Hello, Where Are You?

Okay, future husband.

I'm convinced you're hiding away in this life you're building for yourself and the moment I step into your path I'm going to probably disrupt a few things. I feel like I'm seeking this instant connection because it just seems like that's the type of person I am and that that's what I need. But then again, who am I to say how we meet? It's frustrating. I've moved to Southern California, found a guy who surprised me a lot and walked away in the end, then moved back home, and then moved the opposite direction and found myself at the bottom of Oregon. And I love it being surrounded by mountains. But you're killin' me, man.

I tried a new church and the whole time I'm thinking, "Is he somewhere roaming this room?" I walk into stores, "Is he here?" I browse online thinking, "Is he searchable if I knew his name?" And it's pathetic, I know. It's crazy, because I'm sitting here thinking, "What is wrong with me? Why can't I just forget about it and wait?" But I did forget for a while and then after months and months of enjoying my singleness and being preoccupied, I realize that my hand is cold and that I still want someone to hold and hug and talk about everything under the sun together. It's frustrating, okay?

I don't want to wonder about you. I don't want to sit here and die inside because you're not here. It seems rather unfair that I would have gone through the years that I have with the pain that I endured for me to just be some 27 year old still wondering when on earth I'll find someone I like again and that it work out great in the end. I try hard to push aside these thoughts time and time again because quite frankly I've got way too much going on to sit and ponder.

But there you are, in the back of my mind nonetheless. And here I am, still convinced you're going to pop out of nowhere during a moment I'm not looking for you. I'll probably laugh later on when I realize how perfectly you came into my life and how awkward we were at first. I look forward to that day, I really do. I look forward to us reminiscing on our first date. However long it takes, I look forward to it.

Well, I hope you find me when I'm pursuing my dreams whole-heartedly and I hope you can sing. I'll try not to be too picky, but singing is one of my favorite languages... It would just be so nice to find someone who can speak it like that with me...

Until then,
Your Future Wife

Hello, Imagination: Being Single at Twenty-Six

Well hello there, Imagination. You're making me realize all over again the inner depths of my heart, my hopes, and my dreams. I've kind of given up for a while. I actually stopped feeling the aches and pains of being unmarried and without kids. In fact, I'm starting to think that the glimpse I got of it in my very first relationship, in a sense, turned me away from it for a bit. Not because I didn't want a relationship anymore, but because I was so hurt by how horribly wrong it went and how disappointed I became after building up 25 years worth of hopes and dreams (or maybe 11). It's not that I wanted that build up, but how could I not have dreamt during the wait?

Rejection was all I really knew. I endured a span of about 9 years feeling rejected by two different guys at two separate times. And then when a guy shows any sort of interest towards me, it's always with someone I cannot see myself in a picture with. And as a photographer, that means something deeper than it sounds. You see, to me, attraction and personality are the two important factors that go into a relationship. A good looking guy with a selfish personality is not going to work out--I would know, as I ended up with that despite our 3 year friendship beforehand. I was unpleasantly surprised that he would become someone so concerned about what he gets out of the relationship and what it looks like for him. I was well aware that the breakup happened because of his fear that I wouldn't look good enough next to him or make enough money.

On the contrary, an unattractive (to me) guy and great personality would have me questioning why I feel that way the whole time. And I'd hate to be with someone who wasn't attracted entirely to me either (again, 'cause let's face it, that's why I was rejected by my ex for three years beforehand when I finally had the courage to ask him why we couldn't be more than friends... Don't know why he dated me later on and dumped me if he knew that all along...).

Anyway. The point I'm trying to make here is my Imagination is back. I imagine what it would feel like to meet someone who truly saw me and someone I saw deeply in return. Something so beautifully mutual that not one of us is giving so much more than the other. I know that I'll know when I find this and a part of me keeps hoping that I don't have to worry or try so hard because he will just pop up out of nowhere and change my life. And that's because I don't want to try and write my story at all. I just want my God-written story because I'm starting to believe that maybe...just maybe I was the one who wrote my attempted last love story... and although I didn't write the ending, it wrote itself out because I needed to know what it felt like to be wrong... It's a hard fate to accept, but it gives me more empathy credit.

