Hello, Where Are You?

Okay, future husband.

I'm convinced you're hiding away in this life you're building for yourself and the moment I step into your path I'm going to probably disrupt a few things. I feel like I'm seeking this instant connection because it just seems like that's the type of person I am and that that's what I need. But then again, who am I to say how we meet? It's frustrating. I've moved to Southern California, found a guy who surprised me a lot and walked away in the end, then moved back home, and then moved the opposite direction and found myself at the bottom of Oregon. And I love it being surrounded by mountains. But you're killin' me, man.

I tried a new church and the whole time I'm thinking, "Is he somewhere roaming this room?" I walk into stores, "Is he here?" I browse online thinking, "Is he searchable if I knew his name?" And it's pathetic, I know. It's crazy, because I'm sitting here thinking, "What is wrong with me? Why can't I just forget about it and wait?" But I did forget for a while and then after months and months of enjoying my singleness and being preoccupied, I realize that my hand is cold and that I still want someone to hold and hug and talk about everything under the sun together. It's frustrating, okay?

I don't want to wonder about you. I don't want to sit here and die inside because you're not here. It seems rather unfair that I would have gone through the years that I have with the pain that I endured for me to just be some 27 year old still wondering when on earth I'll find someone I like again and that it work out great in the end. I try hard to push aside these thoughts time and time again because quite frankly I've got way too much going on to sit and ponder.

But there you are, in the back of my mind nonetheless. And here I am, still convinced you're going to pop out of nowhere during a moment I'm not looking for you. I'll probably laugh later on when I realize how perfectly you came into my life and how awkward we were at first. I look forward to that day, I really do. I look forward to us reminiscing on our first date. However long it takes, I look forward to it.

Well, I hope you find me when I'm pursuing my dreams whole-heartedly and I hope you can sing. I'll try not to be too picky, but singing is one of my favorite languages... It would just be so nice to find someone who can speak it like that with me...

Until then,
Your Future Wife

Hello, Entrepreneur.

It is about time I splatter words here again to awfully explain my unexpected life turns. This time I think I found my next calling. It sort of just happened, but I'm extremely glad it did. It's like the pieces were always there, but God found it time to put them together so I can see the whole. Now I can look back at all the years I've been growing as an individual and take note in the fact that I had a calling before I knew it and God is just too good. I'm pretty sure there is way more to come that I don't know about yet, but that's the beauty of life. You just never know.

It's pretty obvious to me now that I was never really one to "go with the flow." In fact, that is so rare with me that when it happens I honestly feel like something is wrong. When I'm going with the "flow" of anything at all, it is basically me "giving up" on something. It's not really a good thing. I was more of the type who figured out my own solutions to each problem that headed my way. I actually can see this strategic mindset playing a huge role in my past relationship. I think that's why I found ways to make every issue we had work. Unfortunately, he still walked away without caring how I felt about it all, so that problem was impossible to fix with him gone all of a sudden.

Something I will forever hold onto though that he told me a long while back as friends was that I tend to see the bigger picture. And that simple sentence has sat with me all this time. It is true. I have a tendency to step back in every situation or story to view it as a whole. He learned this about me because of my willingness to listen to his life story and view his life as the bigger picture of it all. This helps me encourage people, and the more I recognize I do it, the better it is for me to use when listening to someone.

So let's tie this all into my entrepreneurship I've got going on. I learned something very, very beautiful thanks to the two men I've ever fallen in love with over a span of 8 years. But it was this last one that truly got me to see my heart. I remember the night I told him, "You are my favorite person." And his response: "No one has ever said that to me before." I proceeded to remind him every so often how utterly important he was to me and that he matters in this world. In fact, when he had his break-up speech, my first response was a reminder of that. I will never forget the image I saw when I looked over to see him in the shadows with tears falling down.

