Well hello there, Imagination. You're making me realize all over again the inner depths of my heart, my hopes, and my dreams. I've kind of given up for a while. I actually stopped feeling the aches and pains of being unmarried and without kids. In fact, I'm starting to think that the glimpse I got of it in my very first relationship, in a sense, turned me away from it for a bit. Not because I didn't want a relationship anymore, but because I was so hurt by how horribly wrong it went and how disappointed I became after building up 25 years worth of hopes and dreams (or maybe 11). It's not that I wanted that build up, but how could I not have dreamt during the wait?
Rejection was all I really knew. I endured a span of about 9 years feeling rejected by two different guys at two separate times. And then when a guy shows any sort of interest towards me, it's always with someone I cannot see myself in a picture with. And as a photographer, that means something deeper than it sounds. You see, to me, attraction and personality are the two important factors that go into a relationship. A good looking guy with a selfish personality is not going to work out--I would know, as I ended up with that despite our 3 year friendship beforehand. I was unpleasantly surprised that he would become someone so concerned about what he gets out of the relationship and what it looks like for him. I was well aware that the breakup happened because of his fear that I wouldn't look good enough next to him or make enough money.
On the contrary, an unattractive (to me) guy and great personality would have me questioning why I feel that way the whole time. And I'd hate to be with someone who wasn't attracted entirely to me either (again, 'cause let's face it, that's why I was rejected by my ex for three years beforehand when I finally had the courage to ask him why we couldn't be more than friends... Don't know why he dated me later on and dumped me if he knew that all along...).
Anyway. The point I'm trying to make here is my Imagination is back. I imagine what it would feel like to meet someone who truly saw me and someone I saw deeply in return. Something so beautifully mutual that not one of us is giving so much more than the other. I know that I'll know when I find this and a part of me keeps hoping that I don't have to worry or try so hard because he will just pop up out of nowhere and change my life. And that's because I don't want to try and write my story at all. I just want my God-written story because I'm starting to believe that maybe...just maybe I was the one who wrote my attempted last love story... and although I didn't write the ending, it wrote itself out because I needed to know what it felt like to be wrong... It's a hard fate to accept, but it gives me more empathy credit.
And now I'm slowly turning back into that hopeful Stephanie who knows love is special and knows it's worth fighting for no matter what. I'm turning back into the girl who daydreams about it because I'm real, I'm human, and I have feelings. I don't care what other people say anymore. I know my worth is in God and I know God is good and that's all that matters to me. I have so much to look forward to and yet half of it I hope is highly unexpected. That's the point of this blog, right? To truly embrace the unexpected things in life--both good and bad.
Hello, Imagination. I'm glad you're back. :)
I will write about the unexpected and how I get through it while simultaneously sharing how the Author of my life intertwines His love into my broken pathways.
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
Monday, February 6, 2017
Hello, Misfit.
Hello, Misfit.
I always knew I grew up differently and felt things deeper than the average person I met. But I'd have to say I'm a little surprised by this one today. I'm a little surprised because I knew that when I came to school to move out and pursue a passion (in reality, I really just wanted to change my life around), I did not expect my feelings to change and shift as much as they did, drifting from what once felt like a fun dream to a dreadful thought. I would have never guessed I'd come to this point, but because it's here, I guess there's no other way but to accept it and move on.
Let's start from the beginning. I enter school and finally get assigned my first video project. I think to myself, "Piece of cake." (And it was). We then move on to what we call here "335" because that's our lazy way of naming the class instead of the title, "TV Cinema Production II." Although most students complain about the complexity of the class and the amount of stress, I find it to become my favorite one. Yes, there was stress, but not in the way that I expected, nor in the way that other complaints I heard were about. And that was the beginning to discovering the reason of my misfit-ness (for the lack of a real term). I'll get more to why later.
Next class I attend for production is our advanced cinema course, in which I finally discovered before it started that I wasn't a part of any of the cliques and I completely missed out. So I get placed on the team that had less people and quickly learn who is in the class. Although I wasn't happy with my leftover position, it wasn't really anyone's fault, not even mine, honestly. It was just reality, and I wouldn't be able to see why yet at that point. I grew to love the people, and I tried my best to love being on set. But I still dreaded the weekends because I was unhappy with what I was doing.