And now I'm slowly turning back into that hopeful Stephanie who knows love is special and knows it's worth fighting for no matter what. I'm turning back into the girl who daydreams about it because I'm real, I'm human, and I have feelings. I don't care what other people say anymore. I know my worth is in God and I know God is good and that's all that matters to me. I have so much to look forward to and yet half of it I hope is highly unexpected. That's the point of this blog, right? To truly embrace the unexpected things in life--both good and bad.

Hello, Imagination. I'm glad you're back. :)

Hello, Letting Go.

Or should I say, "Goodbye bitterness"?

Let me be really honest here. Last night was a real night for me. I had been ignoring built up bitterness and unforgiveness because quite frankly, I'm not used to it. I've been that one person who forgives easily, trusts quick, and loves hard. I was used to that life. I've had friends turn on me, get angry with me, and I've fallen fast over hurtful words. But I've also been reunited with them, I've found peace, and I've held onto friendships through thick and thin to my best ability as a human.

But I've never fallen in love so hard with someone who let me walk fully into their life and push me out in one sitting, one hour, and one moment. I've never had to let go of that pain and I've never had that sort of bitterness build up. I'm going to be really open about this because I know there is someone, somewhere out there, struggling with the same thing. And today was the day I finally recognized it to its full extent. Today I became free again.

It started last night, as I was in bed with the lights off and I finally looked up and uttered the words, "Dear God..." There was flashbacks to all the days I neglected proper prayer, all the moments I focused on something to distract myself, and all the hopes and dreams I had without taking a moment to even deal with a bitterness still hiding itself inside of me. I mean, didn't I already deal with it when it first happened? Didn't I walk into church many, many Sundays and confess to God my pain and sorrow? Didn't I confess my anger?

But I never truly let go because I was masking what I didn't want shown and running from possibilities I was afraid of. Last night I truly realized it because I confessed to God that I knew if I forgave the man who took a piece of me with him when he walked away, I would risk caring for him again in my heart. And I knew if I cared again, I would fall again, and if I fell again, I would miss him, and if I missed him, I would be in pain and never move on. And I couldn't get out of this horrible cycle, this fear of attachment, and this rollercoaster ride that had a certain person's name all over it. He's the only one who has ever come into my life the way that he did and the only one who looked at me with eyes I knew I'd never forget.

And I was angry at him because I fell so strongly in love and did not expect this to be the ending. I was angry because it made no sense and being angry helped me forget the forgiving and loving side of me that I always had toward him. But I was so determined last night to bring it all to Jesus, to bring it all to the throne and admit that I did not want to feel that way anymore. That I truly wanted to forgive him and let it all go. That I wanted all that confusion and fear to go away. I didn't want to get anxiety at the idea of running into him someday. I didn't want to go pale at the thought of his presence because of my bitterness and fear in my heart. I wanted out and I wanted to be set free.

It has been too long that I've fought my feelings for someone like him. Someone I know still matters a significant amount to God.

So I confessed. I prayed. I asked for help. And you know what God did? He delivered right on time.

Today was my "Hello, Letting Go." Today I sat in church, my two friends absent, and focused completely on the message. And it was perfect. God reminded me through my pastor that after my resting in Him that I felt last summer, it was time to walk in the Word of God because it is alive and active and I do not need to live in the guilt, shame, bitterness, or unforgiveness. At the end of the sermon, Pastor invited those who were in need of letting things go and being made new in Christ and leaving that place changed. He invited these people up to the front and at the sound of his Amen, he told us to make our way to the front and WALK away from the guilt and shame, walk away from the things we held onto and walk INTO God's presence to be set free. His words still echo in my mind and I can still feel the tears that creeped their way out of my closed eyelids. I can still feel my body shaking inside as I lifted my hands and claimed that freedom.

I walked away lighter. And although I'm used to my bitterness, I have this reminder now that I don't need to let it come back. I can move forward. God is able. God is setting me free from the feelings and reminding me, "You are not the same anymore. You are not your bitterness. You are not your anger. You are new." And to continue such a great Sunday afternoon, I joined friends from church for a wonderful lunch and there were smiling faces and people glad to see me. And I knew in that moment that I was well loved no matter what.

