Hello, New Life.

It has taken me a bit of time to gather my feelings and emotions to explain the vast difference in my life in just this past month. I went from one extreme to the next, and it's quite phenomenal what the brain and heart can do. Old emotions have been stirred up, realizations have hit, and I recognized things from my past I had no idea were so bad. But then something changes. Someone comes along and starts treating me like I'm great and I wonder why I didn't get this treatment beforehand. But I am thankful.

In my case, I got quite a few new people in my life who changed my world somehow. I've been swallowed in social anxiety one too many times in my past and I've been at the lowest of lows, enduring heartbreak and physical anxiety. But somehow it all changed for me this year and I'm still in awe. It's not that all problems have ceased, that's impossible in a fallen world. But many anxieties have dissipated as I changed my way of thinking and way of life.

I could write a book of scenarios that hurt me, but now I just look back at those moments and allow them to help me appreciate the difference in my life today. I tell myself to keep my confidence and proceed to find more. I talk myself into feeling okay when a social situation makes me uncomfortable--and for the most part, it really does work wonders.

I moved from Southern California, back to my hometown, and then up to Oregon within a matter of months. My emotions were all over the place and I sought out some form of freedom. Being home was difficult because I was on a different wavelength than my family and it was so hard to feel happiness. I felt like I needed to fit into their world a certain way and I just couldn't. I needed out. And then I sat in a car full of my things and drove 8 hours north to find myself surrounded by beautiful mountains and the most colorful autumn leaves I've ever seen. And I haven't looked back.

To top things off, I found myself in a relationship with the sweetest and most caring guy I've ever met. And I wasn't even trying to date at all. I've gone through so many emotions just by meeting him and couldn't figure out what was going on. I started thinking back on my past relationship in a new light, realizing he treated me horribly compared to the man I know now. And that was a harsh realization because I felt wronged even a year and a half later. I've lacked this peace, wondering why the guy in my past never apologized for how he ended things. But then I realized that he probably had no idea how badly he treated me and might never know unless I confessed and sought out an apology.

I struggle to accept that any guy would view me as "the best thing that ever happened" to them, but I somehow found one that looks at me with eyes that say it all. And it was so hard for me to accept that at first. I've found myself having anxieties and the urge to push him away, thinking I got caught up in the moment of someone liking me and didn't think things through. But he is there with me as I push through it and allow him the time to truly know me while I get to truly know him.

Although it's a harsh reality to realize that I almost settled for someone far less than him, I am thankful that God had my back and took me out of a relationship that would never make me happy enough. I now look at the man who calls me beautiful everyday and think to myself, "Is this who God wanted?" Because this is the love that I only dreamed of once upon a time ago and now it's sitting right in front of me. How could anyone think I look beautiful on days I feel disgusting? If that man exists, why on earth would I ever run away!?

There is so much to learn as I go along, but my life in Oregon has proven to be the best decision I could have made post-graduation. I love the people I meet and the scenery out here. I love the cooler weather, even if it's freezing at night. I may not know what's coming next, but I do know that I have hope that I will continue to live my life out here well and that all my concerns will become sorted. I have people supporting me and helping me out and I couldn't be more thankful.

Hello, New Life. I'm so glad you're here.

Hello, Where Are You?

Okay, future husband.

I'm convinced you're hiding away in this life you're building for yourself and the moment I step into your path I'm going to probably disrupt a few things. I feel like I'm seeking this instant connection because it just seems like that's the type of person I am and that that's what I need. But then again, who am I to say how we meet? It's frustrating. I've moved to Southern California, found a guy who surprised me a lot and walked away in the end, then moved back home, and then moved the opposite direction and found myself at the bottom of Oregon. And I love it being surrounded by mountains. But you're killin' me, man.

I tried a new church and the whole time I'm thinking, "Is he somewhere roaming this room?" I walk into stores, "Is he here?" I browse online thinking, "Is he searchable if I knew his name?" And it's pathetic, I know. It's crazy, because I'm sitting here thinking, "What is wrong with me? Why can't I just forget about it and wait?" But I did forget for a while and then after months and months of enjoying my singleness and being preoccupied, I realize that my hand is cold and that I still want someone to hold and hug and talk about everything under the sun together. It's frustrating, okay?

