has no idea what step to take to fix any of it, especially her weight. I know I'm not the only one and I know I can help someone if I figure out how to help myself.

This is not who I am. This is not who I was or who I should be. This is the girl that stopped paying attention and let it all go. This is the girl who went through rejection, hurt, pain, and grief. This is the girl that stopped liking herself, stopped photographing herself, and stopped smiling back. This is the girl that doesn't deserve to be in my future.

I need a brand new start and I've yet to figure out how. But I'm confessing that I've lost myself. I'm confessing that I'm unhappy with who I see in the mirror. I'm confessing that I feel less than I should. I'm confessing I do not feel beautiful and I'm ready to find myself to feeling like true beauty again.

I must find her.

Hello, New Life.

It has taken me a bit of time to gather my feelings and emotions to explain the vast difference in my life in just this past month. I went from one extreme to the next, and it's quite phenomenal what the brain and heart can do. Old emotions have been stirred up, realizations have hit, and I recognized things from my past I had no idea were so bad. But then something changes. Someone comes along and starts treating me like I'm great and I wonder why I didn't get this treatment beforehand. But I am thankful.

In my case, I got quite a few new people in my life who changed my world somehow. I've been swallowed in social anxiety one too many times in my past and I've been at the lowest of lows, enduring heartbreak and physical anxiety. But somehow it all changed for me this year and I'm still in awe. It's not that all problems have ceased, that's impossible in a fallen world. But many anxieties have dissipated as I changed my way of thinking and way of life.

I could write a book of scenarios that hurt me, but now I just look back at those moments and allow them to help me appreciate the difference in my life today. I tell myself to keep my confidence and proceed to find more. I talk myself into feeling okay when a social situation makes me uncomfortable--and for the most part, it really does work wonders.

I moved from Southern California, back to my hometown, and then up to Oregon within a matter of months. My emotions were all over the place and I sought out some form of freedom. Being home was difficult because I was on a different wavelength than my family and it was so hard to feel happiness. I felt like I needed to fit into their world a certain way and I just couldn't. I needed out. And then I sat in a car full of my things and drove 8 hours north to find myself surrounded by beautiful mountains and the most colorful autumn leaves I've ever seen. And I haven't looked back.

To top things off, I found myself in a relationship with the sweetest and most caring guy I've ever met. And I wasn't even trying to date at all. I've gone through so many emotions just by meeting him and couldn't figure out what was going on. I started thinking back on my past relationship in a new light, realizing he treated me horribly compared to the man I know now. And that was a harsh realization because I felt wronged even a year and a half later. I've lacked this peace, wondering why the guy in my past never apologized for how he ended things. But then I realized that he probably had no idea how badly he treated me and might never know unless I confessed and sought out an apology.

I struggle to accept that any guy would view me as "the best thing that ever happened" to them, but I somehow found one that looks at me with eyes that say it all. And it was so hard for me to accept that at first. I've found myself having anxieties and the urge to push him away, thinking I got caught up in the moment of someone liking me and didn't think things through. But he is there with me as I push through it and allow him the time to truly know me while I get to truly know him.

Although it's a harsh reality to realize that I almost settled for someone far less than him, I am thankful that God had my back and took me out of a relationship that would never make me happy enough. I now look at the man who calls me beautiful everyday and think to myself, "Is this who God wanted?" Because this is the love that I only dreamed of once upon a time ago and now it's sitting right in front of me. How could anyone think I look beautiful on days I feel disgusting? If that man exists, why on earth would I ever run away!?

There is so much to learn as I go along, but my life in Oregon has proven to be the best decision I could have made post-graduation. I love the people I meet and the scenery out here. I love the cooler weather, even if it's freezing at night. I may not know what's coming next, but I do know that I have hope that I will continue to live my life out here well and that all my concerns will become sorted. I have people supporting me and helping me out and I couldn't be more thankful.

Hello, New Life. I'm so glad you're here.

Hello, Where Are You?

Okay, future husband.

I'm convinced you're hiding away in this life you're building for yourself and the moment I step into your path I'm going to probably disrupt a few things. I feel like I'm seeking this instant connection because it just seems like that's the type of person I am and that that's what I need. But then again, who am I to say how we meet? It's frustrating. I've moved to Southern California, found a guy who surprised me a lot and walked away in the end, then moved back home, and then moved the opposite direction and found myself at the bottom of Oregon. And I love it being surrounded by mountains. But you're killin' me, man.

I tried a new church and the whole time I'm thinking, "Is he somewhere roaming this room?" I walk into stores, "Is he here?" I browse online thinking, "Is he searchable if I knew his name?" And it's pathetic, I know. It's crazy, because I'm sitting here thinking, "What is wrong with me? Why can't I just forget about it and wait?" But I did forget for a while and then after months and months of enjoying my singleness and being preoccupied, I realize that my hand is cold and that I still want someone to hold and hug and talk about everything under the sun together. It's frustrating, okay?

I don't want to wonder about you. I don't want to sit here and die inside because you're not here. It seems rather unfair that I would have gone through the years that I have with the pain that I endured for me to just be some 27 year old still wondering when on earth I'll find someone I like again and that it work out great in the end. I try hard to push aside these thoughts time and time again because quite frankly I've got way too much going on to sit and ponder.

But there you are, in the back of my mind nonetheless. And here I am, still convinced you're going to pop out of nowhere during a moment I'm not looking for you. I'll probably laugh later on when I realize how perfectly you came into my life and how awkward we were at first. I look forward to that day, I really do. I look forward to us reminiscing on our first date. However long it takes, I look forward to it.

Well, I hope you find me when I'm pursuing my dreams whole-heartedly and I hope you can sing. I'll try not to be too picky, but singing is one of my favorite languages... It would just be so nice to find someone who can speak it like that with me...

Until then,
Your Future Wife

Hello, Singleness: It's not too late to fall in love this year...

I guess when you really think about it, it's not too late to fall in love this year. It's only the beginning of the 8th month, meaning we have five months left and only God knows what's left to accomplish this year. I honestly can't believe this much time has passed since my first relationship ended, but then again, I was quite distracted by starting a new business.

Reality changes when you actually look around and realize who is actually by your side when life gets tough. But then there are those moments when you take a break from the hustle and bustle and want to share a moment of laughter (or simple conversation) and everyone on your mind you can think of is most likely preoccupied with life (or a spouse and/or kids). And there's nothing wrong with having those friends, but they can't quite relate to you when you're single at twenty-six and have no kids to take up more of your time.

Sure, I'm independent and can go wherever I want and whenever I want... But at the end of the day, who wants to know the tiny accomplishments I make or the dumb moments I've had? Who wants to hear about the complications of starting a company with the tiniest team? Who is going to sit and watch some creepy, psychological thriller with me in the middle of the week?

I've went over a year without feeling that desperate need to have and hold someone, but attending my mom's wedding has reminded me that there is no escaping the internal cry to share moments with another human being in a more-than-friendship sort of way. It reminds me of everything my last relationship lacked and what caused it to fail and the things I was deprived of in the time being. I held back to somehow accomplish his idea of a "normal" relationship, trying to always say the right things at the right time and never embarrass him in public.

Boy, was I missing out.