To the one that got away...I am incredibly sorry for how much bitterness I held in. I loved you truly and I meant it all. I forgave you in times of sorrow and I meant ever loving action I ever committed toward you. I hope from now on I can remember you as a person I was able to love and that letting you go was the last way for me to love you enough. Because I did love you enough to let you go and that is why I didn't beg for you to stay. I knew you needed to find yourself and figure out things and I knew that I was too far in advance with love for you that you'd never understand until time did its thing. I was mad because I was too afraid to still love you and I hope someday, even if it takes years, you'll know why.

Hello, Goodbye.

Well, I think it's about time to make something a little more official. And what's more official than actually publicly writing it out in a blog and removing every thought I had about it from my mind to this entry? It's interesting to say hello to the unexpected. But I never really thought about the idea of saying hello to a goodbye. An official goodbye. One that I assumed I made, but maybe I didn't. One that I thought for a while was temporary. One that I thought I'd change my mind on. But it's more real than ever as time passes that saying goodbye could be the best step I take in order to officially move on. So here goes.

Hello, Goodbye. It's about time I utter you and let it sink in. I let a large portion of my heart accommodate a man who wasn't quite ready to own that place. And I also let that man talk me into breaking my own promises. He'd blame me, but that's because he never really did listen to me. If he listened, he would of understand why I was so hesitant in the beginning. He would have understood why I broke off our friendship as many times as I did. He also would have understood that when I was giving up on him, I was trying to walk away to move forward. And if he understood that and respected my feelings, he would have let me go knowing he couldn't afford my worth.

But somehow, he talked me into believing he wanted to give us a try and the honest truth is that I never believed him. But I chose to give him a chance nonetheless. I chose that because I knew he was hard to love and I knew I was the only one willing to do so in his life at that moment. We both humanly entered into that with two separate reasons. Maybe I was a "test run" to him, but I treated him as the "real deal."

I rejected many things in the beginning. I even hesitated a million times on the idea of a first kiss. I kept my face away in fear that I would be wasting my first on someone who didn't actually want me. I guess I saw him slowly attaching himself to me and I guess that eased the mood a bit. And eventually he got more out of me than he paid for, metaphorically speaking. On all the things I explained and said no about, he didn't understand it. In fact, he'd get upset with me for not being willing to do certain things, as if I was the problem. But he didn't listen.

He didn't listen at all.

I was hesitant and afraid because he never could ease my fear. I didn't feel loved by him and he would be irritated when I explained I couldn't see his commitment. Looking back, I was dead on when I believed he wasn't committed. Because if he was, he would have lasted a lot longer than 7 small months. At 25.5 years of life, 7 months was only less than 0.02% of my life. I sensed it coming so many times and chose to believe I could be wrong. That he could stay.

It has been almost an equal amount of time parted from him now, at nearly 7 months more passed by since the initial goodbye. And he never came back. Not to apologize, not to talk it out, nothing. He disappeared like I meant absolutely nothing. It was as if he invested nothing into me and had nothing to lose when he left. And I had to accept that someone such as him did that to me. He invited me into his life, he opened up, he took things from me, special moments, special words, and allowed me to get to know his family. And then he stripped it all away and vanished just like that.

It took a while, but the goodbye finally sits here with me. I disconnected from him completely because it has been enough time to truly understand I am meant to mean more to someone else. And that someone else will come along as my "Hello, Unexpected Stranger" and that blog will be written out. And I hope and pray that the man from my past will not come back and confuse me again. Because it's true, I feared him for so long, I couldn't get rid of him in my heart or my mind. I was tired and yet I couldn't escape him. But I'm ready for that escape. That final and silent goodbye.

I'm ready to be the me without him pulling me down.

Hello, Goodbye. You will vanish with him and I will stand tall. He has no control over me now and I'm certain of it. I will beg for confidence that will keep me strong if his path ever accidentally crosses mine again. He will no longer be able to know or play with my feelings. He couldn't love and I loved too much. I'm ready for a new Hello.

Goodbye, old friend.

Hello, Daydreaming.

