Hello, Freedom.

Here's a little somethin' on my mind that I never necessarily opened up about. At least, not in a blog. And I think it's something very important to recognize. There are going to be people in your life who come and unknowingly cause you to doubt yourself. They question your success and pass worry over to you. It happened to me in a very sad way. It happened from a person that it shouldn't have. But today I can see myself in a much better light and I've been able to also take note in how much more freedom I've found without them.

Let's give a little background. I'm fully aware that my past relationship was discontinued due to his lack of faith in me (and love, I'm sure). And one of my biggest struggles that I tried so hard to communicate about was how often I felt that he didn't  believe in me. It was as if he didn't know how to listen to my passions and encourage me to do what makes me happy. Instead, it really felt like he was trying to make our relationship into a business deal. So in the end, he was hoping for dual income, not companionship. My priority, however, was companionship. And I noticed there were some faults that needed fixings.

He and his friend did a particular bruising to me (mentally). They spoke about their jobs and would somehow throw it in my face (and my friend's face) that they work hard and deserve a certain respect. They would laugh at certain lifestyles and remind us how tired they work and how often it is. It was as if their jobs defined them. And I guess it sort of did. It irritated me because I was undermined too often. My photography business that I started at age 16 meant nothing in their eyes, even though I had the ability to make my own money without being employed and I'm not sure they could do that. I had a service to offer and I took care of myself.

The man I was with worried about me. He worried so much that it hurt my feelings because all I could see is his doubt in me. Would I get a job after college? Would I make a lot of money? Would I pay my loans? Half the time, I felt as if none of this was his business because he showed me no promise of a future with me. He showed me no interest or serious commitment for potential marriage. And because that was the case, I didn't think he deserved to know my financial standings. He ignored the part where I said I took care of myself and that I've financially saved myself from my debts for years. All he could think was that no one in my family would help me out instead of thinking about the fact that I was not privileged like he was. He didn't see my potential for more. He only saw me as a risky asset to his "business relationship" we somehow ended up having.

Before I knew it, he was secretly making decisions on his own that I wouldn't be "rolling in the dough" or getting him his ideal life. He made me feel like I was a child and he was an adult. In reality, I knew that he had a low of growing up to do in the relationship area and losing him was probably for the very, very best. Ever since that ended, I was able to focus on what I wanted to do with my life without someone constantly asking about my debt, my plans, or my career choice. And without that doubtful voice on the side, I could find my "spark" much better.

So then I founded my next startup business, which hasn't been launched, but is definitely in the making as I finish up schooling. I have never felt happier with my plans and I've also been able to embrace this sort of faith that doesn't need to know every detail of my future. And I know God works this way because He has always surprised me with the perfect solution to all my problems. I tend to fail at guessing, but I've been so open to whatever it is He plans to do in my life and it's been extremely liberating.

Without him making me feel bad for a life I haven't even lived yet, I'm able to plan a life I don't even fully know about yet. He's not influencing my decisions and I'm seeing how much better it is that way. I will try my best to continuously forgive him (because the LORD knows how long it's already been taking...) I embrace my ability to empathize with people and understand that life is priceless. Money isn't my goal, but rather putting money in a better place to make a better life. I want to change lives no matter how much I make.

I knew his motives behind the breakup and it explained absolutely everything when he said to me, "My biggest fear is that you'll become extremely successful." The only sad thing about that fear is that he didn't already believe I was capable of becoming successful. But the funny part is that I knew I could. He also said that if I were to make a movie, I would make him look horrible in it. But you know what I said in return? "No, I would make a movie about how great you are." And my final words to him that day were that my goal of the relationship was to love him and remind him that he matters in this world.

Never once did I doubt his potential, his future, or worry about his ability to make money or not. I wouldn't care if he got fired and became broke. Love stands by your side no matter what. And that's why I now know that the next guy to be with me will be someone who pursues me, believes in me, and takes the time to know me in every single way possible. He will love me no matter what my income is, no matter my debt, and no matter my success. And because of that love, I will strive for success in every way and I will soar high because God is my strength.