The problem wasn't that I was capable of embarrassing him in public, but the fact that he would be embarrassed if I acted silly or raised my voice. And all I could think of was how happy I wanted to be outloud. Then there were those exceptional moments that the silliness came out and to me, it was all worth it. But why? Why on earth would I have had to try so hard just to enjoy someone's presence to the fullest? And over the months and months of trying to be rid of my anger over it all, I finally came to a point that made me feel so much more confident in myself.

Hello, Singleness. You've been here for a while and I realize it's not too late to fall in love this year. And I guess I have these hopes he'll come out of nowhere and be this incredibly fun person to be around, respecting me as well as honoring me. It wouldn't feel like some business deal, where I have to have a certain job or amount of money just for him to stay with me (like the last guy). I think it's possible because I just watched my mom marry someone who can be real, serious, funny, and crazy all at the same time and they still know how to enjoy each other's presence. Nothing has to be perfect to make it work. No, you just need two people willing to try their very best to stick together through anything.

I knew the moment I got back from this past fun weekend that I had a lot to think about. I've masked my longing and my pain with my business and refused to go down that road of feeling the emptiness without a partner in life. I've masked it because it was extremely painful for one too many years and I didn't want to feel that way again. I thought I escaped it, but it's so hard to ignore. People think they have the right advice but I'm not looking for advice. The only thing that even helps in this time is the hope that God can send anyone at any time and a friend who can say, "I know exactly how you feel."

I've tried my very best to accept the fact that marriage never happened for me when I thought it would and I even finally became okay with how long it's been taking. I know I'm still young, but it's still been an 8 year battle (with the exception of a 7-month relationship--which was its own battle). But let's be real here. I've tasted and seen what dating is like, what a relationship is like. I still have so many questions and curiosities, like "What would a long road trip be like with someone?" or "How does it feel to be with someone who actually loves me?"

I know there are others out there who might feel the same. I know this because the more stories I hear, the more I am reminded that we all suffer through various battles as humans. I'm  building a career that allows me to know more people, understand more struggles, and see that we are not alone in anything. I'm not the only single person in their mid-twenties who has only experienced 7 months of a relationship. I bet there are others out there who are my age who have never had a relationship at all! I know I'm not the only one who has been rejected either. I'm the only me, but not the only one with these concerns.

I know the wonder is coming back and I know it'll take time for me to adjust to feeling this way all over again. I'll keep moving forward and keep hoping that someday, I'll move on from this season and find my place. I continuously hope to move away from the valley and keep my company going and grow it continuously no matter what. I know that it's possible to find someone along the way to make my days brighter and hug me when things get gray. I know God has my best interest in mind and that all I have to do is endure no matter what. I must stay patient and let life just pan out the way it's meant to pan out.

Things are changing. Things are moving. I am not comfortable for a grand purpose. There is time to fall in love again.

Hello, Hometown.

Wow, I can't believe it took me this long to blog about what's been going on. And because the unexpected happen more than once since my last post. I call this Hello, Hometown, because I did not expect to be back. But allow me to lay down the thoughts and emotions going through my head just in case someone, someday, comes across this blog and relates. My hope is to help someone remember they're not alone in struggles.

I had a room lined up with a sweet couple from my church in Southern California. I stopped worrying about finding roommates and money to rent straight after graduation. (Let's face it, if you don't have a wealthy family helping you out, finding a place right away can be a struggle! Unless you have connections to a high paying job.) Anyway, because I had a room lined up, I focused on my senior year with no extra stress. But come March, still assuming I have that room, I find out they let someone else take it and I was out of luck. I freaked out and spent April looking for my plan B. Mind you, I graduated in a month at that point.

I thought I had a family express they'd take me in if I had nowhere else to go. But when I went to them, they too changed their mind. Confused, I tried so hard to trust God. I told some people at my church and they just sympathized (what more can they do, huh?) I feel like God grabbed my world and turned it upside down on purpose. Determined to figure out why, I went along with everything. I had little to no time to figure it out. I decided I would instead live in my car.

Now, you're probably wondering why I didn't result to immediately finding a job to afford living with roommates in LA. But here's why that didn't work: First off, I founded my startup business in August of 2016. I had been pursuing it every free chance I got since I started it. I used my credit card for t-shirts, the website, you name it. I was going ALL in with no regrets (and still no regrets). I had a room lined up during that time and it comforted me. I knew that I could start my business in LA with the help of the couple from my church who supported me. I was going to pursue photography as extra income while I waited for the website to succeed and all was going to be fine.

I did not foresee the change in living situation (or lack of). And before I knew that was happening, guess what else happened in March? I bought a ticket to England for my vacation after graduating, my way of celebrating. I was going to split costs of hotels and things with a friend and we were going to explore together. So when I lost that room, I had nowhere to stay before and after my LAX flight out to Manchester, England. Could I get a job right after? Nope. My England flight was pre-paid for by a client of mine, non-refundable, and basically set in stone for a 3 week trip. And after weeks and weeks of waiting to at least see if my friend was going, she expressed it was bad timing and changed her mind.

So that was it. After graduating I would have no home, no place for my stuff, and one week to fly out alone to England with no extra spending money because I knew I had to use it on an unexpected storage unit for my things, gas to drive home, and figure it out... and then drive back to LA just to get on my flight. I could not have been more surprised by the outcome of life because nothing, absolutely nothing, went to plan.

Now, you're probably wondering what ended up happening because obviously I've stated I'm back at home. But it didn't start off that way. My mom's home didn't have room for me. All rooms were occupied and the house was actually overpacked with family due to my mom taking in another little family. I figured I'd live in my car until I figured out my life...but then an aunt called and long story short... she offered me a room at her place. Not really an idea place to stay, but it was a room and I had to suck it up and accept it, even though I feared feeling like a kid, living under a family member's roof.

And that was exactly what went down. I was there for a week, all was okay. I drove back down to LA, stayed at a friend's, thought I had a ride to the airport, found out I didn't literally 20 minutes before the time I planned to get picked up, had an anxiety attack, wasted $50 resulting to Lyft, got on my flight, and flew to England. My friends there cancelled on half the plans, I was alone 2/3rds of my trip, and eager to come back home. I come back home and find out my old room is going to be available again soon. I express to my aunt I'm moving out, she treats me like garbage, forces me to get out that day, calling me a kid, I somehow get all my things in my uncle's trunk unexpectedly without any boxes to pack, and I'm out the door and on my way to my mom's.

I start advertising my photography business again and no one schedules. I'm digging into savings like there's no tomorrow just to pay my bills on time. I spend countless hours job hunting just to hate every option because nothing in the central valley fits anything I am passionate about or even went to school for. I no longer had the opportunities I did in LA and I had to start right back at square one. And all I could think is, "How on earth did this happen and why?"

Hello, Hometown. You're just the way I left you.

I'm different now, I see that. I'm determined to get my own place and build my website into a community of people who inspire and help each other. I'm determined to use my art for good and build a company off of it. I'm determined to collaborate with likeminded individuals and turn this all around because I believe God allowed all of this to turn around and end up like this to instead show His glory... And I know He's going to do something impossible because I'm broke as a joke, living at home, starting a business because I refuse to give up.

This is my story and I have to choose to move forward. I am beginning to think that God knew I needed something here at my hometown to get me started that I wouldn't get in LA. I believe that God planned this all out just to remind me and show me that it is impossible for me to know the future and plan for it. It was like this great reminder that I shouldn't be so consumed with what's ahead of me and I shouldn't overly plan or obsess with planning like I tend to do. And He wanted to show me the beauty in the unknown instead of the fear.