I don't want to wonder about you. I don't want to sit here and die inside because you're not here. It seems rather unfair that I would have gone through the years that I have with the pain that I endured for me to just be some 27 year old still wondering when on earth I'll find someone I like again and that it work out great in the end. I try hard to push aside these thoughts time and time again because quite frankly I've got way too much going on to sit and ponder.

But there you are, in the back of my mind nonetheless. And here I am, still convinced you're going to pop out of nowhere during a moment I'm not looking for you. I'll probably laugh later on when I realize how perfectly you came into my life and how awkward we were at first. I look forward to that day, I really do. I look forward to us reminiscing on our first date. However long it takes, I look forward to it.

Well, I hope you find me when I'm pursuing my dreams whole-heartedly and I hope you can sing. I'll try not to be too picky, but singing is one of my favorite languages... It would just be so nice to find someone who can speak it like that with me...

Until then,
Your Future Wife

Hello, Misfit.

Hello, Misfit.

I always knew I grew up differently and felt things deeper than the average person I met. But I'd have to say I'm a little surprised by this one today. I'm a little surprised because I knew that when I came to school to move out and pursue a passion (in reality, I really just wanted to change my life around), I did not expect my feelings to change and shift as much as they did, drifting from what once felt like a fun dream to a dreadful thought. I would have never guessed I'd come to this point, but because it's here, I guess there's no other way but to accept it and move on.

Let's start from the beginning. I enter school and finally get assigned my first video project. I think to myself, "Piece of cake." (And it was). We then move on to what we call here "335" because that's our lazy way of naming the class instead of the title, "TV Cinema Production II." Although most students complain about the complexity of the class and the amount of stress, I find it to become my favorite one. Yes, there was stress, but not in the way that I expected, nor in the way that other complaints I heard were about. And that was the beginning to discovering the reason of my misfit-ness (for the lack of a real term). I'll get more to why later.

Next class I attend for production is our advanced cinema course, in which I finally discovered before it started that I wasn't a part of any of the cliques and I completely missed out. So I get placed on the team that had less people and quickly learn who is in the class. Although I wasn't happy with my leftover position, it wasn't really anyone's fault, not even mine, honestly. It was just reality, and I wouldn't be able to see why yet at that point. I grew to love the people, and I tried my best to love being on set. But I still dreaded the weekends because I was unhappy with what I was doing.

Next, and officially last, I began the senior production course. That's where I'm at today. And that's what is leading me to write this blog and realize this epiphany. Set life doesn't make me happy in general. Because if it did, the people I worked with wouldn't matter. But it does. And I find myself on a really different wavelength than everyone. In fact, I don't even have the energy anymore to stand up for myself when I feel mistreated. And I definitely have been feeling that way. I do it for the sake of my grade, and I'm the editor, so it's nice to increase my editing skills through this. But I'm not happy at all.

I don't know what it is, the vibe or the reality, but it's helping me really see why I even came to APU in the first place. And my reason for coming is playing out clear as day. I came because I wanted to change my life and tell stories. And the only class I got to tell a story that meant something to me was 335. The dreaded production class that made me stand out differently because in that class, I got to do most of it by myself. I got to have independent and control over something that meant a lot to me and if no one helped me, it didn't stop me. And that's the thing, I'm no longer telling a meaningful story working with others because I'm not even working with people that personally know me or like me. In fact, I don't even know if half the group cares to like me. I still do my very best to be respectful and do the best that I can, even when I feel disrespected or put down on a low level.

In reality though, I am dreaming of telling stories that change lives again. That's what I wanted to do and that's sadly what I didn't get to discover as much here at a Christian University. And I was that one student who stood up for Christian films because I knew those people who created them were probably a little like me. When you love Someone so much (God, that is) and you want to tell stories with Him in it no matter what. Even if it's implied instead of explicit. But the most meaningful story I've been a part of was last semester, in which I am thankful for because it gave me hope that deep storytellers still exist and they still treat people right.

