Hello, Hometown.

Wow, I can't believe it took me this long to blog about what's been going on. And because the unexpected happen more than once since my last post. I call this Hello, Hometown, because I did not expect to be back. But allow me to lay down the thoughts and emotions going through my head just in case someone, someday, comes across this blog and relates. My hope is to help someone remember they're not alone in struggles.

I had a room lined up with a sweet couple from my church in Southern California. I stopped worrying about finding roommates and money to rent straight after graduation. (Let's face it, if you don't have a wealthy family helping you out, finding a place right away can be a struggle! Unless you have connections to a high paying job.) Anyway, because I had a room lined up, I focused on my senior year with no extra stress. But come March, still assuming I have that room, I find out they let someone else take it and I was out of luck. I freaked out and spent April looking for my plan B. Mind you, I graduated in a month at that point.

I thought I had a family express they'd take me in if I had nowhere else to go. But when I went to them, they too changed their mind. Confused, I tried so hard to trust God. I told some people at my church and they just sympathized (what more can they do, huh?) I feel like God grabbed my world and turned it upside down on purpose. Determined to figure out why, I went along with everything. I had little to no time to figure it out. I decided I would instead live in my car.

Now, you're probably wondering why I didn't result to immediately finding a job to afford living with roommates in LA. But here's why that didn't work: First off, I founded my startup business in August of 2016. I had been pursuing it every free chance I got since I started it. I used my credit card for t-shirts, the website, you name it. I was going ALL in with no regrets (and still no regrets). I had a room lined up during that time and it comforted me. I knew that I could start my business in LA with the help of the couple from my church who supported me. I was going to pursue photography as extra income while I waited for the website to succeed and all was going to be fine.

I did not foresee the change in living situation (or lack of). And before I knew that was happening, guess what else happened in March? I bought a ticket to England for my vacation after graduating, my way of celebrating. I was going to split costs of hotels and things with a friend and we were going to explore together. So when I lost that room, I had nowhere to stay before and after my LAX flight out to Manchester, England. Could I get a job right after? Nope. My England flight was pre-paid for by a client of mine, non-refundable, and basically set in stone for a 3 week trip. And after weeks and weeks of waiting to at least see if my friend was going, she expressed it was bad timing and changed her mind.

So that was it. After graduating I would have no home, no place for my stuff, and one week to fly out alone to England with no extra spending money because I knew I had to use it on an unexpected storage unit for my things, gas to drive home, and figure it out... and then drive back to LA just to get on my flight. I could not have been more surprised by the outcome of life because nothing, absolutely nothing, went to plan.

Now, you're probably wondering what ended up happening because obviously I've stated I'm back at home. But it didn't start off that way. My mom's home didn't have room for me. All rooms were occupied and the house was actually overpacked with family due to my mom taking in another little family. I figured I'd live in my car until I figured out my life...but then an aunt called and long story short... she offered me a room at her place. Not really an idea place to stay, but it was a room and I had to suck it up and accept it, even though I feared feeling like a kid, living under a family member's roof.

And that was exactly what went down. I was there for a week, all was okay. I drove back down to LA, stayed at a friend's, thought I had a ride to the airport, found out I didn't literally 20 minutes before the time I planned to get picked up, had an anxiety attack, wasted $50 resulting to Lyft, got on my flight, and flew to England. My friends there cancelled on half the plans, I was alone 2/3rds of my trip, and eager to come back home. I come back home and find out my old room is going to be available again soon. I express to my aunt I'm moving out, she treats me like garbage, forces me to get out that day, calling me a kid, I somehow get all my things in my uncle's trunk unexpectedly without any boxes to pack, and I'm out the door and on my way to my mom's.

I start advertising my photography business again and no one schedules. I'm digging into savings like there's no tomorrow just to pay my bills on time. I spend countless hours job hunting just to hate every option because nothing in the central valley fits anything I am passionate about or even went to school for. I no longer had the opportunities I did in LA and I had to start right back at square one. And all I could think is, "How on earth did this happen and why?"

