Hello, Freedom.

Here's a little somethin' on my mind that I never necessarily opened up about. At least, not in a blog. And I think it's something very important to recognize. There are going to be people in your life who come and unknowingly cause you to doubt yourself. They question your success and pass worry over to you. It happened to me in a very sad way. It happened from a person that it shouldn't have. But today I can see myself in a much better light and I've been able to also take note in how much more freedom I've found without them.

Let's give a little background. I'm fully aware that my past relationship was discontinued due to his lack of faith in me (and love, I'm sure). And one of my biggest struggles that I tried so hard to communicate about was how often I felt that he didn't  believe in me. It was as if he didn't know how to listen to my passions and encourage me to do what makes me happy. Instead, it really felt like he was trying to make our relationship into a business deal. So in the end, he was hoping for dual income, not companionship. My priority, however, was companionship. And I noticed there were some faults that needed fixings.

He and his friend did a particular bruising to me (mentally). They spoke about their jobs and would somehow throw it in my face (and my friend's face) that they work hard and deserve a certain respect. They would laugh at certain lifestyles and remind us how tired they work and how often it is. It was as if their jobs defined them. And I guess it sort of did. It irritated me because I was undermined too often. My photography business that I started at age 16 meant nothing in their eyes, even though I had the ability to make my own money without being employed and I'm not sure they could do that. I had a service to offer and I took care of myself.

The man I was with worried about me. He worried so much that it hurt my feelings because all I could see is his doubt in me. Would I get a job after college? Would I make a lot of money? Would I pay my loans? Half the time, I felt as if none of this was his business because he showed me no promise of a future with me. He showed me no interest or serious commitment for potential marriage. And because that was the case, I didn't think he deserved to know my financial standings. He ignored the part where I said I took care of myself and that I've financially saved myself from my debts for years. All he could think was that no one in my family would help me out instead of thinking about the fact that I was not privileged like he was. He didn't see my potential for more. He only saw me as a risky asset to his "business relationship" we somehow ended up having.

Before I knew it, he was secretly making decisions on his own that I wouldn't be "rolling in the dough" or getting him his ideal life. He made me feel like I was a child and he was an adult. In reality, I knew that he had a low of growing up to do in the relationship area and losing him was probably for the very, very best. Ever since that ended, I was able to focus on what I wanted to do with my life without someone constantly asking about my debt, my plans, or my career choice. And without that doubtful voice on the side, I could find my "spark" much better.

So then I founded my next startup business, which hasn't been launched, but is definitely in the making as I finish up schooling. I have never felt happier with my plans and I've also been able to embrace this sort of faith that doesn't need to know every detail of my future. And I know God works this way because He has always surprised me with the perfect solution to all my problems. I tend to fail at guessing, but I've been so open to whatever it is He plans to do in my life and it's been extremely liberating.

Without him making me feel bad for a life I haven't even lived yet, I'm able to plan a life I don't even fully know about yet. He's not influencing my decisions and I'm seeing how much better it is that way. I will try my best to continuously forgive him (because the LORD knows how long it's already been taking...) I embrace my ability to empathize with people and understand that life is priceless. Money isn't my goal, but rather putting money in a better place to make a better life. I want to change lives no matter how much I make.

I knew his motives behind the breakup and it explained absolutely everything when he said to me, "My biggest fear is that you'll become extremely successful." The only sad thing about that fear is that he didn't already believe I was capable of becoming successful. But the funny part is that I knew I could. He also said that if I were to make a movie, I would make him look horrible in it. But you know what I said in return? "No, I would make a movie about how great you are." And my final words to him that day were that my goal of the relationship was to love him and remind him that he matters in this world.

Never once did I doubt his potential, his future, or worry about his ability to make money or not. I wouldn't care if he got fired and became broke. Love stands by your side no matter what. And that's why I now know that the next guy to be with me will be someone who pursues me, believes in me, and takes the time to know me in every single way possible. He will love me no matter what my income is, no matter my debt, and no matter my success. And because of that love, I will strive for success in every way and I will soar high because God is my strength.

Hello, Freedom. You're here and I'm going to travel the world and change lives.

Hello, Letting Go.

Or should I say, "Goodbye bitterness"?