So here I am. In a place I didn't imagine being but I'm humbled. I am here to understand yet another reason to empathize with others instead of judge. I'm here to inspire others to show them that when you really want something, it is possible no matter what your circumstances are. I'm here to be a living example of doing what the world doesn't believe you could do. One day I'll rise and look back at this time and understand how completely necessary it was that I lost everything in order to gain everything.

The unexpected is a scary, beautiful, and glorious thing when you let God take the lead in your walk of life. If I didn't come home, I wouldn't have been able to see my sister choose to pursue fashion design and join me in the business. I wouldn't have been able to work closely with her to allow the website to flourish even more and even faster. If I didn't come back this way, I would miss out on all these stories that were here all along. The place I grew up at. And how funny it is that the sermon I heard on my last day in SoCal before I moved away was on the idea that God sometimes tells us to go back home in order to find our way.

Sometimes we just need to go back home and start over.

So here I am.

Hello, Freedom.

Here's a little somethin' on my mind that I never necessarily opened up about. At least, not in a blog. And I think it's something very important to recognize. There are going to be people in your life who come and unknowingly cause you to doubt yourself. They question your success and pass worry over to you. It happened to me in a very sad way. It happened from a person that it shouldn't have. But today I can see myself in a much better light and I've been able to also take note in how much more freedom I've found without them.

Let's give a little background. I'm fully aware that my past relationship was discontinued due to his lack of faith in me (and love, I'm sure). And one of my biggest struggles that I tried so hard to communicate about was how often I felt that he didn't  believe in me. It was as if he didn't know how to listen to my passions and encourage me to do what makes me happy. Instead, it really felt like he was trying to make our relationship into a business deal. So in the end, he was hoping for dual income, not companionship. My priority, however, was companionship. And I noticed there were some faults that needed fixings.

He and his friend did a particular bruising to me (mentally). They spoke about their jobs and would somehow throw it in my face (and my friend's face) that they work hard and deserve a certain respect. They would laugh at certain lifestyles and remind us how tired they work and how often it is. It was as if their jobs defined them. And I guess it sort of did. It irritated me because I was undermined too often. My photography business that I started at age 16 meant nothing in their eyes, even though I had the ability to make my own money without being employed and I'm not sure they could do that. I had a service to offer and I took care of myself.

The man I was with worried about me. He worried so much that it hurt my feelings because all I could see is his doubt in me. Would I get a job after college? Would I make a lot of money? Would I pay my loans? Half the time, I felt as if none of this was his business because he showed me no promise of a future with me. He showed me no interest or serious commitment for potential marriage. And because that was the case, I didn't think he deserved to know my financial standings. He ignored the part where I said I took care of myself and that I've financially saved myself from my debts for years. All he could think was that no one in my family would help me out instead of thinking about the fact that I was not privileged like he was. He didn't see my potential for more. He only saw me as a risky asset to his "business relationship" we somehow ended up having.

Before I knew it, he was secretly making decisions on his own that I wouldn't be "rolling in the dough" or getting him his ideal life. He made me feel like I was a child and he was an adult. In reality, I knew that he had a low of growing up to do in the relationship area and losing him was probably for the very, very best. Ever since that ended, I was able to focus on what I wanted to do with my life without someone constantly asking about my debt, my plans, or my career choice. And without that doubtful voice on the side, I could find my "spark" much better.

So then I founded my next startup business, which hasn't been launched, but is definitely in the making as I finish up schooling. I have never felt happier with my plans and I've also been able to embrace this sort of faith that doesn't need to know every detail of my future. And I know God works this way because He has always surprised me with the perfect solution to all my problems. I tend to fail at guessing, but I've been so open to whatever it is He plans to do in my life and it's been extremely liberating.

Without him making me feel bad for a life I haven't even lived yet, I'm able to plan a life I don't even fully know about yet. He's not influencing my decisions and I'm seeing how much better it is that way. I will try my best to continuously forgive him (because the LORD knows how long it's already been taking...) I embrace my ability to empathize with people and understand that life is priceless. Money isn't my goal, but rather putting money in a better place to make a better life. I want to change lives no matter how much I make.

I knew his motives behind the breakup and it explained absolutely everything when he said to me, "My biggest fear is that you'll become extremely successful." The only sad thing about that fear is that he didn't already believe I was capable of becoming successful. But the funny part is that I knew I could. He also said that if I were to make a movie, I would make him look horrible in it. But you know what I said in return? "No, I would make a movie about how great you are." And my final words to him that day were that my goal of the relationship was to love him and remind him that he matters in this world.

Never once did I doubt his potential, his future, or worry about his ability to make money or not. I wouldn't care if he got fired and became broke. Love stands by your side no matter what. And that's why I now know that the next guy to be with me will be someone who pursues me, believes in me, and takes the time to know me in every single way possible. He will love me no matter what my income is, no matter my debt, and no matter my success. And because of that love, I will strive for success in every way and I will soar high because God is my strength.

Hello, Freedom. You're here and I'm going to travel the world and change lives.

Hello, Bad Day.

Not really sure where to start, but let's just say this week did not greet me well. After losing my key to my apartment somewhere before I drove my car 4.5 hours back to school, I had to immediately dive back into classes and stress. But then Thursday happens. Good ol' Thursday. My Wednesday was a normal day. I worked, had lunch, took a nap, did homework, did slight online shopping for an extra battery for my camera, then went to bed.

Upon waking up on Thursday morning to my alarm, I was extremely tired because sleep was hard to come by (even with my sleep aid pill I only take on nights I know I won't sleep). Nothing gets this body to get drowsy except daylight! Anyway. I wake up and realize I was just dreaming about my ex-boyfriend and his dad was there, married to this really young chick. I don't think he wanted me there (we were at some house I've never seen in my life). But my ex was glad I was there and I was just sort of going with it. I don't remember all the details except when I woke up and thought, "What? That was weird..."

I realize I'm running late and rush to get ready. I grab a quick breakfast, grab my purse and backpack, and head outside. Upon approaching my car which was right out front of my apartment, I notice my hand sanitizer bottle on the ground by my car. That was my first clue that something was up. I grab the bottle and realize all my doors are unlocked, all my stuff in the car is messed with and there's my car's paperwork thrown out on the seat, my sunglasses and my mom's cassette tapes in the middle department, my receipts thrown out of another small compartment, and my t-shirts box in the back move out of place.

I felt so violated and disgusted knowing this happened and fearfully opened my trunk, hoping and praying that I didn't accidentally leave anything of value to me in there because that's usually where I temporally hide the good stuff if I don't have time to carry it to my apartment when I'm parked far away. It had been a crazy week already, I was still slowly taking things inside after my trip home. I knew I took out my cameras and only had household things in there, like a stool (photography prop, hah), my tripod, another box of t-shirts, air mattress, vacuum box from the portable handheld vacuum I use in the car, and some oil for the car.

And then there was my new camera's box it came in packed inside of the box it was shipped in (a plain brown box). It was left wide open with the camera box missing. As happy as I am the camera wasn't in there (because I'm not that dumb and I wouldn't just casually have a new camera chillin' over night in a car), I'm still upset they took a box that I intended to keep with manuals I would have liked in case I needed them, and in case someday I sell the camera. I love keeping my original boxes to my equipment because I'm a photographer and new equipment is like a new baby. I'm sad because it's something I literally cannot replace unless I buy a whole new camera (which obviously isn't happening haha). But in the end, yes, I am thankful that I had nothing worth stealing in the car. I have double and triple checked that my new camera is safe in its bag just to feel better.