Next, and officially last, I began the senior production course. That's where I'm at today. And that's what is leading me to write this blog and realize this epiphany. Set life doesn't make me happy in general. Because if it did, the people I worked with wouldn't matter. But it does. And I find myself on a really different wavelength than everyone. In fact, I don't even have the energy anymore to stand up for myself when I feel mistreated. And I definitely have been feeling that way. I do it for the sake of my grade, and I'm the editor, so it's nice to increase my editing skills through this. But I'm not happy at all.
I don't know what it is, the vibe or the reality, but it's helping me really see why I even came to APU in the first place. And my reason for coming is playing out clear as day. I came because I wanted to change my life and tell stories. And the only class I got to tell a story that meant something to me was 335. The dreaded production class that made me stand out differently because in that class, I got to do most of it by myself. I got to have independent and control over something that meant a lot to me and if no one helped me, it didn't stop me. And that's the thing, I'm no longer telling a meaningful story working with others because I'm not even working with people that personally know me or like me. In fact, I don't even know if half the group cares to like me. I still do my very best to be respectful and do the best that I can, even when I feel disrespected or put down on a low level.
In reality though, I am dreaming of telling stories that change lives again. That's what I wanted to do and that's sadly what I didn't get to discover as much here at a Christian University. And I was that one student who stood up for Christian films because I knew those people who created them were probably a little like me. When you love Someone so much (God, that is) and you want to tell stories with Him in it no matter what. Even if it's implied instead of explicit. But the most meaningful story I've been a part of was last semester, in which I am thankful for because it gave me hope that deep storytellers still exist and they still treat people right.
The hardest part about this all is the part where I try to open up and explain and I feel unheard or misunderstood. I want people to know that even if I quit school earlier and followed my truest passion, I would have been successful because I've always believed in myself and made dreams into reality as best as I could. I teach myself whatever I want to know and I do whatever I need to get done in order to do it. Some dreams are harder than others (like fashion photography), but I still pursue something similar (like creative photography). I guess I just really want my feelings to be accepted right where they are. No one freaking out at the idea of me dropping school (even though I'm not because I still need time before graduation to figure out things, and also because I'm so close to finishing the semester and I happen to be someone who struggles quitting in the middle of something). But still. I want people to see that if you need school, good, go for it. If you don't, good, do your thing.
We are capable of learning through people no matter what! Whether we read books, learn from experience, peers, or online tutorials--we are capable to do it in any way. Often times, the most successful person was someone who dropped out--and we know that story is very, very true. And you know why? Because passion goes so deep that it will do whatever it takes to make dreams a reality. And those people are out there proving that. And we look down on drop-outs like a degree determines worth and it doesn't.
I'm the misfit in this major because I feel hindered from pursuing and reaching my goals because I happen to not be the type of person that can handle someone else determining my learning path. I learn what I need, I experience what I want, and I succeed at my own rate--and that is OKAY. And it'll always be okay. Because I never want someone who couldn't go to school feel like they aren't capable of being successful. My dear, YES YOU ARE. It's crazy how fast you'll learn something when you're heart is motivated. People love seeing passion--we just forget about it when it gets lost in expensive text books for general education classes that push the young individuals away from focusing on their strengths.
Dream. Collaborate. Travel. Explore. Live. Be the misfit in this world and don't let anyone stop you.
I'm so eager to have time to tell my stories, be creative, and make dreams reality. I'm so eager to travel the world and listen to people from all over. I'm so eager be my own person who stopped following the norms.
I always knew I grew up differently and felt things deeper than the average person I met. But I'd have to say I'm a little surprised by this one today. I'm a little surprised because I knew that when I came to school to move out and pursue a passion (in reality, I really just wanted to change my life around), I did not expect my feelings to change and shift as much as they did, drifting from what once felt like a fun dream to a dreadful thought. I would have never guessed I'd come to this point, but because it's here, I guess there's no other way but to accept it and move on.