I should probably say hello again, but there was a significant pause in these particular daydreams. I know when certain types of daydreams begin again, it means my heart is either shifting to new hopes, or having withdrawals. Let's just face it, I can't help but lay down at night and look forward to the made up scenarios I put in my head. Sometimes I think about why it's happening a lot more now, but I've really always been this way. I'm a dreamer and a hoper. It's hard not to wish for more to come.

I'm starting to become convinced that my heart is actually moving forward a significant amount. I have learned that I missed out on a lot while I endured the months of loving someone more than he loved me. Without him here, the sadness finally subsided and turned into hope for someone new. It's been off and on that way, but this time it came with beautiful daydreams.

Before anyone thinks it as unhealthy, I've somehow mastered the idea of daydreaming being simple entertainment as opposed to false expectations. This occurred when I taught myself that God can bring you something far better than your dreams and that it's impossible to imagine your actual future. With that in mind, I make up great scenarios of my future while simultaneously assuming it will never happen that way. Sometimes I even avoid wishful situations because I don't want to ruin the chance of them happening in real life. Silly, but hey. I'm a creator, storyteller, and adventurer. I'm not going to sit back and not think.

I have been able to truly decipher the difference between being loved and being used. It occurred to me that I can now recognize my worth far more than possible just over a year ago.  I got to see myself love someone who didn't quite deserve it at all and realize the strength it required. Today was one of the first moments since then that I walked down an old pathway where I used to bump into him at in the past and I had a smile on my face because I could see how much I've grown since the girl who walked that path with anxiety and fear. I remember the many tears I cried in the years of being rejected.

His ultimate rejection and walking away has led me to finding the cure to my fragile heart. I now feel as though I've lost the desire for someone like that because they won't end up better. They'll end up gone. My heart has finally wondered and wandered to the idea of being drawn to someone who actually does love me instead of stuck on someone who doesn't. This idea that love is beautiful and attractive seems like it'd be obvious, but it was (and still is) fairly foreign.

But I can see the beauty of it because it's not worth it just to be in a relationship. It's only worth it when both partners are working toward a future (not just one). I probably assumed this in my head when we started a relationship, but I quickly did learn that some guys want the full benefits without paying full price. This happens to me with my photography business all the time. To see it in relationships is sickening. I'm changing that. I'm changing me.

My daydreams are of a guy who pays attention to me, remembers me, and values me. Someone who genuinely wants to know who I am, what I like, and doesn't pick on me for my weaknesses. Someone who doesn't need to be reminded constantly of what I say, like, do, hope for, etc. I already was with someone who couldn't even let me choose what we'd do because he'd change his mind. That was detrimental to me and I now know not to let someone get away with that. He accused me for not choosing what we do for fun, or not making decisions but he blindly missed the sad fact that he didn't hear me nor care to hear me. He forgot my suggestions. He didn't make time for them. He canceled on me. Or he changed plans easily. The only reason we did what he wanted to do all the time was because between he and I, I was the only one who was considerate toward the other. I LET him choose and I took INTEREST in his interests... He totally failed to do so and I wish someone could shout that out into his ear because I already lost connection with him the day he tore us apart.

He lost me and he deserved it. He tried turning it around as if we are different, but he failed to recognized that he was not built for a committed, loyal relationship. He was too selfish and prideful to notice.

Hello, Daydreaming. Thanks for showing me that I am capable of being with a loving guy because my heart deserves to be loved back. I have hopes that he'll come on perfect timing and it's finally starting to feel like it will near. I want a adventure buddy, artistic photo buddy, and someone who is capable of listening to me in return. I'm running a new business that it split into two separate departments that will soon enough intertwine, and I'm putting it all together. I'm leading the way to show the world that I care and I'm listening.

Don't come back to me hoping to take more from me, past. I've already moved on to greener pastures.

Hello, Unexpected Heartache.

This morning I woke up and remembered my dreams. They both contained the person I had to let go of. But he came back. I was so excited to get his call in this dream that I searched everywhere for silence to hear his voice because I was surrounded with family members at a big house. I couldn't find anywhere private so that I could talk to him. Finally I did. He was calling because he was going to leave me an encouraging message and didn't know I'd be awake.