That sparked something in me before I knew it. When I hugged him goodbye, I teared up and looked at the sky, and the tree branches before me still show so clearly in my memory. I prayed in that moment that God would give me the strength to handle that heartbreak. And of course, I made it through. I fought hard each day to find my strength again. I saw him about a week later when he was distraught because he was almost fired. And I gave him a gift and yet again reminded him of his worth. When he walked away again, I could not understand at all why this disruption in my life occurred so suddenly. How could I easily lose a best friend? How come my words didn't change his mind? How come I couldn't find a solution to our sudden problem? For the first time, I had no idea what to do and decided to accept what was happening as if it was God's will (as much as I could not understand why.)

To this day, I still believe God had made that beautiful interruption to change the hearts of two beautifully broken people and He proved to me that He is the ultimate Creator of seeing the grand picture. His view was far beyond any bigger picture I could ever imagine and I had to accept that. But it lead me to where I now stand today.

I am meant to change lives.

My calling came in such a dramatic and heart-wrenching time. It came when I lost my best friend and all I could think about is how much it meant to me that I came into his life and showed him how much God loves him. Because even if they walk away, it's still worth it to be that message to them. It's still worth it to plant that seed. I hope and pray now that the seed grows so big that it hurts his heart and bursts into tears of pedals from a beautiful flower growing within. And I pray that he remembers me in that light, despite my human failures of anger when I was hurt. I hope he remembers the good and misses me for that because then I know I did my job. Then I know I fulfilled my purpose in his life.

Hello, Entrepreneur. There are loads of people out there with doubts and failures just like him. There are people who forget their value. There are people who have never been someone's favorite. In fact, I often feel like one of them many, many times. Because he walked away from me, it has placed this dent in my heart that reminds me there are other people who feel pain and heartache. Who will listen? Who will show them love? Who will go out of their way and tell them that they matter?

I decided to put my talents together and oversee a company that stands by that message. That our purpose for serving and selling is to make money to give back to a world that is lost, forgotten, and valuable. I decided to take my ability to see the bigger picture and dream big enough to make something happen. I'm not going to back down. I'm going to use my motivation and my heartache to reach out to this lost and lonely world. I'm going to be that light in the dark places. I'm going to be the one that reminds people of their importance.

Because even though the person I truly loved broke everything we had, I got to learn that what meant the most to me was simply making him feel like he still mattered in the world.

He still matters to me and I'm doing this because he taught me that without even knowing it.

Hello, Unexpected Heartache.

This morning I woke up and remembered my dreams. They both contained the person I had to let go of. But he came back. I was so excited to get his call in this dream that I searched everywhere for silence to hear his voice because I was surrounded with family members at a big house. I couldn't find anywhere private so that I could talk to him. Finally I did. He was calling because he was going to leave me an encouraging message and didn't know I'd be awake.

I woke up to reality that he is not back in my life. This is one of many dreams I've had of him. The past two months I have accumulated anger inside of me for him. Because anger is so much easier than sadness. Being angry at him and searching all his flaws, I found, was a lot easier on my heart. I didn't even realize how much I stopped praying for him or me. I just focused on my life, my goals, my plans, and my own needs because that's what was getting me through. But, somehow, I feel as though God was calling me out of rest because I got comfortable.

In this new comfort zone, I zoned out into the future of a life where I could just forget about the heartache. But somehow, at night time, it started coming back to me when I realized... my heart is not over its brokenness and I'm not ultimately angry. In fact, I am just broken. I am in need of lamenting; I am in need of prayer; I am in need of more healing. This sudden realization that I am still in desperate need of God's love and grace is putting me in so many tears.

I am so afraid of people who will want to tell me how to feel, that I acted like I didn't miss him anymore. But the truth is, I do miss him. I miss him because he was my best friend. I miss him because I took so much time just to know him, and to understand his flaws and to love him that way. I put my heart on the line just to be with him, even though I knew he wasn't certain about me. And so the anger kept me away from crying these past two months. I held off. I enjoyed my days as myself. I tried to distract myself constantly. I focused on giving friends time. I even put all my worries aside and kept dreaming big like nothing ever happened.

