Hello, Unexpected Weight.

Well, it's about time I write in my blog, but more importantly it's about time I write about what's been literally and figuratively weighing me down. I haven't yet found that proper boost to get myself out of this rut and darkness I've put myself in. I think I'm possibly in denial, or something of the sort. I look at old photos on the norm lately, thinking to myself, "If I was this way once, I can be this way again." Sadly, not much has changed about my diet. Just the way my body handles it. Also, I was less active for quite a while, especially in college. I did a lot of walking, but many days I just sat around or took naps.


So let's get real and get detailed. I'm about 5 feet 5 inches tall, which means average weight is from 114lbs to 144lbs (roughly). Throughout high school I was about 105lbs and then as I entered early adulthood, I started hitting 110-115lbs. Today, I average about 141lbs, sometimes lower, sometimes higher depending on the time of day and amount of food I ate or work I did. This means that I am quite close to what is considered overweight, and that is what concerns me. I know for a fact my weight has nothing to do with building muscle because I've not even tried to build muscle. But I do know I've let myself eat poorly and not work it off, therefore causing these fats I've consumed to make a home in my body.

And I am depressed at the thought.

How could someone like me who thought it'd never happen to me end up looking like someone else in the mirror? I get it now. I am humbled now. I never understood weight issues. I used to eat whatever I wanted and endured many years of being told, "You're so skinny. You need to eat more. You don't understand how it feels to have to try on every single pair of jeans at the store." I've heard it all. And it's true. I didn't understand what it was like to have to always pull your pants up throughout the day because your thighs and bum made the jeans slowly slide down with movement. I didn't understand what it was like to not know your size and have to try on everything because guessing if it'll fit or not didn't work out. I didn't know what it was like to sit down and feel rolls of fat touching each other, or posing with your hand on your waist and feeling back fat twist and roll over.

It sounds horrid the way I put it, but it is completely true to my body today and it does not make me feel better at all. I should have taken care of myself long ago, but instead I heard people say, "Eat more. You're too skinny. You don't need to work out." It's like when people go to the hospital when they're dying instead of going for check-ups when they're healthy. We have this poor mentality that if you're not sick, you shouldn't worry. But that is so wrong and I even know that was wrong when I was thinner. I knew that I should have worked out and made healthy decisions, but everyone around me seemed to dismiss that and say I didn't have to worry about it. But I should have cared and they should have encouraged me to be healthy and do well.

I look at pictures 2-3 years ago and notice this significant change in not only my body, but my face too. I look back 6 years ago and feel like that body is long gone. I know she's not gone, I know she's just hiding under all my bad decisions, but she feels so completely far away...

Hello, unexpected weight. I'm not happy you're here, but I know you can serve as a lesson and soon enough...an inspiration to those who might suffer the same. I understand now. I understand the struggle and I'm so very sorry for never understanding beforehand. People talk the talk when they think they know the answers, but you don't truly know someone's struggle until you face it yourself. People with straight teeth, thin or active bodies, clear skin, and lots of confidence try to encourage others to have it, but they will never truly understand what it's like to strive for that when you have crooked teeth, weight issues, acne, or even social anxiety (or all, which is where I'm at today!) Those aren't the people I want to hear from. Those aren't the people I'll listen to.

We are all looking for people that we feel truly understand. And I know there's a girl who was once a size small out there struggling to squeeze into mediums or even larges now. I know there's a girl who hates her smile and could never afford to fix it. I know there's a girl out there who has never had smooth skin once acne ruined it in her teens. I know there's a girl out there who has no idea what step to take to fix any of it, especially her weight. I know I'm not the only one and I know I can help someone if I figure out how to help myself.

This is not who I am. This is not who I was or who I should be. This is the girl that stopped paying attention and let it all go. This is the girl who went through rejection, hurt, pain, and grief. This is the girl that stopped liking herself, stopped photographing herself, and stopped smiling back. This is the girl that doesn't deserve to be in my future.

I need a brand new start and I've yet to figure out how. But I'm confessing that I've lost myself. I'm confessing that I'm unhappy with who I see in the mirror. I'm confessing that I feel less than I should. I'm confessing I do not feel beautiful and I'm ready to find myself to feeling like true beauty again.

I must find her.