I woke up to reality that he is not back in my life. This is one of many dreams I've had of him. The past two months I have accumulated anger inside of me for him. Because anger is so much easier than sadness. Being angry at him and searching all his flaws, I found, was a lot easier on my heart. I didn't even realize how much I stopped praying for him or me. I just focused on my life, my goals, my plans, and my own needs because that's what was getting me through. But, somehow, I feel as though God was calling me out of rest because I got comfortable.

In this new comfort zone, I zoned out into the future of a life where I could just forget about the heartache. But somehow, at night time, it started coming back to me when I realized... my heart is not over its brokenness and I'm not ultimately angry. In fact, I am just broken. I am in need of lamenting; I am in need of prayer; I am in need of more healing. This sudden realization that I am still in desperate need of God's love and grace is putting me in so many tears.

I am so afraid of people who will want to tell me how to feel, that I acted like I didn't miss him anymore. But the truth is, I do miss him. I miss him because he was my best friend. I miss him because I took so much time just to know him, and to understand his flaws and to love him that way. I put my heart on the line just to be with him, even though I knew he wasn't certain about me. And so the anger kept me away from crying these past two months. I held off. I enjoyed my days as myself. I tried to distract myself constantly. I focused on giving friends time. I even put all my worries aside and kept dreaming big like nothing ever happened.

But like a rock slide on my path, my heart was disrupted as if God were telling me, "Stop denying your feelings. Come to Me. Let it out." And here I am. After enough dreams, after enough memories flooded back... Here I am. The unexpected at its best. I am surprised by this sudden overwhelming feeling of love, grief, and forgiveness. For many weeks, I could not get myself to get rid of the anger and to forgive him. But yet here I am remembering all the reasons why I chose him in the first place.

It is taking everything in me not to run to him and to run to God instead. I want to express how much I miss him but I know my fear tells me he doesn't want to hear that. And therefore I feel that going to God will be the safest bet during this unexpected flood of emotions. As much as I want to be angry so that I don't feel anything, I would only be lying to myself.

This is how I feel right now. This is all I know right now. And I'm starting to wonder if this is God's way of showing me that He grieves with us. That we crave someone to just sit with us and let us feel what we feel. To not correct us, to not fix us, but to sit with us. God asked me to rest and for two months I managed to move forward and get things going with myself. But now, as I find myself weak again, I feel as though God is saying... "Get ready for battle. I've got your back." If I am hurting, surely He is hurting with me because my heart wants to love. It doesn't want to feel anger anymore.

Hello, unexpected heartache. I see you now.

Hello, Sudden Missing.

It has taken me quite a while to sit down and pour out the words I've been meaning to say. But since this blog is about the unexpected things in life, I think now is a better time to write. I have a small audience, which might only include one person for now, but sharing is worth it if just to help one person feel less alone.

This unexpected moment though is a very common one for me. It's that moment you lay in bed at night and all silence falls around you. It's that moment where suddenly you feel a rush of emotions hit and you know exactly what's in your heart. That was my moment last night. I grieved all over again, tears streaming down the side of my face and my whispers only floating through the empty space above me.

I was missing someone.

In fact, I was missing two people. There have been two men on earth that I have loved and one of them has already ascended into Heaven. The other one walked away from me and left me to just wish and dream I won't cry for long. Both of these losses were unexpected and sudden for me. Both of them hurt me deep down inside. They both hurt for many different reasons, but equally important to me. I will forever miss my father who is no longer with me, but it's comforting to know that he is with God and loved me until the end. Unfortunately, I don't know how long I will feel the many emotions that have come from my one and only relationship that ended before I could say a word.

What do you do in those moments where all the anger fades and the pure love returns in your heart? What do you do when you find yourself missing all that was good? That moment for me came out of the blue. I had spent days and days that turned into weeks of focusing on my future, my plans, and my dreams. I was deep down angry inside that he gave up because he made me feel like I'm not good enough. I chose to rise tall and embrace how great I have been made and somehow, even if he didn't know, prove him wrong in every single way.

The anger, even if for just that small moment at night, faded quickly. His smile, his sparkling eyes, his laughter--it all returned like it never left. I cried because I remembered everything. I cried because I could still picture his hand in mine. I cried because I had no say in changing his mind. I cried because I remember how quickly, how easily, and how sudden he changed his mind. I cried because I lost him and I lost him because he wanted to go.