But like a rock slide on my path, my heart was disrupted as if God were telling me, "Stop denying your feelings. Come to Me. Let it out." And here I am. After enough dreams, after enough memories flooded back... Here I am. The unexpected at its best. I am surprised by this sudden overwhelming feeling of love, grief, and forgiveness. For many weeks, I could not get myself to get rid of the anger and to forgive him. But yet here I am remembering all the reasons why I chose him in the first place.

It is taking everything in me not to run to him and to run to God instead. I want to express how much I miss him but I know my fear tells me he doesn't want to hear that. And therefore I feel that going to God will be the safest bet during this unexpected flood of emotions. As much as I want to be angry so that I don't feel anything, I would only be lying to myself.

This is how I feel right now. This is all I know right now. And I'm starting to wonder if this is God's way of showing me that He grieves with us. That we crave someone to just sit with us and let us feel what we feel. To not correct us, to not fix us, but to sit with us. God asked me to rest and for two months I managed to move forward and get things going with myself. But now, as I find myself weak again, I feel as though God is saying... "Get ready for battle. I've got your back." If I am hurting, surely He is hurting with me because my heart wants to love. It doesn't want to feel anger anymore.

Hello, unexpected heartache. I see you now.

Hello, Sudden Missing.

It has taken me quite a while to sit down and pour out the words I've been meaning to say. But since this blog is about the unexpected things in life, I think now is a better time to write. I have a small audience, which might only include one person for now, but sharing is worth it if just to help one person feel less alone.

This unexpected moment though is a very common one for me. It's that moment you lay in bed at night and all silence falls around you. It's that moment where suddenly you feel a rush of emotions hit and you know exactly what's in your heart. That was my moment last night. I grieved all over again, tears streaming down the side of my face and my whispers only floating through the empty space above me.

I was missing someone.

In fact, I was missing two people. There have been two men on earth that I have loved and one of them has already ascended into Heaven. The other one walked away from me and left me to just wish and dream I won't cry for long. Both of these losses were unexpected and sudden for me. Both of them hurt me deep down inside. They both hurt for many different reasons, but equally important to me. I will forever miss my father who is no longer with me, but it's comforting to know that he is with God and loved me until the end. Unfortunately, I don't know how long I will feel the many emotions that have come from my one and only relationship that ended before I could say a word.

What do you do in those moments where all the anger fades and the pure love returns in your heart? What do you do when you find yourself missing all that was good? That moment for me came out of the blue. I had spent days and days that turned into weeks of focusing on my future, my plans, and my dreams. I was deep down angry inside that he gave up because he made me feel like I'm not good enough. I chose to rise tall and embrace how great I have been made and somehow, even if he didn't know, prove him wrong in every single way.

The anger, even if for just that small moment at night, faded quickly. His smile, his sparkling eyes, his laughter--it all returned like it never left. I cried because I remembered everything. I cried because I could still picture his hand in mine. I cried because I had no say in changing his mind. I cried because I remember how quickly, how easily, and how sudden he changed his mind. I cried because I lost him and I lost him because he wanted to go.

I cannot understand why he would have wanted to go with how dearly, how deeply, and how genuinely I loved him. I took the time to know him and now he is a stranger to me and my mind cannot embrace that reality to its fullest. Somehow, I've moved on. Somehow I've returned to my single state and fell right back into who I was before him. Somehow I was right back to where I started before we reunited last year. Somehow, it's like the months with him were just a dream and one day I woke up.

He is the only one that gets my hands to shake uncontrollably. He is the one I am most scared of. He is the one who now wears dark eyes when our paths accidentally cross. I cannot understand how this is so, yet I move forward in high hopes that either this will fade or I'll wake up and understand it was a nightmare all along. I know it's reality though, I'm fully aware. Anger has kept me from genuine prayer and falling all over again with the tears coming quickly leads me straight back to the Father in such a way that says, "God? I need You."

This change in heart for me all over again is sudden. But honestly, I'm most afraid of falling for him all over again because he's the only one who knew his way into my fragile heart. I wish that were not so just as much as I wish he was back.

Your worth is high, no matter who comes and goes. But I believe the act of missing is just proof that you have a heart that loves. I'm moving forward, no matter what.