Let's start from the beginning. I enter school and finally get assigned my first video project. I think to myself, "Piece of cake." (And it was). We then move on to what we call here "335" because that's our lazy way of naming the class instead of the title, "TV Cinema Production II." Although most students complain about the complexity of the class and the amount of stress, I find it to become my favorite one. Yes, there was stress, but not in the way that I expected, nor in the way that other complaints I heard were about. And that was the beginning to discovering the reason of my misfit-ness (for the lack of a real term). I'll get more to why later.
Next class I attend for production is our advanced cinema course, in which I finally discovered before it started that I wasn't a part of any of the cliques and I completely missed out. So I get placed on the team that had less people and quickly learn who is in the class. Although I wasn't happy with my leftover position, it wasn't really anyone's fault, not even mine, honestly. It was just reality, and I wouldn't be able to see why yet at that point. I grew to love the people, and I tried my best to love being on set. But I still dreaded the weekends because I was unhappy with what I was doing.
Next, and officially last, I began the senior production course. That's where I'm at today. And that's what is leading me to write this blog and realize this epiphany. Set life doesn't make me happy in general. Because if it did, the people I worked with wouldn't matter. But it does. And I find myself on a really different wavelength than everyone. In fact, I don't even have the energy anymore to stand up for myself when I feel mistreated. And I definitely have been feeling that way. I do it for the sake of my grade, and I'm the editor, so it's nice to increase my editing skills through this. But I'm not happy at all.
I don't know what it is, the vibe or the reality, but it's helping me really see why I even came to APU in the first place. And my reason for coming is playing out clear as day. I came because I wanted to change my life and tell stories. And the only class I got to tell a story that meant something to me was 335. The dreaded production class that made me stand out differently because in that class, I got to do most of it by myself. I got to have independent and control over something that meant a lot to me and if no one helped me, it didn't stop me. And that's the thing, I'm no longer telling a meaningful story working with others because I'm not even working with people that personally know me or like me. In fact, I don't even know if half the group cares to like me. I still do my very best to be respectful and do the best that I can, even when I feel disrespected or put down on a low level.
In reality though, I am dreaming of telling stories that change lives again. That's what I wanted to do and that's sadly what I didn't get to discover as much here at a Christian University. And I was that one student who stood up for Christian films because I knew those people who created them were probably a little like me. When you love Someone so much (God, that is) and you want to tell stories with Him in it no matter what. Even if it's implied instead of explicit. But the most meaningful story I've been a part of was last semester, in which I am thankful for because it gave me hope that deep storytellers still exist and they still treat people right.
The hardest part about this all is the part where I try to open up and explain and I feel unheard or misunderstood. I want people to know that even if I quit school earlier and followed my truest passion, I would have been successful because I've always believed in myself and made dreams into reality as best as I could. I teach myself whatever I want to know and I do whatever I need to get done in order to do it. Some dreams are harder than others (like fashion photography), but I still pursue something similar (like creative photography). I guess I just really want my feelings to be accepted right where they are. No one freaking out at the idea of me dropping school (even though I'm not because I still need time before graduation to figure out things, and also because I'm so close to finishing the semester and I happen to be someone who struggles quitting in the middle of something). But still. I want people to see that if you need school, good, go for it. If you don't, good, do your thing.
We are capable of learning through people no matter what! Whether we read books, learn from experience, peers, or online tutorials--we are capable to do it in any way. Often times, the most successful person was someone who dropped out--and we know that story is very, very true. And you know why? Because passion goes so deep that it will do whatever it takes to make dreams a reality. And those people are out there proving that. And we look down on drop-outs like a degree determines worth and it doesn't.
I'm the misfit in this major because I feel hindered from pursuing and reaching my goals because I happen to not be the type of person that can handle someone else determining my learning path. I learn what I need, I experience what I want, and I succeed at my own rate--and that is OKAY. And it'll always be okay. Because I never want someone who couldn't go to school feel like they aren't capable of being successful. My dear, YES YOU ARE. It's crazy how fast you'll learn something when you're heart is motivated. People love seeing passion--we just forget about it when it gets lost in expensive text books for general education classes that push the young individuals away from focusing on their strengths.
Dream. Collaborate. Travel. Explore. Live. Be the misfit in this world and don't let anyone stop you.
I'm so eager to have time to tell my stories, be creative, and make dreams reality. I'm so eager to travel the world and listen to people from all over. I'm so eager be my own person who stopped following the norms.
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