Hello, Unexpected Heartache.

This morning I woke up and remembered my dreams. They both contained the person I had to let go of. But he came back. I was so excited to get his call in this dream that I searched everywhere for silence to hear his voice because I was surrounded with family members at a big house. I couldn't find anywhere private so that I could talk to him. Finally I did. He was calling because he was going to leave me an encouraging message and didn't know I'd be awake.

I woke up to reality that he is not back in my life. This is one of many dreams I've had of him. The past two months I have accumulated anger inside of me for him. Because anger is so much easier than sadness. Being angry at him and searching all his flaws, I found, was a lot easier on my heart. I didn't even realize how much I stopped praying for him or me. I just focused on my life, my goals, my plans, and my own needs because that's what was getting me through. But, somehow, I feel as though God was calling me out of rest because I got comfortable.

In this new comfort zone, I zoned out into the future of a life where I could just forget about the heartache. But somehow, at night time, it started coming back to me when I realized... my heart is not over its brokenness and I'm not ultimately angry. In fact, I am just broken. I am in need of lamenting; I am in need of prayer; I am in need of more healing. This sudden realization that I am still in desperate need of God's love and grace is putting me in so many tears.

I am so afraid of people who will want to tell me how to feel, that I acted like I didn't miss him anymore. But the truth is, I do miss him. I miss him because he was my best friend. I miss him because I took so much time just to know him, and to understand his flaws and to love him that way. I put my heart on the line just to be with him, even though I knew he wasn't certain about me. And so the anger kept me away from crying these past two months. I held off. I enjoyed my days as myself. I tried to distract myself constantly. I focused on giving friends time. I even put all my worries aside and kept dreaming big like nothing ever happened.

But like a rock slide on my path, my heart was disrupted as if God were telling me, "Stop denying your feelings. Come to Me. Let it out." And here I am. After enough dreams, after enough memories flooded back... Here I am. The unexpected at its best. I am surprised by this sudden overwhelming feeling of love, grief, and forgiveness. For many weeks, I could not get myself to get rid of the anger and to forgive him. But yet here I am remembering all the reasons why I chose him in the first place.

It is taking everything in me not to run to him and to run to God instead. I want to express how much I miss him but I know my fear tells me he doesn't want to hear that. And therefore I feel that going to God will be the safest bet during this unexpected flood of emotions. As much as I want to be angry so that I don't feel anything, I would only be lying to myself.

This is how I feel right now. This is all I know right now. And I'm starting to wonder if this is God's way of showing me that He grieves with us. That we crave someone to just sit with us and let us feel what we feel. To not correct us, to not fix us, but to sit with us. God asked me to rest and for two months I managed to move forward and get things going with myself. But now, as I find myself weak again, I feel as though God is saying... "Get ready for battle. I've got your back." If I am hurting, surely He is hurting with me because my heart wants to love. It doesn't want to feel anger anymore.

Hello, unexpected heartache. I see you now.

Hello, Sudden Missing.

It has taken me quite a while to sit down and pour out the words I've been meaning to say. But since this blog is about the unexpected things in life, I think now is a better time to write. I have a small audience, which might only include one person for now, but sharing is worth it if just to help one person feel less alone.

This unexpected moment though is a very common one for me. It's that moment you lay in bed at night and all silence falls around you. It's that moment where suddenly you feel a rush of emotions hit and you know exactly what's in your heart. That was my moment last night. I grieved all over again, tears streaming down the side of my face and my whispers only floating through the empty space above me.

I was missing someone.

In fact, I was missing two people. There have been two men on earth that I have loved and one of them has already ascended into Heaven. The other one walked away from me and left me to just wish and dream I won't cry for long. Both of these losses were unexpected and sudden for me. Both of them hurt me deep down inside. They both hurt for many different reasons, but equally important to me. I will forever miss my father who is no longer with me, but it's comforting to know that he is with God and loved me until the end. Unfortunately, I don't know how long I will feel the many emotions that have come from my one and only relationship that ended before I could say a word.

What do you do in those moments where all the anger fades and the pure love returns in your heart? What do you do when you find yourself missing all that was good? That moment for me came out of the blue. I had spent days and days that turned into weeks of focusing on my future, my plans, and my dreams. I was deep down angry inside that he gave up because he made me feel like I'm not good enough. I chose to rise tall and embrace how great I have been made and somehow, even if he didn't know, prove him wrong in every single way.