Hello, Freedom. You're here and I'm going to travel the world and change lives.

Hello, Daydreaming.

I should probably say hello again, but there was a significant pause in these particular daydreams. I know when certain types of daydreams begin again, it means my heart is either shifting to new hopes, or having withdrawals. Let's just face it, I can't help but lay down at night and look forward to the made up scenarios I put in my head. Sometimes I think about why it's happening a lot more now, but I've really always been this way. I'm a dreamer and a hoper. It's hard not to wish for more to come.

I'm starting to become convinced that my heart is actually moving forward a significant amount. I have learned that I missed out on a lot while I endured the months of loving someone more than he loved me. Without him here, the sadness finally subsided and turned into hope for someone new. It's been off and on that way, but this time it came with beautiful daydreams.

Before anyone thinks it as unhealthy, I've somehow mastered the idea of daydreaming being simple entertainment as opposed to false expectations. This occurred when I taught myself that God can bring you something far better than your dreams and that it's impossible to imagine your actual future. With that in mind, I make up great scenarios of my future while simultaneously assuming it will never happen that way. Sometimes I even avoid wishful situations because I don't want to ruin the chance of them happening in real life. Silly, but hey. I'm a creator, storyteller, and adventurer. I'm not going to sit back and not think.

I have been able to truly decipher the difference between being loved and being used. It occurred to me that I can now recognize my worth far more than possible just over a year ago.  I got to see myself love someone who didn't quite deserve it at all and realize the strength it required. Today was one of the first moments since then that I walked down an old pathway where I used to bump into him at in the past and I had a smile on my face because I could see how much I've grown since the girl who walked that path with anxiety and fear. I remember the many tears I cried in the years of being rejected.

His ultimate rejection and walking away has led me to finding the cure to my fragile heart. I now feel as though I've lost the desire for someone like that because they won't end up better. They'll end up gone. My heart has finally wondered and wandered to the idea of being drawn to someone who actually does love me instead of stuck on someone who doesn't. This idea that love is beautiful and attractive seems like it'd be obvious, but it was (and still is) fairly foreign.

But I can see the beauty of it because it's not worth it just to be in a relationship. It's only worth it when both partners are working toward a future (not just one). I probably assumed this in my head when we started a relationship, but I quickly did learn that some guys want the full benefits without paying full price. This happens to me with my photography business all the time. To see it in relationships is sickening. I'm changing that. I'm changing me.

My daydreams are of a guy who pays attention to me, remembers me, and values me. Someone who genuinely wants to know who I am, what I like, and doesn't pick on me for my weaknesses. Someone who doesn't need to be reminded constantly of what I say, like, do, hope for, etc. I already was with someone who couldn't even let me choose what we'd do because he'd change his mind. That was detrimental to me and I now know not to let someone get away with that. He accused me for not choosing what we do for fun, or not making decisions but he blindly missed the sad fact that he didn't hear me nor care to hear me. He forgot my suggestions. He didn't make time for them. He canceled on me. Or he changed plans easily. The only reason we did what he wanted to do all the time was because between he and I, I was the only one who was considerate toward the other. I LET him choose and I took INTEREST in his interests... He totally failed to do so and I wish someone could shout that out into his ear because I already lost connection with him the day he tore us apart.

He lost me and he deserved it. He tried turning it around as if we are different, but he failed to recognized that he was not built for a committed, loyal relationship. He was too selfish and prideful to notice.

Hello, Daydreaming. Thanks for showing me that I am capable of being with a loving guy because my heart deserves to be loved back. I have hopes that he'll come on perfect timing and it's finally starting to feel like it will near. I want a adventure buddy, artistic photo buddy, and someone who is capable of listening to me in return. I'm running a new business that it split into two separate departments that will soon enough intertwine, and I'm putting it all together. I'm leading the way to show the world that I care and I'm listening.

Don't come back to me hoping to take more from me, past. I've already moved on to greener pastures.