The hardest part about this all is the part where I try to open up and explain and I feel unheard or misunderstood. I want people to know that even if I quit school earlier and followed my truest passion, I would have been successful because I've always believed in myself and made dreams into reality as best as I could. I teach myself whatever I want to know and I do whatever I need to get done in order to do it. Some dreams are harder than others (like fashion photography), but I still pursue something similar (like creative photography). I guess I just really want my feelings to be accepted right where they are. No one freaking out at the idea of me dropping school (even though I'm not because I still need time before graduation to figure out things, and also because I'm so close to finishing the semester and I happen to be someone who struggles quitting in the middle of something). But still. I want people to see that if you need school, good, go for it. If you don't, good, do your thing.

We are capable of learning through people no matter what! Whether we read books, learn from experience, peers, or online tutorials--we are capable to do it in any way. Often times, the most successful person was someone who dropped out--and we know that story is very, very true. And you know why? Because passion goes so deep that it will do whatever it takes to make dreams a reality. And those people are out there proving that. And we look down on drop-outs like a degree determines worth and it doesn't.

I'm the misfit in this major because I feel hindered from pursuing and reaching my goals because I happen to not be the type of person that can handle someone else determining my learning path. I learn what I need, I experience what I want, and I succeed at my own rate--and that is OKAY. And it'll always be okay. Because I never want someone who couldn't go to school feel like they aren't capable of being successful. My dear, YES YOU ARE. It's crazy how fast you'll learn something when you're heart is motivated. People love seeing passion--we just forget about it when it gets lost in expensive text books for general education classes that push the young individuals away from focusing on their strengths.

Dream. Collaborate. Travel. Explore. Live. Be the misfit in this world and don't let anyone stop you.

I'm so eager to have time to tell my stories, be creative, and make dreams reality. I'm so eager to travel the world and listen to people from all over. I'm so eager be my own person who stopped following the norms.

Hello, Goodbye.

Well, I think it's about time to make something a little more official. And what's more official than actually publicly writing it out in a blog and removing every thought I had about it from my mind to this entry? It's interesting to say hello to the unexpected. But I never really thought about the idea of saying hello to a goodbye. An official goodbye. One that I assumed I made, but maybe I didn't. One that I thought for a while was temporary. One that I thought I'd change my mind on. But it's more real than ever as time passes that saying goodbye could be the best step I take in order to officially move on. So here goes.

Hello, Goodbye. It's about time I utter you and let it sink in. I let a large portion of my heart accommodate a man who wasn't quite ready to own that place. And I also let that man talk me into breaking my own promises. He'd blame me, but that's because he never really did listen to me. If he listened, he would of understand why I was so hesitant in the beginning. He would have understood why I broke off our friendship as many times as I did. He also would have understood that when I was giving up on him, I was trying to walk away to move forward. And if he understood that and respected my feelings, he would have let me go knowing he couldn't afford my worth.

But somehow, he talked me into believing he wanted to give us a try and the honest truth is that I never believed him. But I chose to give him a chance nonetheless. I chose that because I knew he was hard to love and I knew I was the only one willing to do so in his life at that moment. We both humanly entered into that with two separate reasons. Maybe I was a "test run" to him, but I treated him as the "real deal."

I rejected many things in the beginning. I even hesitated a million times on the idea of a first kiss. I kept my face away in fear that I would be wasting my first on someone who didn't actually want me. I guess I saw him slowly attaching himself to me and I guess that eased the mood a bit. And eventually he got more out of me than he paid for, metaphorically speaking. On all the things I explained and said no about, he didn't understand it. In fact, he'd get upset with me for not being willing to do certain things, as if I was the problem. But he didn't listen.

He didn't listen at all.

I was hesitant and afraid because he never could ease my fear. I didn't feel loved by him and he would be irritated when I explained I couldn't see his commitment. Looking back, I was dead on when I believed he wasn't committed. Because if he was, he would have lasted a lot longer than 7 small months. At 25.5 years of life, 7 months was only less than 0.02% of my life. I sensed it coming so many times and chose to believe I could be wrong. That he could stay.