To the person who was dumb enough to take an empty box and dirty my car... I hope you get caught and suffer consequences for invading people's property. Just get a job and make your own money!

On another note, I really need to hurry up and graduate so I can have time to work and get income and buy a new car! I need one with keys that automatically lock it so I never have to fear if I remembered to manually do it.

Hello, Unexpected Purchases.

Today I did something radical. In fact, it's the second radical thing I did and I'm not even ashamed because my faith has sky-rocketed in the past few months and I couldn't be more proud of my God. He heals broken hearts, comforts the grieving and shows up right on time to solve your biggest problems. And when one bad thing happens, a good thing comes in return. And when that good thing comes, I'm not afraid for another bad to try and compete because I know the power of my God and I know I'm not afraid because of that.

Today I purchased my next dream camera. It's been since 2011 that I felt this way when I purchased my last camera. I eagerly waited for it to arrive, explaining to my students' mom that I had a package coming that I needed to sign for before I could come teach the kids. And I delayed work to sign for that package, born on October 4, 2011. I went to teach and 2 hours later I could finally come home to unbox that new baby and feel inspired to do great things. And I did just that.

I did great things. And as the years went by, those great things faded and faded, especially with school. And I lost a part of me. A good part. A part I was so fond of and yet couldn't find for months and months out of each year I was in school. I was almost angry that I got myself stuck in a place that didn't let me explore, be, grow the way I was used to. But at the same time, I was thankful for the challenge. I was thankful for the people I met and the friends I made. Because that, to me, was worth the cost that college came with and I wouldn't change my past one bit. Well, maybe a few tiny things. But who cares! I am greater because of my battles.

I wanted to save up for it, I did. I wanted to feel "responsible" the way the world judges responsibility and make everyone around me happy (or my way of avoiding someone telling me how to live my life, hah.) But this debt of mine is mine and mine alone. The money I make is on my own and the items I purchase are my chosen investments. You see, my business has always been photography and I'll always have that part in me. I will find myself on photo sessions, feeling proud of the outcome and sharing it on social media because it's a story worth telling. This is why I know I couldn't save up for something grand when I need something grand to make that happen.

Let's make it simpler to understand. I'm used to using items to make money, and that's called business. And in that business, I invest in equipment that helps me produce a product that holds value. To someone else they see a camera worth $3k or more, but to me, I see thousands of dollars in trade for stories, memories, and art to place in someone's home to cherish forever. Because let's face it, memories are more valuable than money and people don't pay for money, they pay for goods, services, hopes, dreams, memories, and the list goes on. I'm not trying to collect money-no, no, no--I'm trying to trade it in for the greater things and let it help me give to others those greater things in life, those greater memories, and those greater moments.

I don't see debt, I see a sum of money I need to earn through the investments I properly chose. A businessperson would understand completely the idea of buying wholesales in order to resell each item for a higher price in order to make a profit. And the average person who strays from business would somewhat, sorta understand so long as it is explained or searched on Google. Well, that's basically been my life and I didn't even know it. I knew what it was like to take something small and multiply into endless possibilities. You spend first, earn later. That's basic business.

So hello to unexpected purchases, because my motivation came back, my hope came back, and my faith soar high--finally after all this time. Because all I want to do is trade in the riches in this world for the priceless gifts it holds. All I want to do is make someone's day while simultaneously doing my best to change the world. And as someone once told me, a wise old man well into his career in business: Money isn't bad. Earning a lot of money isn't bad either. You don't have to love money in order to make money. Because if you take from the money lovers and the prideful, you allow it to be placed in your hands and you can decide of the better places that money can go toward. (These words were my paraphrase, but the concept was his.)

I will never forget when he said that because I finally started to see the value (and only value) that money has. It alone is worth nothing. But it can be traded for something that can change lives, and until you notice that, you'll always strive for money and end up empty and alone.

I grew up earning my money with services. I never felt good spending money I didn't earn myself. The only time I allowed it was when I was young and my dad asked if I wanted a snack and as his child I said yes and let him buy me food. He helped bring me on this earth, he helped me get through and provided for me for many, many years before losing his job and eventually years later losing his life. I'm changed because of that but if there is one thing I remember is that he traded in his money for something that made his daughter happy. He practiced the value in it even when times were tough. He provided food no matter what, no matter how, even when I was able to purchase my own (which I did, but he still brought home food). My mom was the same, always feeding us and taking care of us. I grew up not with the idea that money gives you everything but that everything is found in people and in love.

Before I change subjects, I will conclude to say that before making my dream purchase of something I know will bring me great things and further both my business (photography AND my startup), I decided to purchase something that will help someone else's dream first and now I have all the more reason to earn that money back because I knew where it was spent. Not everyone has the advantage of credit, I understand, but I worked my way toward it and I earned it because I always, no matter what, pay my loaners back because they help me reach dreams and deserve my loyalty. That's how I view investing and I always will.

Hello, Imagination: Being Single at Twenty-Six

Well hello there, Imagination. You're making me realize all over again the inner depths of my heart, my hopes, and my dreams. I've kind of given up for a while. I actually stopped feeling the aches and pains of being unmarried and without kids. In fact, I'm starting to think that the glimpse I got of it in my very first relationship, in a sense, turned me away from it for a bit. Not because I didn't want a relationship anymore, but because I was so hurt by how horribly wrong it went and how disappointed I became after building up 25 years worth of hopes and dreams (or maybe 11). It's not that I wanted that build up, but how could I not have dreamt during the wait?

Rejection was all I really knew. I endured a span of about 9 years feeling rejected by two different guys at two separate times. And then when a guy shows any sort of interest towards me, it's always with someone I cannot see myself in a picture with. And as a photographer, that means something deeper than it sounds. You see, to me, attraction and personality are the two important factors that go into a relationship. A good looking guy with a selfish personality is not going to work out--I would know, as I ended up with that despite our 3 year friendship beforehand. I was unpleasantly surprised that he would become someone so concerned about what he gets out of the relationship and what it looks like for him. I was well aware that the breakup happened because of his fear that I wouldn't look good enough next to him or make enough money.

On the contrary, an unattractive (to me) guy and great personality would have me questioning why I feel that way the whole time. And I'd hate to be with someone who wasn't attracted entirely to me either (again, 'cause let's face it, that's why I was rejected by my ex for three years beforehand when I finally had the courage to ask him why we couldn't be more than friends... Don't know why he dated me later on and dumped me if he knew that all along...).

Anyway. The point I'm trying to make here is my Imagination is back. I imagine what it would feel like to meet someone who truly saw me and someone I saw deeply in return. Something so beautifully mutual that not one of us is giving so much more than the other. I know that I'll know when I find this and a part of me keeps hoping that I don't have to worry or try so hard because he will just pop up out of nowhere and change my life. And that's because I don't want to try and write my story at all. I just want my God-written story because I'm starting to believe that maybe...just maybe I was the one who wrote my attempted last love story... and although I didn't write the ending, it wrote itself out because I needed to know what it felt like to be wrong... It's a hard fate to accept, but it gives me more empathy credit.