The anger, even if for just that small moment at night, faded quickly. His smile, his sparkling eyes, his laughter--it all returned like it never left. I cried because I remembered everything. I cried because I could still picture his hand in mine. I cried because I had no say in changing his mind. I cried because I remember how quickly, how easily, and how sudden he changed his mind. I cried because I lost him and I lost him because he wanted to go.

I cannot understand why he would have wanted to go with how dearly, how deeply, and how genuinely I loved him. I took the time to know him and now he is a stranger to me and my mind cannot embrace that reality to its fullest. Somehow, I've moved on. Somehow I've returned to my single state and fell right back into who I was before him. Somehow I was right back to where I started before we reunited last year. Somehow, it's like the months with him were just a dream and one day I woke up.

He is the only one that gets my hands to shake uncontrollably. He is the one I am most scared of. He is the one who now wears dark eyes when our paths accidentally cross. I cannot understand how this is so, yet I move forward in high hopes that either this will fade or I'll wake up and understand it was a nightmare all along. I know it's reality though, I'm fully aware. Anger has kept me from genuine prayer and falling all over again with the tears coming quickly leads me straight back to the Father in such a way that says, "God? I need You."

This change in heart for me all over again is sudden. But honestly, I'm most afraid of falling for him all over again because he's the only one who knew his way into my fragile heart. I wish that were not so just as much as I wish he was back.

Your worth is high, no matter who comes and goes. But I believe the act of missing is just proof that you have a heart that loves. I'm moving forward, no matter what.

Hello, Unexpected.

This is the part where I explain I'm entering a new season in life. You know, where your whole world shifts a bit and you realize that everything you previously imagined has completely changed. This usually means you have to start planning differently or setting new goals because the pathway was disrupted and the road is invisible. This sort of world-shift happened when I lost my dad almost 3 years ago. It happened when I experienced rejection and anxiety so bad I skipped 3 weeks of class. It happened when I put all my effort into a relationship with someone I deeply cared about only to be pushed away unexpectedly.

There is the shift again. There is the climax and the ending soon after. And what do you do when life throws rocks at you? What do you do when your world is turned upside down? What do you do when nothing seems to go the way you once thought? This is a blog I'd like to start as my new journey starts to say...hello, Unexpected. Here you are again.

If you found this blog by any sort of happenstance or from my sharing, please feel free to join along as I embark on another adventure in life. I will write about the unexpected and how I get through it while simultaneously sharing how the Author of my life intertwines His love into my broken pathways. The past couple months or so my pastor had been teaching on the idea of what to do with a God who goes off script. Conveniently at this time, my whole life took a turn, practically forcing me to apply the knowledge immediately and directly.

I know firsthand what it feels like to have everything around you change dramatically and unexpectedly. If anyone knows me, they know I love planning and I tend to plan pretty far ahead as best as I can. I get sucked into the perfect strategic plan at times and not much can hinder me from playing out my plan. I am stubborn when I am committed and I don't like downgrading an idea if I don't have to. But besides those traits, whether they be useful or dangerous at times, I understand quite deeply how you cannot plan the unexpected. I have gathered faith throughout the years and practiced perseverance throughout all my trials.

I am ready for the unexpected and I still attempt to master the concept of planning ahead while also being open to the unexpected to hit at any moment. I believe that God's way is a way we cannot imagine. And if that is so, then He has the ability to disrupt our plans when we seek Him for something better. If I ask God to send me great things and that His will be done, how can I expect to still go ahead with my plans?

Meanwhile on this new journey through the unexpected, I will refuse to allow myself to become selfish. I truly believe that if it's God's will, it includes other people. It will include loving others, it will include sacrifice, it will include endurance, and it will include a lot of faith. I suspect great things are coming and that I cannot guess them at all. It doesn't matter what I personally plan for my life, each new step I take will be gently guided by my Heavenly father. And if you need that hope, that little glimpse of life in a dark world, join me along on this journey and expect the unexpected.

Your life shouldn't be about the amount of money you make, the title you have at your job, the car you drive, nor should it be about the title of the people you know. Good things might come to those who can handle it (or to those who selfishly seek it and end up miserable and alone). The enemy in our lives makes the bad look desirable and we must remember that. Don't give in to the lie. Choose to lose the pride that may tug at you (don't be afraid of the words "I love you"). Okay, those are lyrics, but I agree completely.

Hello, Unexpected. Let's see what you have next.