Hello, New Life.

It has taken me a bit of time to gather my feelings and emotions to explain the vast difference in my life in just this past month. I went from one extreme to the next, and it's quite phenomenal what the brain and heart can do. Old emotions have been stirred up, realizations have hit, and I recognized things from my past I had no idea were so bad. But then something changes. Someone comes along and starts treating me like I'm great and I wonder why I didn't get this treatment beforehand. But I am thankful.

In my case, I got quite a few new people in my life who changed my world somehow. I've been swallowed in social anxiety one too many times in my past and I've been at the lowest of lows, enduring heartbreak and physical anxiety. But somehow it all changed for me this year and I'm still in awe. It's not that all problems have ceased, that's impossible in a fallen world. But many anxieties have dissipated as I changed my way of thinking and way of life.

I could write a book of scenarios that hurt me, but now I just look back at those moments and allow them to help me appreciate the difference in my life today. I tell myself to keep my confidence and proceed to find more. I talk myself into feeling okay when a social situation makes me uncomfortable--and for the most part, it really does work wonders.

I moved from Southern California, back to my hometown, and then up to Oregon within a matter of months. My emotions were all over the place and I sought out some form of freedom. Being home was difficult because I was on a different wavelength than my family and it was so hard to feel happiness. I felt like I needed to fit into their world a certain way and I just couldn't. I needed out. And then I sat in a car full of my things and drove 8 hours north to find myself surrounded by beautiful mountains and the most colorful autumn leaves I've ever seen. And I haven't looked back.

To top things off, I found myself in a relationship with the sweetest and most caring guy I've ever met. And I wasn't even trying to date at all. I've gone through so many emotions just by meeting him and couldn't figure out what was going on. I started thinking back on my past relationship in a new light, realizing he treated me horribly compared to the man I know now. And that was a harsh realization because I felt wronged even a year and a half later. I've lacked this peace, wondering why the guy in my past never apologized for how he ended things. But then I realized that he probably had no idea how badly he treated me and might never know unless I confessed and sought out an apology.

I struggle to accept that any guy would view me as "the best thing that ever happened" to them, but I somehow found one that looks at me with eyes that say it all. And it was so hard for me to accept that at first. I've found myself having anxieties and the urge to push him away, thinking I got caught up in the moment of someone liking me and didn't think things through. But he is there with me as I push through it and allow him the time to truly know me while I get to truly know him.

Although it's a harsh reality to realize that I almost settled for someone far less than him, I am thankful that God had my back and took me out of a relationship that would never make me happy enough. I now look at the man who calls me beautiful everyday and think to myself, "Is this who God wanted?" Because this is the love that I only dreamed of once upon a time ago and now it's sitting right in front of me. How could anyone think I look beautiful on days I feel disgusting? If that man exists, why on earth would I ever run away!?

There is so much to learn as I go along, but my life in Oregon has proven to be the best decision I could have made post-graduation. I love the people I meet and the scenery out here. I love the cooler weather, even if it's freezing at night. I may not know what's coming next, but I do know that I have hope that I will continue to live my life out here well and that all my concerns will become sorted. I have people supporting me and helping me out and I couldn't be more thankful.

Hello, New Life. I'm so glad you're here.

Hello, Freedom.

Here's a little somethin' on my mind that I never necessarily opened up about. At least, not in a blog. And I think it's something very important to recognize. There are going to be people in your life who come and unknowingly cause you to doubt yourself. They question your success and pass worry over to you. It happened to me in a very sad way. It happened from a person that it shouldn't have. But today I can see myself in a much better light and I've been able to also take note in how much more freedom I've found without them.

Let's give a little background. I'm fully aware that my past relationship was discontinued due to his lack of faith in me (and love, I'm sure). And one of my biggest struggles that I tried so hard to communicate about was how often I felt that he didn't  believe in me. It was as if he didn't know how to listen to my passions and encourage me to do what makes me happy. Instead, it really felt like he was trying to make our relationship into a business deal. So in the end, he was hoping for dual income, not companionship. My priority, however, was companionship. And I noticed there were some faults that needed fixings.

He and his friend did a particular bruising to me (mentally). They spoke about their jobs and would somehow throw it in my face (and my friend's face) that they work hard and deserve a certain respect. They would laugh at certain lifestyles and remind us how tired they work and how often it is. It was as if their jobs defined them. And I guess it sort of did. It irritated me because I was undermined too often. My photography business that I started at age 16 meant nothing in their eyes, even though I had the ability to make my own money without being employed and I'm not sure they could do that. I had a service to offer and I took care of myself.

The man I was with worried about me. He worried so much that it hurt my feelings because all I could see is his doubt in me. Would I get a job after college? Would I make a lot of money? Would I pay my loans? Half the time, I felt as if none of this was his business because he showed me no promise of a future with me. He showed me no interest or serious commitment for potential marriage. And because that was the case, I didn't think he deserved to know my financial standings. He ignored the part where I said I took care of myself and that I've financially saved myself from my debts for years. All he could think was that no one in my family would help me out instead of thinking about the fact that I was not privileged like he was. He didn't see my potential for more. He only saw me as a risky asset to his "business relationship" we somehow ended up having.