It has been almost an equal amount of time parted from him now, at nearly 7 months more passed by since the initial goodbye. And he never came back. Not to apologize, not to talk it out, nothing. He disappeared like I meant absolutely nothing. It was as if he invested nothing into me and had nothing to lose when he left. And I had to accept that someone such as him did that to me. He invited me into his life, he opened up, he took things from me, special moments, special words, and allowed me to get to know his family. And then he stripped it all away and vanished just like that.

It took a while, but the goodbye finally sits here with me. I disconnected from him completely because it has been enough time to truly understand I am meant to mean more to someone else. And that someone else will come along as my "Hello, Unexpected Stranger" and that blog will be written out. And I hope and pray that the man from my past will not come back and confuse me again. Because it's true, I feared him for so long, I couldn't get rid of him in my heart or my mind. I was tired and yet I couldn't escape him. But I'm ready for that escape. That final and silent goodbye.

I'm ready to be the me without him pulling me down.

Hello, Goodbye. You will vanish with him and I will stand tall. He has no control over me now and I'm certain of it. I will beg for confidence that will keep me strong if his path ever accidentally crosses mine again. He will no longer be able to know or play with my feelings. He couldn't love and I loved too much. I'm ready for a new Hello.

Goodbye, old friend.

Hello, Entrepreneur.

It is about time I splatter words here again to awfully explain my unexpected life turns. This time I think I found my next calling. It sort of just happened, but I'm extremely glad it did. It's like the pieces were always there, but God found it time to put them together so I can see the whole. Now I can look back at all the years I've been growing as an individual and take note in the fact that I had a calling before I knew it and God is just too good. I'm pretty sure there is way more to come that I don't know about yet, but that's the beauty of life. You just never know.

It's pretty obvious to me now that I was never really one to "go with the flow." In fact, that is so rare with me that when it happens I honestly feel like something is wrong. When I'm going with the "flow" of anything at all, it is basically me "giving up" on something. It's not really a good thing. I was more of the type who figured out my own solutions to each problem that headed my way. I actually can see this strategic mindset playing a huge role in my past relationship. I think that's why I found ways to make every issue we had work. Unfortunately, he still walked away without caring how I felt about it all, so that problem was impossible to fix with him gone all of a sudden.

Something I will forever hold onto though that he told me a long while back as friends was that I tend to see the bigger picture. And that simple sentence has sat with me all this time. It is true. I have a tendency to step back in every situation or story to view it as a whole. He learned this about me because of my willingness to listen to his life story and view his life as the bigger picture of it all. This helps me encourage people, and the more I recognize I do it, the better it is for me to use when listening to someone.

So let's tie this all into my entrepreneurship I've got going on. I learned something very, very beautiful thanks to the two men I've ever fallen in love with over a span of 8 years. But it was this last one that truly got me to see my heart. I remember the night I told him, "You are my favorite person." And his response: "No one has ever said that to me before." I proceeded to remind him every so often how utterly important he was to me and that he matters in this world. In fact, when he had his break-up speech, my first response was a reminder of that. I will never forget the image I saw when I looked over to see him in the shadows with tears falling down.

That sparked something in me before I knew it. When I hugged him goodbye, I teared up and looked at the sky, and the tree branches before me still show so clearly in my memory. I prayed in that moment that God would give me the strength to handle that heartbreak. And of course, I made it through. I fought hard each day to find my strength again. I saw him about a week later when he was distraught because he was almost fired. And I gave him a gift and yet again reminded him of his worth. When he walked away again, I could not understand at all why this disruption in my life occurred so suddenly. How could I easily lose a best friend? How come my words didn't change his mind? How come I couldn't find a solution to our sudden problem? For the first time, I had no idea what to do and decided to accept what was happening as if it was God's will (as much as I could not understand why.)

To this day, I still believe God had made that beautiful interruption to change the hearts of two beautifully broken people and He proved to me that He is the ultimate Creator of seeing the grand picture. His view was far beyond any bigger picture I could ever imagine and I had to accept that. But it lead me to where I now stand today.

I am meant to change lives.

