Hello, Singleness: It's not too late to fall in love this year...

I guess when you really think about it, it's not too late to fall in love this year. It's only the beginning of the 8th month, meaning we have five months left and only God knows what's left to accomplish this year. I honestly can't believe this much time has passed since my first relationship ended, but then again, I was quite distracted by starting a new business.

Reality changes when you actually look around and realize who is actually by your side when life gets tough. But then there are those moments when you take a break from the hustle and bustle and want to share a moment of laughter (or simple conversation) and everyone on your mind you can think of is most likely preoccupied with life (or a spouse and/or kids). And there's nothing wrong with having those friends, but they can't quite relate to you when you're single at twenty-six and have no kids to take up more of your time.

Sure, I'm independent and can go wherever I want and whenever I want... But at the end of the day, who wants to know the tiny accomplishments I make or the dumb moments I've had? Who wants to hear about the complications of starting a company with the tiniest team? Who is going to sit and watch some creepy, psychological thriller with me in the middle of the week?

I've went over a year without feeling that desperate need to have and hold someone, but attending my mom's wedding has reminded me that there is no escaping the internal cry to share moments with another human being in a more-than-friendship sort of way. It reminds me of everything my last relationship lacked and what caused it to fail and the things I was deprived of in the time being. I held back to somehow accomplish his idea of a "normal" relationship, trying to always say the right things at the right time and never embarrass him in public.

Boy, was I missing out.

The problem wasn't that I was capable of embarrassing him in public, but the fact that he would be embarrassed if I acted silly or raised my voice. And all I could think of was how happy I wanted to be outloud. Then there were those exceptional moments that the silliness came out and to me, it was all worth it. But why? Why on earth would I have had to try so hard just to enjoy someone's presence to the fullest? And over the months and months of trying to be rid of my anger over it all, I finally came to a point that made me feel so much more confident in myself.

Hello, Singleness. You've been here for a while and I realize it's not too late to fall in love this year. And I guess I have these hopes he'll come out of nowhere and be this incredibly fun person to be around, respecting me as well as honoring me. It wouldn't feel like some business deal, where I have to have a certain job or amount of money just for him to stay with me (like the last guy). I think it's possible because I just watched my mom marry someone who can be real, serious, funny, and crazy all at the same time and they still know how to enjoy each other's presence. Nothing has to be perfect to make it work. No, you just need two people willing to try their very best to stick together through anything.

I knew the moment I got back from this past fun weekend that I had a lot to think about. I've masked my longing and my pain with my business and refused to go down that road of feeling the emptiness without a partner in life. I've masked it because it was extremely painful for one too many years and I didn't want to feel that way again. I thought I escaped it, but it's so hard to ignore. People think they have the right advice but I'm not looking for advice. The only thing that even helps in this time is the hope that God can send anyone at any time and a friend who can say, "I know exactly how you feel."

I've tried my very best to accept the fact that marriage never happened for me when I thought it would and I even finally became okay with how long it's been taking. I know I'm still young, but it's still been an 8 year battle (with the exception of a 7-month relationship--which was its own battle). But let's be real here. I've tasted and seen what dating is like, what a relationship is like. I still have so many questions and curiosities, like "What would a long road trip be like with someone?" or "How does it feel to be with someone who actually loves me?"

I know there are others out there who might feel the same. I know this because the more stories I hear, the more I am reminded that we all suffer through various battles as humans. I'm  building a career that allows me to know more people, understand more struggles, and see that we are not alone in anything. I'm not the only single person in their mid-twenties who has only experienced 7 months of a relationship. I bet there are others out there who are my age who have never had a relationship at all! I know I'm not the only one who has been rejected either. I'm the only me, but not the only one with these concerns.

I know the wonder is coming back and I know it'll take time for me to adjust to feeling this way all over again. I'll keep moving forward and keep hoping that someday, I'll move on from this season and find my place. I continuously hope to move away from the valley and keep my company going and grow it continuously no matter what. I know that it's possible to find someone along the way to make my days brighter and hug me when things get gray. I know God has my best interest in mind and that all I have to do is endure no matter what. I must stay patient and let life just pan out the way it's meant to pan out.

Things are changing. Things are moving. I am not comfortable for a grand purpose. There is time to fall in love again.

Hello, Hometown.