And now I'm slowly turning back into that hopeful Stephanie who knows love is special and knows it's worth fighting for no matter what. I'm turning back into the girl who daydreams about it because I'm real, I'm human, and I have feelings. I don't care what other people say anymore. I know my worth is in God and I know God is good and that's all that matters to me. I have so much to look forward to and yet half of it I hope is highly unexpected. That's the point of this blog, right? To truly embrace the unexpected things in life--both good and bad.

Hello, Imagination. I'm glad you're back. :)

Hello, Misfit.

Hello, Misfit.

I always knew I grew up differently and felt things deeper than the average person I met. But I'd have to say I'm a little surprised by this one today. I'm a little surprised because I knew that when I came to school to move out and pursue a passion (in reality, I really just wanted to change my life around), I did not expect my feelings to change and shift as much as they did, drifting from what once felt like a fun dream to a dreadful thought. I would have never guessed I'd come to this point, but because it's here, I guess there's no other way but to accept it and move on.

Let's start from the beginning. I enter school and finally get assigned my first video project. I think to myself, "Piece of cake." (And it was). We then move on to what we call here "335" because that's our lazy way of naming the class instead of the title, "TV Cinema Production II." Although most students complain about the complexity of the class and the amount of stress, I find it to become my favorite one. Yes, there was stress, but not in the way that I expected, nor in the way that other complaints I heard were about. And that was the beginning to discovering the reason of my misfit-ness (for the lack of a real term). I'll get more to why later.

Next class I attend for production is our advanced cinema course, in which I finally discovered before it started that I wasn't a part of any of the cliques and I completely missed out. So I get placed on the team that had less people and quickly learn who is in the class. Although I wasn't happy with my leftover position, it wasn't really anyone's fault, not even mine, honestly. It was just reality, and I wouldn't be able to see why yet at that point. I grew to love the people, and I tried my best to love being on set. But I still dreaded the weekends because I was unhappy with what I was doing.

Next, and officially last, I began the senior production course. That's where I'm at today. And that's what is leading me to write this blog and realize this epiphany. Set life doesn't make me happy in general. Because if it did, the people I worked with wouldn't matter. But it does. And I find myself on a really different wavelength than everyone. In fact, I don't even have the energy anymore to stand up for myself when I feel mistreated. And I definitely have been feeling that way. I do it for the sake of my grade, and I'm the editor, so it's nice to increase my editing skills through this. But I'm not happy at all.

I don't know what it is, the vibe or the reality, but it's helping me really see why I even came to APU in the first place. And my reason for coming is playing out clear as day. I came because I wanted to change my life and tell stories. And the only class I got to tell a story that meant something to me was 335. The dreaded production class that made me stand out differently because in that class, I got to do most of it by myself. I got to have independent and control over something that meant a lot to me and if no one helped me, it didn't stop me. And that's the thing, I'm no longer telling a meaningful story working with others because I'm not even working with people that personally know me or like me. In fact, I don't even know if half the group cares to like me. I still do my very best to be respectful and do the best that I can, even when I feel disrespected or put down on a low level.

In reality though, I am dreaming of telling stories that change lives again. That's what I wanted to do and that's sadly what I didn't get to discover as much here at a Christian University. And I was that one student who stood up for Christian films because I knew those people who created them were probably a little like me. When you love Someone so much (God, that is) and you want to tell stories with Him in it no matter what. Even if it's implied instead of explicit. But the most meaningful story I've been a part of was last semester, in which I am thankful for because it gave me hope that deep storytellers still exist and they still treat people right.

The hardest part about this all is the part where I try to open up and explain and I feel unheard or misunderstood. I want people to know that even if I quit school earlier and followed my truest passion, I would have been successful because I've always believed in myself and made dreams into reality as best as I could. I teach myself whatever I want to know and I do whatever I need to get done in order to do it. Some dreams are harder than others (like fashion photography), but I still pursue something similar (like creative photography). I guess I just really want my feelings to be accepted right where they are. No one freaking out at the idea of me dropping school (even though I'm not because I still need time before graduation to figure out things, and also because I'm so close to finishing the semester and I happen to be someone who struggles quitting in the middle of something). But still. I want people to see that if you need school, good, go for it. If you don't, good, do your thing.

We are capable of learning through people no matter what! Whether we read books, learn from experience, peers, or online tutorials--we are capable to do it in any way. Often times, the most successful person was someone who dropped out--and we know that story is very, very true. And you know why? Because passion goes so deep that it will do whatever it takes to make dreams a reality. And those people are out there proving that. And we look down on drop-outs like a degree determines worth and it doesn't.

I'm the misfit in this major because I feel hindered from pursuing and reaching my goals because I happen to not be the type of person that can handle someone else determining my learning path. I learn what I need, I experience what I want, and I succeed at my own rate--and that is OKAY. And it'll always be okay. Because I never want someone who couldn't go to school feel like they aren't capable of being successful. My dear, YES YOU ARE. It's crazy how fast you'll learn something when you're heart is motivated. People love seeing passion--we just forget about it when it gets lost in expensive text books for general education classes that push the young individuals away from focusing on their strengths.

Dream. Collaborate. Travel. Explore. Live. Be the misfit in this world and don't let anyone stop you.

I'm so eager to have time to tell my stories, be creative, and make dreams reality. I'm so eager to travel the world and listen to people from all over. I'm so eager be my own person who stopped following the norms.

Hello, Letting Go.

Or should I say, "Goodbye bitterness"?

Let me be really honest here. Last night was a real night for me. I had been ignoring built up bitterness and unforgiveness because quite frankly, I'm not used to it. I've been that one person who forgives easily, trusts quick, and loves hard. I was used to that life. I've had friends turn on me, get angry with me, and I've fallen fast over hurtful words. But I've also been reunited with them, I've found peace, and I've held onto friendships through thick and thin to my best ability as a human.

But I've never fallen in love so hard with someone who let me walk fully into their life and push me out in one sitting, one hour, and one moment. I've never had to let go of that pain and I've never had that sort of bitterness build up. I'm going to be really open about this because I know there is someone, somewhere out there, struggling with the same thing. And today was the day I finally recognized it to its full extent. Today I became free again.

It started last night, as I was in bed with the lights off and I finally looked up and uttered the words, "Dear God..." There was flashbacks to all the days I neglected proper prayer, all the moments I focused on something to distract myself, and all the hopes and dreams I had without taking a moment to even deal with a bitterness still hiding itself inside of me. I mean, didn't I already deal with it when it first happened? Didn't I walk into church many, many Sundays and confess to God my pain and sorrow? Didn't I confess my anger?

But I never truly let go because I was masking what I didn't want shown and running from possibilities I was afraid of. Last night I truly realized it because I confessed to God that I knew if I forgave the man who took a piece of me with him when he walked away, I would risk caring for him again in my heart. And I knew if I cared again, I would fall again, and if I fell again, I would miss him, and if I missed him, I would be in pain and never move on. And I couldn't get out of this horrible cycle, this fear of attachment, and this rollercoaster ride that had a certain person's name all over it. He's the only one who has ever come into my life the way that he did and the only one who looked at me with eyes I knew I'd never forget.

And I was angry at him because I fell so strongly in love and did not expect this to be the ending. I was angry because it made no sense and being angry helped me forget the forgiving and loving side of me that I always had toward him. But I was so determined last night to bring it all to Jesus, to bring it all to the throne and admit that I did not want to feel that way anymore. That I truly wanted to forgive him and let it all go. That I wanted all that confusion and fear to go away. I didn't want to get anxiety at the idea of running into him someday. I didn't want to go pale at the thought of his presence because of my bitterness and fear in my heart. I wanted out and I wanted to be set free.