Hello, Hometown. You're just the way I left you.

I'm different now, I see that. I'm determined to get my own place and build my website into a community of people who inspire and help each other. I'm determined to use my art for good and build a company off of it. I'm determined to collaborate with likeminded individuals and turn this all around because I believe God allowed all of this to turn around and end up like this to instead show His glory... And I know He's going to do something impossible because I'm broke as a joke, living at home, starting a business because I refuse to give up.

This is my story and I have to choose to move forward. I am beginning to think that God knew I needed something here at my hometown to get me started that I wouldn't get in LA. I believe that God planned this all out just to remind me and show me that it is impossible for me to know the future and plan for it. It was like this great reminder that I shouldn't be so consumed with what's ahead of me and I shouldn't overly plan or obsess with planning like I tend to do. And He wanted to show me the beauty in the unknown instead of the fear.

So here I am. In a place I didn't imagine being but I'm humbled. I am here to understand yet another reason to empathize with others instead of judge. I'm here to inspire others to show them that when you really want something, it is possible no matter what your circumstances are. I'm here to be a living example of doing what the world doesn't believe you could do. One day I'll rise and look back at this time and understand how completely necessary it was that I lost everything in order to gain everything.

The unexpected is a scary, beautiful, and glorious thing when you let God take the lead in your walk of life. If I didn't come home, I wouldn't have been able to see my sister choose to pursue fashion design and join me in the business. I wouldn't have been able to work closely with her to allow the website to flourish even more and even faster. If I didn't come back this way, I would miss out on all these stories that were here all along. The place I grew up at. And how funny it is that the sermon I heard on my last day in SoCal before I moved away was on the idea that God sometimes tells us to go back home in order to find our way.

Sometimes we just need to go back home and start over.

So here I am.

Hello, Entrepreneur.

It is about time I splatter words here again to awfully explain my unexpected life turns. This time I think I found my next calling. It sort of just happened, but I'm extremely glad it did. It's like the pieces were always there, but God found it time to put them together so I can see the whole. Now I can look back at all the years I've been growing as an individual and take note in the fact that I had a calling before I knew it and God is just too good. I'm pretty sure there is way more to come that I don't know about yet, but that's the beauty of life. You just never know.

It's pretty obvious to me now that I was never really one to "go with the flow." In fact, that is so rare with me that when it happens I honestly feel like something is wrong. When I'm going with the "flow" of anything at all, it is basically me "giving up" on something. It's not really a good thing. I was more of the type who figured out my own solutions to each problem that headed my way. I actually can see this strategic mindset playing a huge role in my past relationship. I think that's why I found ways to make every issue we had work. Unfortunately, he still walked away without caring how I felt about it all, so that problem was impossible to fix with him gone all of a sudden.

Something I will forever hold onto though that he told me a long while back as friends was that I tend to see the bigger picture. And that simple sentence has sat with me all this time. It is true. I have a tendency to step back in every situation or story to view it as a whole. He learned this about me because of my willingness to listen to his life story and view his life as the bigger picture of it all. This helps me encourage people, and the more I recognize I do it, the better it is for me to use when listening to someone.

So let's tie this all into my entrepreneurship I've got going on. I learned something very, very beautiful thanks to the two men I've ever fallen in love with over a span of 8 years. But it was this last one that truly got me to see my heart. I remember the night I told him, "You are my favorite person." And his response: "No one has ever said that to me before." I proceeded to remind him every so often how utterly important he was to me and that he matters in this world. In fact, when he had his break-up speech, my first response was a reminder of that. I will never forget the image I saw when I looked over to see him in the shadows with tears falling down.