Wow, I can't believe it took me this long to blog about what's been going on. And because the unexpected happen more than once since my last post. I call this Hello, Hometown, because I did not expect to be back. But allow me to lay down the thoughts and emotions going through my head just in case someone, someday, comes across this blog and relates. My hope is to help someone remember they're not alone in struggles.

I had a room lined up with a sweet couple from my church in Southern California. I stopped worrying about finding roommates and money to rent straight after graduation. (Let's face it, if you don't have a wealthy family helping you out, finding a place right away can be a struggle! Unless you have connections to a high paying job.) Anyway, because I had a room lined up, I focused on my senior year with no extra stress. But come March, still assuming I have that room, I find out they let someone else take it and I was out of luck. I freaked out and spent April looking for my plan B. Mind you, I graduated in a month at that point.

I thought I had a family express they'd take me in if I had nowhere else to go. But when I went to them, they too changed their mind. Confused, I tried so hard to trust God. I told some people at my church and they just sympathized (what more can they do, huh?) I feel like God grabbed my world and turned it upside down on purpose. Determined to figure out why, I went along with everything. I had little to no time to figure it out. I decided I would instead live in my car.

Now, you're probably wondering why I didn't result to immediately finding a job to afford living with roommates in LA. But here's why that didn't work: First off, I founded my startup business in August of 2016. I had been pursuing it every free chance I got since I started it. I used my credit card for t-shirts, the website, you name it. I was going ALL in with no regrets (and still no regrets). I had a room lined up during that time and it comforted me. I knew that I could start my business in LA with the help of the couple from my church who supported me. I was going to pursue photography as extra income while I waited for the website to succeed and all was going to be fine.

I did not foresee the change in living situation (or lack of). And before I knew that was happening, guess what else happened in March? I bought a ticket to England for my vacation after graduating, my way of celebrating. I was going to split costs of hotels and things with a friend and we were going to explore together. So when I lost that room, I had nowhere to stay before and after my LAX flight out to Manchester, England. Could I get a job right after? Nope. My England flight was pre-paid for by a client of mine, non-refundable, and basically set in stone for a 3 week trip. And after weeks and weeks of waiting to at least see if my friend was going, she expressed it was bad timing and changed her mind.

So that was it. After graduating I would have no home, no place for my stuff, and one week to fly out alone to England with no extra spending money because I knew I had to use it on an unexpected storage unit for my things, gas to drive home, and figure it out... and then drive back to LA just to get on my flight. I could not have been more surprised by the outcome of life because nothing, absolutely nothing, went to plan.

Now, you're probably wondering what ended up happening because obviously I've stated I'm back at home. But it didn't start off that way. My mom's home didn't have room for me. All rooms were occupied and the house was actually overpacked with family due to my mom taking in another little family. I figured I'd live in my car until I figured out my life...but then an aunt called and long story short... she offered me a room at her place. Not really an idea place to stay, but it was a room and I had to suck it up and accept it, even though I feared feeling like a kid, living under a family member's roof.

And that was exactly what went down. I was there for a week, all was okay. I drove back down to LA, stayed at a friend's, thought I had a ride to the airport, found out I didn't literally 20 minutes before the time I planned to get picked up, had an anxiety attack, wasted $50 resulting to Lyft, got on my flight, and flew to England. My friends there cancelled on half the plans, I was alone 2/3rds of my trip, and eager to come back home. I come back home and find out my old room is going to be available again soon. I express to my aunt I'm moving out, she treats me like garbage, forces me to get out that day, calling me a kid, I somehow get all my things in my uncle's trunk unexpectedly without any boxes to pack, and I'm out the door and on my way to my mom's.

I start advertising my photography business again and no one schedules. I'm digging into savings like there's no tomorrow just to pay my bills on time. I spend countless hours job hunting just to hate every option because nothing in the central valley fits anything I am passionate about or even went to school for. I no longer had the opportunities I did in LA and I had to start right back at square one. And all I could think is, "How on earth did this happen and why?"

Hello, Hometown. You're just the way I left you.

I'm different now, I see that. I'm determined to get my own place and build my website into a community of people who inspire and help each other. I'm determined to use my art for good and build a company off of it. I'm determined to collaborate with likeminded individuals and turn this all around because I believe God allowed all of this to turn around and end up like this to instead show His glory... And I know He's going to do something impossible because I'm broke as a joke, living at home, starting a business because I refuse to give up.