It has been too long that I've fought my feelings for someone like him. Someone I know still matters a significant amount to God.

So I confessed. I prayed. I asked for help. And you know what God did? He delivered right on time.

Today was my "Hello, Letting Go." Today I sat in church, my two friends absent, and focused completely on the message. And it was perfect. God reminded me through my pastor that after my resting in Him that I felt last summer, it was time to walk in the Word of God because it is alive and active and I do not need to live in the guilt, shame, bitterness, or unforgiveness. At the end of the sermon, Pastor invited those who were in need of letting things go and being made new in Christ and leaving that place changed. He invited these people up to the front and at the sound of his Amen, he told us to make our way to the front and WALK away from the guilt and shame, walk away from the things we held onto and walk INTO God's presence to be set free. His words still echo in my mind and I can still feel the tears that creeped their way out of my closed eyelids. I can still feel my body shaking inside as I lifted my hands and claimed that freedom.

I walked away lighter. And although I'm used to my bitterness, I have this reminder now that I don't need to let it come back. I can move forward. God is able. God is setting me free from the feelings and reminding me, "You are not the same anymore. You are not your bitterness. You are not your anger. You are new." And to continue such a great Sunday afternoon, I joined friends from church for a wonderful lunch and there were smiling faces and people glad to see me. And I knew in that moment that I was well loved no matter what.

To the one that got away...I am incredibly sorry for how much bitterness I held in. I loved you truly and I meant it all. I forgave you in times of sorrow and I meant ever loving action I ever committed toward you. I hope from now on I can remember you as a person I was able to love and that letting you go was the last way for me to love you enough. Because I did love you enough to let you go and that is why I didn't beg for you to stay. I knew you needed to find yourself and figure out things and I knew that I was too far in advance with love for you that you'd never understand until time did its thing. I was mad because I was too afraid to still love you and I hope someday, even if it takes years, you'll know why.

Hello, Goodbye.

Well, I think it's about time to make something a little more official. And what's more official than actually publicly writing it out in a blog and removing every thought I had about it from my mind to this entry? It's interesting to say hello to the unexpected. But I never really thought about the idea of saying hello to a goodbye. An official goodbye. One that I assumed I made, but maybe I didn't. One that I thought for a while was temporary. One that I thought I'd change my mind on. But it's more real than ever as time passes that saying goodbye could be the best step I take in order to officially move on. So here goes.

Hello, Goodbye. It's about time I utter you and let it sink in. I let a large portion of my heart accommodate a man who wasn't quite ready to own that place. And I also let that man talk me into breaking my own promises. He'd blame me, but that's because he never really did listen to me. If he listened, he would of understand why I was so hesitant in the beginning. He would have understood why I broke off our friendship as many times as I did. He also would have understood that when I was giving up on him, I was trying to walk away to move forward. And if he understood that and respected my feelings, he would have let me go knowing he couldn't afford my worth.

But somehow, he talked me into believing he wanted to give us a try and the honest truth is that I never believed him. But I chose to give him a chance nonetheless. I chose that because I knew he was hard to love and I knew I was the only one willing to do so in his life at that moment. We both humanly entered into that with two separate reasons. Maybe I was a "test run" to him, but I treated him as the "real deal."

I rejected many things in the beginning. I even hesitated a million times on the idea of a first kiss. I kept my face away in fear that I would be wasting my first on someone who didn't actually want me. I guess I saw him slowly attaching himself to me and I guess that eased the mood a bit. And eventually he got more out of me than he paid for, metaphorically speaking. On all the things I explained and said no about, he didn't understand it. In fact, he'd get upset with me for not being willing to do certain things, as if I was the problem. But he didn't listen.

He didn't listen at all.

I was hesitant and afraid because he never could ease my fear. I didn't feel loved by him and he would be irritated when I explained I couldn't see his commitment. Looking back, I was dead on when I believed he wasn't committed. Because if he was, he would have lasted a lot longer than 7 small months. At 25.5 years of life, 7 months was only less than 0.02% of my life. I sensed it coming so many times and chose to believe I could be wrong. That he could stay.

It has been almost an equal amount of time parted from him now, at nearly 7 months more passed by since the initial goodbye. And he never came back. Not to apologize, not to talk it out, nothing. He disappeared like I meant absolutely nothing. It was as if he invested nothing into me and had nothing to lose when he left. And I had to accept that someone such as him did that to me. He invited me into his life, he opened up, he took things from me, special moments, special words, and allowed me to get to know his family. And then he stripped it all away and vanished just like that.

It took a while, but the goodbye finally sits here with me. I disconnected from him completely because it has been enough time to truly understand I am meant to mean more to someone else. And that someone else will come along as my "Hello, Unexpected Stranger" and that blog will be written out. And I hope and pray that the man from my past will not come back and confuse me again. Because it's true, I feared him for so long, I couldn't get rid of him in my heart or my mind. I was tired and yet I couldn't escape him. But I'm ready for that escape. That final and silent goodbye.

I'm ready to be the me without him pulling me down.

Hello, Goodbye. You will vanish with him and I will stand tall. He has no control over me now and I'm certain of it. I will beg for confidence that will keep me strong if his path ever accidentally crosses mine again. He will no longer be able to know or play with my feelings. He couldn't love and I loved too much. I'm ready for a new Hello.

Goodbye, old friend.

Hello, Daydreaming.

I should probably say hello again, but there was a significant pause in these particular daydreams. I know when certain types of daydreams begin again, it means my heart is either shifting to new hopes, or having withdrawals. Let's just face it, I can't help but lay down at night and look forward to the made up scenarios I put in my head. Sometimes I think about why it's happening a lot more now, but I've really always been this way. I'm a dreamer and a hoper. It's hard not to wish for more to come.

I'm starting to become convinced that my heart is actually moving forward a significant amount. I have learned that I missed out on a lot while I endured the months of loving someone more than he loved me. Without him here, the sadness finally subsided and turned into hope for someone new. It's been off and on that way, but this time it came with beautiful daydreams.

Before anyone thinks it as unhealthy, I've somehow mastered the idea of daydreaming being simple entertainment as opposed to false expectations. This occurred when I taught myself that God can bring you something far better than your dreams and that it's impossible to imagine your actual future. With that in mind, I make up great scenarios of my future while simultaneously assuming it will never happen that way. Sometimes I even avoid wishful situations because I don't want to ruin the chance of them happening in real life. Silly, but hey. I'm a creator, storyteller, and adventurer. I'm not going to sit back and not think.

I have been able to truly decipher the difference between being loved and being used. It occurred to me that I can now recognize my worth far more than possible just over a year ago.  I got to see myself love someone who didn't quite deserve it at all and realize the strength it required. Today was one of the first moments since then that I walked down an old pathway where I used to bump into him at in the past and I had a smile on my face because I could see how much I've grown since the girl who walked that path with anxiety and fear. I remember the many tears I cried in the years of being rejected.

His ultimate rejection and walking away has led me to finding the cure to my fragile heart. I now feel as though I've lost the desire for someone like that because they won't end up better. They'll end up gone. My heart has finally wondered and wandered to the idea of being drawn to someone who actually does love me instead of stuck on someone who doesn't. This idea that love is beautiful and attractive seems like it'd be obvious, but it was (and still is) fairly foreign.