I cannot understand why he would have wanted to go with how dearly, how deeply, and how genuinely I loved him. I took the time to know him and now he is a stranger to me and my mind cannot embrace that reality to its fullest. Somehow, I've moved on. Somehow I've returned to my single state and fell right back into who I was before him. Somehow I was right back to where I started before we reunited last year. Somehow, it's like the months with him were just a dream and one day I woke up.

He is the only one that gets my hands to shake uncontrollably. He is the one I am most scared of. He is the one who now wears dark eyes when our paths accidentally cross. I cannot understand how this is so, yet I move forward in high hopes that either this will fade or I'll wake up and understand it was a nightmare all along. I know it's reality though, I'm fully aware. Anger has kept me from genuine prayer and falling all over again with the tears coming quickly leads me straight back to the Father in such a way that says, "God? I need You."

This change in heart for me all over again is sudden. But honestly, I'm most afraid of falling for him all over again because he's the only one who knew his way into my fragile heart. I wish that were not so just as much as I wish he was back.

Your worth is high, no matter who comes and goes. But I believe the act of missing is just proof that you have a heart that loves. I'm moving forward, no matter what.

Hello, Unexpected.

This is the part where I explain I'm entering a new season in life. You know, where your whole world shifts a bit and you realize that everything you previously imagined has completely changed. This usually means you have to start planning differently or setting new goals because the pathway was disrupted and the road is invisible. This sort of world-shift happened when I lost my dad almost 3 years ago. It happened when I experienced rejection and anxiety so bad I skipped 3 weeks of class. It happened when I put all my effort into a relationship with someone I deeply cared about only to be pushed away unexpectedly.

There is the shift again. There is the climax and the ending soon after. And what do you do when life throws rocks at you? What do you do when your world is turned upside down? What do you do when nothing seems to go the way you once thought? This is a blog I'd like to start as my new journey starts to say...hello, Unexpected. Here you are again.

If you found this blog by any sort of happenstance or from my sharing, please feel free to join along as I embark on another adventure in life. I will write about the unexpected and how I get through it while simultaneously sharing how the Author of my life intertwines His love into my broken pathways. The past couple months or so my pastor had been teaching on the idea of what to do with a God who goes off script. Conveniently at this time, my whole life took a turn, practically forcing me to apply the knowledge immediately and directly.

I know firsthand what it feels like to have everything around you change dramatically and unexpectedly. If anyone knows me, they know I love planning and I tend to plan pretty far ahead as best as I can. I get sucked into the perfect strategic plan at times and not much can hinder me from playing out my plan. I am stubborn when I am committed and I don't like downgrading an idea if I don't have to. But besides those traits, whether they be useful or dangerous at times, I understand quite deeply how you cannot plan the unexpected. I have gathered faith throughout the years and practiced perseverance throughout all my trials.

I am ready for the unexpected and I still attempt to master the concept of planning ahead while also being open to the unexpected to hit at any moment. I believe that God's way is a way we cannot imagine. And if that is so, then He has the ability to disrupt our plans when we seek Him for something better. If I ask God to send me great things and that His will be done, how can I expect to still go ahead with my plans?

Meanwhile on this new journey through the unexpected, I will refuse to allow myself to become selfish. I truly believe that if it's God's will, it includes other people. It will include loving others, it will include sacrifice, it will include endurance, and it will include a lot of faith. I suspect great things are coming and that I cannot guess them at all. It doesn't matter what I personally plan for my life, each new step I take will be gently guided by my Heavenly father. And if you need that hope, that little glimpse of life in a dark world, join me along on this journey and expect the unexpected.

Your life shouldn't be about the amount of money you make, the title you have at your job, the car you drive, nor should it be about the title of the people you know. Good things might come to those who can handle it (or to those who selfishly seek it and end up miserable and alone). The enemy in our lives makes the bad look desirable and we must remember that. Don't give in to the lie. Choose to lose the pride that may tug at you (don't be afraid of the words "I love you"). Okay, those are lyrics, but I agree completely.

Hello, Unexpected. Let's see what you have next.