This is my story and I have to choose to move forward. I am beginning to think that God knew I needed something here at my hometown to get me started that I wouldn't get in LA. I believe that God planned this all out just to remind me and show me that it is impossible for me to know the future and plan for it. It was like this great reminder that I shouldn't be so consumed with what's ahead of me and I shouldn't overly plan or obsess with planning like I tend to do. And He wanted to show me the beauty in the unknown instead of the fear.

So here I am. In a place I didn't imagine being but I'm humbled. I am here to understand yet another reason to empathize with others instead of judge. I'm here to inspire others to show them that when you really want something, it is possible no matter what your circumstances are. I'm here to be a living example of doing what the world doesn't believe you could do. One day I'll rise and look back at this time and understand how completely necessary it was that I lost everything in order to gain everything.

The unexpected is a scary, beautiful, and glorious thing when you let God take the lead in your walk of life. If I didn't come home, I wouldn't have been able to see my sister choose to pursue fashion design and join me in the business. I wouldn't have been able to work closely with her to allow the website to flourish even more and even faster. If I didn't come back this way, I would miss out on all these stories that were here all along. The place I grew up at. And how funny it is that the sermon I heard on my last day in SoCal before I moved away was on the idea that God sometimes tells us to go back home in order to find our way.

Sometimes we just need to go back home and start over.

So here I am.

Hello, Unexpected.

This is the part where I explain I'm entering a new season in life. You know, where your whole world shifts a bit and you realize that everything you previously imagined has completely changed. This usually means you have to start planning differently or setting new goals because the pathway was disrupted and the road is invisible. This sort of world-shift happened when I lost my dad almost 3 years ago. It happened when I experienced rejection and anxiety so bad I skipped 3 weeks of class. It happened when I put all my effort into a relationship with someone I deeply cared about only to be pushed away unexpectedly.

There is the shift again. There is the climax and the ending soon after. And what do you do when life throws rocks at you? What do you do when your world is turned upside down? What do you do when nothing seems to go the way you once thought? This is a blog I'd like to start as my new journey starts to say...hello, Unexpected. Here you are again.

If you found this blog by any sort of happenstance or from my sharing, please feel free to join along as I embark on another adventure in life. I will write about the unexpected and how I get through it while simultaneously sharing how the Author of my life intertwines His love into my broken pathways. The past couple months or so my pastor had been teaching on the idea of what to do with a God who goes off script. Conveniently at this time, my whole life took a turn, practically forcing me to apply the knowledge immediately and directly.

I know firsthand what it feels like to have everything around you change dramatically and unexpectedly. If anyone knows me, they know I love planning and I tend to plan pretty far ahead as best as I can. I get sucked into the perfect strategic plan at times and not much can hinder me from playing out my plan. I am stubborn when I am committed and I don't like downgrading an idea if I don't have to. But besides those traits, whether they be useful or dangerous at times, I understand quite deeply how you cannot plan the unexpected. I have gathered faith throughout the years and practiced perseverance throughout all my trials.

I am ready for the unexpected and I still attempt to master the concept of planning ahead while also being open to the unexpected to hit at any moment. I believe that God's way is a way we cannot imagine. And if that is so, then He has the ability to disrupt our plans when we seek Him for something better. If I ask God to send me great things and that His will be done, how can I expect to still go ahead with my plans?

Meanwhile on this new journey through the unexpected, I will refuse to allow myself to become selfish. I truly believe that if it's God's will, it includes other people. It will include loving others, it will include sacrifice, it will include endurance, and it will include a lot of faith. I suspect great things are coming and that I cannot guess them at all. It doesn't matter what I personally plan for my life, each new step I take will be gently guided by my Heavenly father. And if you need that hope, that little glimpse of life in a dark world, join me along on this journey and expect the unexpected.

Your life shouldn't be about the amount of money you make, the title you have at your job, the car you drive, nor should it be about the title of the people you know. Good things might come to those who can handle it (or to those who selfishly seek it and end up miserable and alone). The enemy in our lives makes the bad look desirable and we must remember that. Don't give in to the lie. Choose to lose the pride that may tug at you (don't be afraid of the words "I love you"). Okay, those are lyrics, but I agree completely.

Hello, Unexpected. Let's see what you have next.