But I can see the beauty of it because it's not worth it just to be in a relationship. It's only worth it when both partners are working toward a future (not just one). I probably assumed this in my head when we started a relationship, but I quickly did learn that some guys want the full benefits without paying full price. This happens to me with my photography business all the time. To see it in relationships is sickening. I'm changing that. I'm changing me.

My daydreams are of a guy who pays attention to me, remembers me, and values me. Someone who genuinely wants to know who I am, what I like, and doesn't pick on me for my weaknesses. Someone who doesn't need to be reminded constantly of what I say, like, do, hope for, etc. I already was with someone who couldn't even let me choose what we'd do because he'd change his mind. That was detrimental to me and I now know not to let someone get away with that. He accused me for not choosing what we do for fun, or not making decisions but he blindly missed the sad fact that he didn't hear me nor care to hear me. He forgot my suggestions. He didn't make time for them. He canceled on me. Or he changed plans easily. The only reason we did what he wanted to do all the time was because between he and I, I was the only one who was considerate toward the other. I LET him choose and I took INTEREST in his interests... He totally failed to do so and I wish someone could shout that out into his ear because I already lost connection with him the day he tore us apart.

He lost me and he deserved it. He tried turning it around as if we are different, but he failed to recognized that he was not built for a committed, loyal relationship. He was too selfish and prideful to notice.

Hello, Daydreaming. Thanks for showing me that I am capable of being with a loving guy because my heart deserves to be loved back. I have hopes that he'll come on perfect timing and it's finally starting to feel like it will near. I want a adventure buddy, artistic photo buddy, and someone who is capable of listening to me in return. I'm running a new business that it split into two separate departments that will soon enough intertwine, and I'm putting it all together. I'm leading the way to show the world that I care and I'm listening.

Don't come back to me hoping to take more from me, past. I've already moved on to greener pastures.

Hello, Entrepreneur.

It is about time I splatter words here again to awfully explain my unexpected life turns. This time I think I found my next calling. It sort of just happened, but I'm extremely glad it did. It's like the pieces were always there, but God found it time to put them together so I can see the whole. Now I can look back at all the years I've been growing as an individual and take note in the fact that I had a calling before I knew it and God is just too good. I'm pretty sure there is way more to come that I don't know about yet, but that's the beauty of life. You just never know.

It's pretty obvious to me now that I was never really one to "go with the flow." In fact, that is so rare with me that when it happens I honestly feel like something is wrong. When I'm going with the "flow" of anything at all, it is basically me "giving up" on something. It's not really a good thing. I was more of the type who figured out my own solutions to each problem that headed my way. I actually can see this strategic mindset playing a huge role in my past relationship. I think that's why I found ways to make every issue we had work. Unfortunately, he still walked away without caring how I felt about it all, so that problem was impossible to fix with him gone all of a sudden.

Something I will forever hold onto though that he told me a long while back as friends was that I tend to see the bigger picture. And that simple sentence has sat with me all this time. It is true. I have a tendency to step back in every situation or story to view it as a whole. He learned this about me because of my willingness to listen to his life story and view his life as the bigger picture of it all. This helps me encourage people, and the more I recognize I do it, the better it is for me to use when listening to someone.

So let's tie this all into my entrepreneurship I've got going on. I learned something very, very beautiful thanks to the two men I've ever fallen in love with over a span of 8 years. But it was this last one that truly got me to see my heart. I remember the night I told him, "You are my favorite person." And his response: "No one has ever said that to me before." I proceeded to remind him every so often how utterly important he was to me and that he matters in this world. In fact, when he had his break-up speech, my first response was a reminder of that. I will never forget the image I saw when I looked over to see him in the shadows with tears falling down.

That sparked something in me before I knew it. When I hugged him goodbye, I teared up and looked at the sky, and the tree branches before me still show so clearly in my memory. I prayed in that moment that God would give me the strength to handle that heartbreak. And of course, I made it through. I fought hard each day to find my strength again. I saw him about a week later when he was distraught because he was almost fired. And I gave him a gift and yet again reminded him of his worth. When he walked away again, I could not understand at all why this disruption in my life occurred so suddenly. How could I easily lose a best friend? How come my words didn't change his mind? How come I couldn't find a solution to our sudden problem? For the first time, I had no idea what to do and decided to accept what was happening as if it was God's will (as much as I could not understand why.)

To this day, I still believe God had made that beautiful interruption to change the hearts of two beautifully broken people and He proved to me that He is the ultimate Creator of seeing the grand picture. His view was far beyond any bigger picture I could ever imagine and I had to accept that. But it lead me to where I now stand today.

I am meant to change lives.

My calling came in such a dramatic and heart-wrenching time. It came when I lost my best friend and all I could think about is how much it meant to me that I came into his life and showed him how much God loves him. Because even if they walk away, it's still worth it to be that message to them. It's still worth it to plant that seed. I hope and pray now that the seed grows so big that it hurts his heart and bursts into tears of pedals from a beautiful flower growing within. And I pray that he remembers me in that light, despite my human failures of anger when I was hurt. I hope he remembers the good and misses me for that because then I know I did my job. Then I know I fulfilled my purpose in his life.

Hello, Entrepreneur. There are loads of people out there with doubts and failures just like him. There are people who forget their value. There are people who have never been someone's favorite. In fact, I often feel like one of them many, many times. Because he walked away from me, it has placed this dent in my heart that reminds me there are other people who feel pain and heartache. Who will listen? Who will show them love? Who will go out of their way and tell them that they matter?

I decided to put my talents together and oversee a company that stands by that message. That our purpose for serving and selling is to make money to give back to a world that is lost, forgotten, and valuable. I decided to take my ability to see the bigger picture and dream big enough to make something happen. I'm not going to back down. I'm going to use my motivation and my heartache to reach out to this lost and lonely world. I'm going to be that light in the dark places. I'm going to be the one that reminds people of their importance.

Because even though the person I truly loved broke everything we had, I got to learn that what meant the most to me was simply making him feel like he still mattered in the world.

He still matters to me and I'm doing this because he taught me that without even knowing it.

Hello, Unexpected Heartache.

This morning I woke up and remembered my dreams. They both contained the person I had to let go of. But he came back. I was so excited to get his call in this dream that I searched everywhere for silence to hear his voice because I was surrounded with family members at a big house. I couldn't find anywhere private so that I could talk to him. Finally I did. He was calling because he was going to leave me an encouraging message and didn't know I'd be awake.

I woke up to reality that he is not back in my life. This is one of many dreams I've had of him. The past two months I have accumulated anger inside of me for him. Because anger is so much easier than sadness. Being angry at him and searching all his flaws, I found, was a lot easier on my heart. I didn't even realize how much I stopped praying for him or me. I just focused on my life, my goals, my plans, and my own needs because that's what was getting me through. But, somehow, I feel as though God was calling me out of rest because I got comfortable.

In this new comfort zone, I zoned out into the future of a life where I could just forget about the heartache. But somehow, at night time, it started coming back to me when I realized... my heart is not over its brokenness and I'm not ultimately angry. In fact, I am just broken. I am in need of lamenting; I am in need of prayer; I am in need of more healing. This sudden realization that I am still in desperate need of God's love and grace is putting me in so many tears.