That sparked something in me before I knew it. When I hugged him goodbye, I teared up and looked at the sky, and the tree branches before me still show so clearly in my memory. I prayed in that moment that God would give me the strength to handle that heartbreak. And of course, I made it through. I fought hard each day to find my strength again. I saw him about a week later when he was distraught because he was almost fired. And I gave him a gift and yet again reminded him of his worth. When he walked away again, I could not understand at all why this disruption in my life occurred so suddenly. How could I easily lose a best friend? How come my words didn't change his mind? How come I couldn't find a solution to our sudden problem? For the first time, I had no idea what to do and decided to accept what was happening as if it was God's will (as much as I could not understand why.)

To this day, I still believe God had made that beautiful interruption to change the hearts of two beautifully broken people and He proved to me that He is the ultimate Creator of seeing the grand picture. His view was far beyond any bigger picture I could ever imagine and I had to accept that. But it lead me to where I now stand today.

I am meant to change lives.

My calling came in such a dramatic and heart-wrenching time. It came when I lost my best friend and all I could think about is how much it meant to me that I came into his life and showed him how much God loves him. Because even if they walk away, it's still worth it to be that message to them. It's still worth it to plant that seed. I hope and pray now that the seed grows so big that it hurts his heart and bursts into tears of pedals from a beautiful flower growing within. And I pray that he remembers me in that light, despite my human failures of anger when I was hurt. I hope he remembers the good and misses me for that because then I know I did my job. Then I know I fulfilled my purpose in his life.

Hello, Entrepreneur. There are loads of people out there with doubts and failures just like him. There are people who forget their value. There are people who have never been someone's favorite. In fact, I often feel like one of them many, many times. Because he walked away from me, it has placed this dent in my heart that reminds me there are other people who feel pain and heartache. Who will listen? Who will show them love? Who will go out of their way and tell them that they matter?

I decided to put my talents together and oversee a company that stands by that message. That our purpose for serving and selling is to make money to give back to a world that is lost, forgotten, and valuable. I decided to take my ability to see the bigger picture and dream big enough to make something happen. I'm not going to back down. I'm going to use my motivation and my heartache to reach out to this lost and lonely world. I'm going to be that light in the dark places. I'm going to be the one that reminds people of their importance.

Because even though the person I truly loved broke everything we had, I got to learn that what meant the most to me was simply making him feel like he still mattered in the world.

He still matters to me and I'm doing this because he taught me that without even knowing it.

Hello, Unexpected Heartache.

This morning I woke up and remembered my dreams. They both contained the person I had to let go of. But he came back. I was so excited to get his call in this dream that I searched everywhere for silence to hear his voice because I was surrounded with family members at a big house. I couldn't find anywhere private so that I could talk to him. Finally I did. He was calling because he was going to leave me an encouraging message and didn't know I'd be awake.

I woke up to reality that he is not back in my life. This is one of many dreams I've had of him. The past two months I have accumulated anger inside of me for him. Because anger is so much easier than sadness. Being angry at him and searching all his flaws, I found, was a lot easier on my heart. I didn't even realize how much I stopped praying for him or me. I just focused on my life, my goals, my plans, and my own needs because that's what was getting me through. But, somehow, I feel as though God was calling me out of rest because I got comfortable.

In this new comfort zone, I zoned out into the future of a life where I could just forget about the heartache. But somehow, at night time, it started coming back to me when I realized... my heart is not over its brokenness and I'm not ultimately angry. In fact, I am just broken. I am in need of lamenting; I am in need of prayer; I am in need of more healing. This sudden realization that I am still in desperate need of God's love and grace is putting me in so many tears.

I am so afraid of people who will want to tell me how to feel, that I acted like I didn't miss him anymore. But the truth is, I do miss him. I miss him because he was my best friend. I miss him because I took so much time just to know him, and to understand his flaws and to love him that way. I put my heart on the line just to be with him, even though I knew he wasn't certain about me. And so the anger kept me away from crying these past two months. I held off. I enjoyed my days as myself. I tried to distract myself constantly. I focused on giving friends time. I even put all my worries aside and kept dreaming big like nothing ever happened.