Before I knew it, he was secretly making decisions on his own that I wouldn't be "rolling in the dough" or getting him his ideal life. He made me feel like I was a child and he was an adult. In reality, I knew that he had a low of growing up to do in the relationship area and losing him was probably for the very, very best. Ever since that ended, I was able to focus on what I wanted to do with my life without someone constantly asking about my debt, my plans, or my career choice. And without that doubtful voice on the side, I could find my "spark" much better.

So then I founded my next startup business, which hasn't been launched, but is definitely in the making as I finish up schooling. I have never felt happier with my plans and I've also been able to embrace this sort of faith that doesn't need to know every detail of my future. And I know God works this way because He has always surprised me with the perfect solution to all my problems. I tend to fail at guessing, but I've been so open to whatever it is He plans to do in my life and it's been extremely liberating.

Without him making me feel bad for a life I haven't even lived yet, I'm able to plan a life I don't even fully know about yet. He's not influencing my decisions and I'm seeing how much better it is that way. I will try my best to continuously forgive him (because the LORD knows how long it's already been taking...) I embrace my ability to empathize with people and understand that life is priceless. Money isn't my goal, but rather putting money in a better place to make a better life. I want to change lives no matter how much I make.

I knew his motives behind the breakup and it explained absolutely everything when he said to me, "My biggest fear is that you'll become extremely successful." The only sad thing about that fear is that he didn't already believe I was capable of becoming successful. But the funny part is that I knew I could. He also said that if I were to make a movie, I would make him look horrible in it. But you know what I said in return? "No, I would make a movie about how great you are." And my final words to him that day were that my goal of the relationship was to love him and remind him that he matters in this world.

Never once did I doubt his potential, his future, or worry about his ability to make money or not. I wouldn't care if he got fired and became broke. Love stands by your side no matter what. And that's why I now know that the next guy to be with me will be someone who pursues me, believes in me, and takes the time to know me in every single way possible. He will love me no matter what my income is, no matter my debt, and no matter my success. And because of that love, I will strive for success in every way and I will soar high because God is my strength.

Hello, Freedom. You're here and I'm going to travel the world and change lives.

Hello, Imagination: Being Single at Twenty-Six

Well hello there, Imagination. You're making me realize all over again the inner depths of my heart, my hopes, and my dreams. I've kind of given up for a while. I actually stopped feeling the aches and pains of being unmarried and without kids. In fact, I'm starting to think that the glimpse I got of it in my very first relationship, in a sense, turned me away from it for a bit. Not because I didn't want a relationship anymore, but because I was so hurt by how horribly wrong it went and how disappointed I became after building up 25 years worth of hopes and dreams (or maybe 11). It's not that I wanted that build up, but how could I not have dreamt during the wait?

Rejection was all I really knew. I endured a span of about 9 years feeling rejected by two different guys at two separate times. And then when a guy shows any sort of interest towards me, it's always with someone I cannot see myself in a picture with. And as a photographer, that means something deeper than it sounds. You see, to me, attraction and personality are the two important factors that go into a relationship. A good looking guy with a selfish personality is not going to work out--I would know, as I ended up with that despite our 3 year friendship beforehand. I was unpleasantly surprised that he would become someone so concerned about what he gets out of the relationship and what it looks like for him. I was well aware that the breakup happened because of his fear that I wouldn't look good enough next to him or make enough money.

On the contrary, an unattractive (to me) guy and great personality would have me questioning why I feel that way the whole time. And I'd hate to be with someone who wasn't attracted entirely to me either (again, 'cause let's face it, that's why I was rejected by my ex for three years beforehand when I finally had the courage to ask him why we couldn't be more than friends... Don't know why he dated me later on and dumped me if he knew that all along...).

Anyway. The point I'm trying to make here is my Imagination is back. I imagine what it would feel like to meet someone who truly saw me and someone I saw deeply in return. Something so beautifully mutual that not one of us is giving so much more than the other. I know that I'll know when I find this and a part of me keeps hoping that I don't have to worry or try so hard because he will just pop up out of nowhere and change my life. And that's because I don't want to try and write my story at all. I just want my God-written story because I'm starting to believe that maybe...just maybe I was the one who wrote my attempted last love story... and although I didn't write the ending, it wrote itself out because I needed to know what it felt like to be wrong... It's a hard fate to accept, but it gives me more empathy credit.

And now I'm slowly turning back into that hopeful Stephanie who knows love is special and knows it's worth fighting for no matter what. I'm turning back into the girl who daydreams about it because I'm real, I'm human, and I have feelings. I don't care what other people say anymore. I know my worth is in God and I know God is good and that's all that matters to me. I have so much to look forward to and yet half of it I hope is highly unexpected. That's the point of this blog, right? To truly embrace the unexpected things in life--both good and bad.

Hello, Imagination. I'm glad you're back. :)