I am so afraid of people who will want to tell me how to feel, that I acted like I didn't miss him anymore. But the truth is, I do miss him. I miss him because he was my best friend. I miss him because I took so much time just to know him, and to understand his flaws and to love him that way. I put my heart on the line just to be with him, even though I knew he wasn't certain about me. And so the anger kept me away from crying these past two months. I held off. I enjoyed my days as myself. I tried to distract myself constantly. I focused on giving friends time. I even put all my worries aside and kept dreaming big like nothing ever happened.

But like a rock slide on my path, my heart was disrupted as if God were telling me, "Stop denying your feelings. Come to Me. Let it out." And here I am. After enough dreams, after enough memories flooded back... Here I am. The unexpected at its best. I am surprised by this sudden overwhelming feeling of love, grief, and forgiveness. For many weeks, I could not get myself to get rid of the anger and to forgive him. But yet here I am remembering all the reasons why I chose him in the first place.

It is taking everything in me not to run to him and to run to God instead. I want to express how much I miss him but I know my fear tells me he doesn't want to hear that. And therefore I feel that going to God will be the safest bet during this unexpected flood of emotions. As much as I want to be angry so that I don't feel anything, I would only be lying to myself.

This is how I feel right now. This is all I know right now. And I'm starting to wonder if this is God's way of showing me that He grieves with us. That we crave someone to just sit with us and let us feel what we feel. To not correct us, to not fix us, but to sit with us. God asked me to rest and for two months I managed to move forward and get things going with myself. But now, as I find myself weak again, I feel as though God is saying... "Get ready for battle. I've got your back." If I am hurting, surely He is hurting with me because my heart wants to love. It doesn't want to feel anger anymore.

Hello, unexpected heartache. I see you now.

Hello, Sudden Missing.

It has taken me quite a while to sit down and pour out the words I've been meaning to say. But since this blog is about the unexpected things in life, I think now is a better time to write. I have a small audience, which might only include one person for now, but sharing is worth it if just to help one person feel less alone.

This unexpected moment though is a very common one for me. It's that moment you lay in bed at night and all silence falls around you. It's that moment where suddenly you feel a rush of emotions hit and you know exactly what's in your heart. That was my moment last night. I grieved all over again, tears streaming down the side of my face and my whispers only floating through the empty space above me.

I was missing someone.

In fact, I was missing two people. There have been two men on earth that I have loved and one of them has already ascended into Heaven. The other one walked away from me and left me to just wish and dream I won't cry for long. Both of these losses were unexpected and sudden for me. Both of them hurt me deep down inside. They both hurt for many different reasons, but equally important to me. I will forever miss my father who is no longer with me, but it's comforting to know that he is with God and loved me until the end. Unfortunately, I don't know how long I will feel the many emotions that have come from my one and only relationship that ended before I could say a word.

What do you do in those moments where all the anger fades and the pure love returns in your heart? What do you do when you find yourself missing all that was good? That moment for me came out of the blue. I had spent days and days that turned into weeks of focusing on my future, my plans, and my dreams. I was deep down angry inside that he gave up because he made me feel like I'm not good enough. I chose to rise tall and embrace how great I have been made and somehow, even if he didn't know, prove him wrong in every single way.

The anger, even if for just that small moment at night, faded quickly. His smile, his sparkling eyes, his laughter--it all returned like it never left. I cried because I remembered everything. I cried because I could still picture his hand in mine. I cried because I had no say in changing his mind. I cried because I remember how quickly, how easily, and how sudden he changed his mind. I cried because I lost him and I lost him because he wanted to go.

I cannot understand why he would have wanted to go with how dearly, how deeply, and how genuinely I loved him. I took the time to know him and now he is a stranger to me and my mind cannot embrace that reality to its fullest. Somehow, I've moved on. Somehow I've returned to my single state and fell right back into who I was before him. Somehow I was right back to where I started before we reunited last year. Somehow, it's like the months with him were just a dream and one day I woke up.

He is the only one that gets my hands to shake uncontrollably. He is the one I am most scared of. He is the one who now wears dark eyes when our paths accidentally cross. I cannot understand how this is so, yet I move forward in high hopes that either this will fade or I'll wake up and understand it was a nightmare all along. I know it's reality though, I'm fully aware. Anger has kept me from genuine prayer and falling all over again with the tears coming quickly leads me straight back to the Father in such a way that says, "God? I need You."

This change in heart for me all over again is sudden. But honestly, I'm most afraid of falling for him all over again because he's the only one who knew his way into my fragile heart. I wish that were not so just as much as I wish he was back.

Your worth is high, no matter who comes and goes. But I believe the act of missing is just proof that you have a heart that loves. I'm moving forward, no matter what.

Hello, Unexpected.

This is the part where I explain I'm entering a new season in life. You know, where your whole world shifts a bit and you realize that everything you previously imagined has completely changed. This usually means you have to start planning differently or setting new goals because the pathway was disrupted and the road is invisible. This sort of world-shift happened when I lost my dad almost 3 years ago. It happened when I experienced rejection and anxiety so bad I skipped 3 weeks of class. It happened when I put all my effort into a relationship with someone I deeply cared about only to be pushed away unexpectedly.

There is the shift again. There is the climax and the ending soon after. And what do you do when life throws rocks at you? What do you do when your world is turned upside down? What do you do when nothing seems to go the way you once thought? This is a blog I'd like to start as my new journey starts to say...hello, Unexpected. Here you are again.

If you found this blog by any sort of happenstance or from my sharing, please feel free to join along as I embark on another adventure in life. I will write about the unexpected and how I get through it while simultaneously sharing how the Author of my life intertwines His love into my broken pathways. The past couple months or so my pastor had been teaching on the idea of what to do with a God who goes off script. Conveniently at this time, my whole life took a turn, practically forcing me to apply the knowledge immediately and directly.

I know firsthand what it feels like to have everything around you change dramatically and unexpectedly. If anyone knows me, they know I love planning and I tend to plan pretty far ahead as best as I can. I get sucked into the perfect strategic plan at times and not much can hinder me from playing out my plan. I am stubborn when I am committed and I don't like downgrading an idea if I don't have to. But besides those traits, whether they be useful or dangerous at times, I understand quite deeply how you cannot plan the unexpected. I have gathered faith throughout the years and practiced perseverance throughout all my trials.

I am ready for the unexpected and I still attempt to master the concept of planning ahead while also being open to the unexpected to hit at any moment. I believe that God's way is a way we cannot imagine. And if that is so, then He has the ability to disrupt our plans when we seek Him for something better. If I ask God to send me great things and that His will be done, how can I expect to still go ahead with my plans?

Meanwhile on this new journey through the unexpected, I will refuse to allow myself to become selfish. I truly believe that if it's God's will, it includes other people. It will include loving others, it will include sacrifice, it will include endurance, and it will include a lot of faith. I suspect great things are coming and that I cannot guess them at all. It doesn't matter what I personally plan for my life, each new step I take will be gently guided by my Heavenly father. And if you need that hope, that little glimpse of life in a dark world, join me along on this journey and expect the unexpected.

Your life shouldn't be about the amount of money you make, the title you have at your job, the car you drive, nor should it be about the title of the people you know. Good things might come to those who can handle it (or to those who selfishly seek it and end up miserable and alone). The enemy in our lives makes the bad look desirable and we must remember that. Don't give in to the lie. Choose to lose the pride that may tug at you (don't be afraid of the words "I love you"). Okay, those are lyrics, but I agree completely.

Hello, Unexpected. Let's see what you have next.