But like a rock slide on my path, my heart was disrupted as if God were telling me, "Stop denying your feelings. Come to Me. Let it out." And here I am. After enough dreams, after enough memories flooded back... Here I am. The unexpected at its best. I am surprised by this sudden overwhelming feeling of love, grief, and forgiveness. For many weeks, I could not get myself to get rid of the anger and to forgive him. But yet here I am remembering all the reasons why I chose him in the first place.

It is taking everything in me not to run to him and to run to God instead. I want to express how much I miss him but I know my fear tells me he doesn't want to hear that. And therefore I feel that going to God will be the safest bet during this unexpected flood of emotions. As much as I want to be angry so that I don't feel anything, I would only be lying to myself.

This is how I feel right now. This is all I know right now. And I'm starting to wonder if this is God's way of showing me that He grieves with us. That we crave someone to just sit with us and let us feel what we feel. To not correct us, to not fix us, but to sit with us. God asked me to rest and for two months I managed to move forward and get things going with myself. But now, as I find myself weak again, I feel as though God is saying... "Get ready for battle. I've got your back." If I am hurting, surely He is hurting with me because my heart wants to love. It doesn't want to feel anger anymore.

Hello, unexpected heartache. I see you now.

Hello, Unexpected.

This is the part where I explain I'm entering a new season in life. You know, where your whole world shifts a bit and you realize that everything you previously imagined has completely changed. This usually means you have to start planning differently or setting new goals because the pathway was disrupted and the road is invisible. This sort of world-shift happened when I lost my dad almost 3 years ago. It happened when I experienced rejection and anxiety so bad I skipped 3 weeks of class. It happened when I put all my effort into a relationship with someone I deeply cared about only to be pushed away unexpectedly.

There is the shift again. There is the climax and the ending soon after. And what do you do when life throws rocks at you? What do you do when your world is turned upside down? What do you do when nothing seems to go the way you once thought? This is a blog I'd like to start as my new journey starts to say...hello, Unexpected. Here you are again.

If you found this blog by any sort of happenstance or from my sharing, please feel free to join along as I embark on another adventure in life. I will write about the unexpected and how I get through it while simultaneously sharing how the Author of my life intertwines His love into my broken pathways. The past couple months or so my pastor had been teaching on the idea of what to do with a God who goes off script. Conveniently at this time, my whole life took a turn, practically forcing me to apply the knowledge immediately and directly.

I know firsthand what it feels like to have everything around you change dramatically and unexpectedly. If anyone knows me, they know I love planning and I tend to plan pretty far ahead as best as I can. I get sucked into the perfect strategic plan at times and not much can hinder me from playing out my plan. I am stubborn when I am committed and I don't like downgrading an idea if I don't have to. But besides those traits, whether they be useful or dangerous at times, I understand quite deeply how you cannot plan the unexpected. I have gathered faith throughout the years and practiced perseverance throughout all my trials.

I am ready for the unexpected and I still attempt to master the concept of planning ahead while also being open to the unexpected to hit at any moment. I believe that God's way is a way we cannot imagine. And if that is so, then He has the ability to disrupt our plans when we seek Him for something better. If I ask God to send me great things and that His will be done, how can I expect to still go ahead with my plans?

Meanwhile on this new journey through the unexpected, I will refuse to allow myself to become selfish. I truly believe that if it's God's will, it includes other people. It will include loving others, it will include sacrifice, it will include endurance, and it will include a lot of faith. I suspect great things are coming and that I cannot guess them at all. It doesn't matter what I personally plan for my life, each new step I take will be gently guided by my Heavenly father. And if you need that hope, that little glimpse of life in a dark world, join me along on this journey and expect the unexpected.

Your life shouldn't be about the amount of money you make, the title you have at your job, the car you drive, nor should it be about the title of the people you know. Good things might come to those who can handle it (or to those who selfishly seek it and end up miserable and alone). The enemy in our lives makes the bad look desirable and we must remember that. Don't give in to the lie. Choose to lose the pride that may tug at you (don't be afraid of the words "I love you"). Okay, those are lyrics, but I agree completely.

Hello, Unexpected. Let's see what you have next.