My calling came in such a dramatic and heart-wrenching time. It came when I lost my best friend and all I could think about is how much it meant to me that I came into his life and showed him how much God loves him. Because even if they walk away, it's still worth it to be that message to them. It's still worth it to plant that seed. I hope and pray now that the seed grows so big that it hurts his heart and bursts into tears of pedals from a beautiful flower growing within. And I pray that he remembers me in that light, despite my human failures of anger when I was hurt. I hope he remembers the good and misses me for that because then I know I did my job. Then I know I fulfilled my purpose in his life.

Hello, Entrepreneur. There are loads of people out there with doubts and failures just like him. There are people who forget their value. There are people who have never been someone's favorite. In fact, I often feel like one of them many, many times. Because he walked away from me, it has placed this dent in my heart that reminds me there are other people who feel pain and heartache. Who will listen? Who will show them love? Who will go out of their way and tell them that they matter?

I decided to put my talents together and oversee a company that stands by that message. That our purpose for serving and selling is to make money to give back to a world that is lost, forgotten, and valuable. I decided to take my ability to see the bigger picture and dream big enough to make something happen. I'm not going to back down. I'm going to use my motivation and my heartache to reach out to this lost and lonely world. I'm going to be that light in the dark places. I'm going to be the one that reminds people of their importance.

Because even though the person I truly loved broke everything we had, I got to learn that what meant the most to me was simply making him feel like he still mattered in the world.

He still matters to me and I'm doing this because he taught me that without even knowing it.

Hello, Unexpected Heartache.

This morning I woke up and remembered my dreams. They both contained the person I had to let go of. But he came back. I was so excited to get his call in this dream that I searched everywhere for silence to hear his voice because I was surrounded with family members at a big house. I couldn't find anywhere private so that I could talk to him. Finally I did. He was calling because he was going to leave me an encouraging message and didn't know I'd be awake.

I woke up to reality that he is not back in my life. This is one of many dreams I've had of him. The past two months I have accumulated anger inside of me for him. Because anger is so much easier than sadness. Being angry at him and searching all his flaws, I found, was a lot easier on my heart. I didn't even realize how much I stopped praying for him or me. I just focused on my life, my goals, my plans, and my own needs because that's what was getting me through. But, somehow, I feel as though God was calling me out of rest because I got comfortable.

In this new comfort zone, I zoned out into the future of a life where I could just forget about the heartache. But somehow, at night time, it started coming back to me when I realized... my heart is not over its brokenness and I'm not ultimately angry. In fact, I am just broken. I am in need of lamenting; I am in need of prayer; I am in need of more healing. This sudden realization that I am still in desperate need of God's love and grace is putting me in so many tears.

I am so afraid of people who will want to tell me how to feel, that I acted like I didn't miss him anymore. But the truth is, I do miss him. I miss him because he was my best friend. I miss him because I took so much time just to know him, and to understand his flaws and to love him that way. I put my heart on the line just to be with him, even though I knew he wasn't certain about me. And so the anger kept me away from crying these past two months. I held off. I enjoyed my days as myself. I tried to distract myself constantly. I focused on giving friends time. I even put all my worries aside and kept dreaming big like nothing ever happened.

But like a rock slide on my path, my heart was disrupted as if God were telling me, "Stop denying your feelings. Come to Me. Let it out." And here I am. After enough dreams, after enough memories flooded back... Here I am. The unexpected at its best. I am surprised by this sudden overwhelming feeling of love, grief, and forgiveness. For many weeks, I could not get myself to get rid of the anger and to forgive him. But yet here I am remembering all the reasons why I chose him in the first place.

It is taking everything in me not to run to him and to run to God instead. I want to express how much I miss him but I know my fear tells me he doesn't want to hear that. And therefore I feel that going to God will be the safest bet during this unexpected flood of emotions. As much as I want to be angry so that I don't feel anything, I would only be lying to myself.

This is how I feel right now. This is all I know right now. And I'm starting to wonder if this is God's way of showing me that He grieves with us. That we crave someone to just sit with us and let us feel what we feel. To not correct us, to not fix us, but to sit with us. God asked me to rest and for two months I managed to move forward and get things going with myself. But now, as I find myself weak again, I feel as though God is saying... "Get ready for battle. I've got your back." If I am hurting, surely He is hurting with me because my heart wants to love. It doesn't want to feel anger anymore.

Hello, unexpected heartache. I see you now.