Let me be really honest here. Last night was a real night for me. I had been ignoring built up bitterness and unforgiveness because quite frankly, I'm not used to it. I've been that one person who forgives easily, trusts quick, and loves hard. I was used to that life. I've had friends turn on me, get angry with me, and I've fallen fast over hurtful words. But I've also been reunited with them, I've found peace, and I've held onto friendships through thick and thin to my best ability as a human.

But I've never fallen in love so hard with someone who let me walk fully into their life and push me out in one sitting, one hour, and one moment. I've never had to let go of that pain and I've never had that sort of bitterness build up. I'm going to be really open about this because I know there is someone, somewhere out there, struggling with the same thing. And today was the day I finally recognized it to its full extent. Today I became free again.

It started last night, as I was in bed with the lights off and I finally looked up and uttered the words, "Dear God..." There was flashbacks to all the days I neglected proper prayer, all the moments I focused on something to distract myself, and all the hopes and dreams I had without taking a moment to even deal with a bitterness still hiding itself inside of me. I mean, didn't I already deal with it when it first happened? Didn't I walk into church many, many Sundays and confess to God my pain and sorrow? Didn't I confess my anger?

But I never truly let go because I was masking what I didn't want shown and running from possibilities I was afraid of. Last night I truly realized it because I confessed to God that I knew if I forgave the man who took a piece of me with him when he walked away, I would risk caring for him again in my heart. And I knew if I cared again, I would fall again, and if I fell again, I would miss him, and if I missed him, I would be in pain and never move on. And I couldn't get out of this horrible cycle, this fear of attachment, and this rollercoaster ride that had a certain person's name all over it. He's the only one who has ever come into my life the way that he did and the only one who looked at me with eyes I knew I'd never forget.

And I was angry at him because I fell so strongly in love and did not expect this to be the ending. I was angry because it made no sense and being angry helped me forget the forgiving and loving side of me that I always had toward him. But I was so determined last night to bring it all to Jesus, to bring it all to the throne and admit that I did not want to feel that way anymore. That I truly wanted to forgive him and let it all go. That I wanted all that confusion and fear to go away. I didn't want to get anxiety at the idea of running into him someday. I didn't want to go pale at the thought of his presence because of my bitterness and fear in my heart. I wanted out and I wanted to be set free.

It has been too long that I've fought my feelings for someone like him. Someone I know still matters a significant amount to God.

So I confessed. I prayed. I asked for help. And you know what God did? He delivered right on time.

Today was my "Hello, Letting Go." Today I sat in church, my two friends absent, and focused completely on the message. And it was perfect. God reminded me through my pastor that after my resting in Him that I felt last summer, it was time to walk in the Word of God because it is alive and active and I do not need to live in the guilt, shame, bitterness, or unforgiveness. At the end of the sermon, Pastor invited those who were in need of letting things go and being made new in Christ and leaving that place changed. He invited these people up to the front and at the sound of his Amen, he told us to make our way to the front and WALK away from the guilt and shame, walk away from the things we held onto and walk INTO God's presence to be set free. His words still echo in my mind and I can still feel the tears that creeped their way out of my closed eyelids. I can still feel my body shaking inside as I lifted my hands and claimed that freedom.

I walked away lighter. And although I'm used to my bitterness, I have this reminder now that I don't need to let it come back. I can move forward. God is able. God is setting me free from the feelings and reminding me, "You are not the same anymore. You are not your bitterness. You are not your anger. You are new." And to continue such a great Sunday afternoon, I joined friends from church for a wonderful lunch and there were smiling faces and people glad to see me. And I knew in that moment that I was well loved no matter what.

To the one that got away...I am incredibly sorry for how much bitterness I held in. I loved you truly and I meant it all. I forgave you in times of sorrow and I meant ever loving action I ever committed toward you. I hope from now on I can remember you as a person I was able to love and that letting you go was the last way for me to love you enough. Because I did love you enough to let you go and that is why I didn't beg for you to stay. I knew you needed to find yourself and figure out things and I knew that I was too far in advance with love for you that you'd never understand until time did its thing. I was mad because I was too afraid to still love you and I hope someday, even if it takes years, you'll know why.

Hello, Unexpected Heartache.

This morning I woke up and remembered my dreams. They both contained the person I had to let go of. But he came back. I was so excited to get his call in this dream that I searched everywhere for silence to hear his voice because I was surrounded with family members at a big house. I couldn't find anywhere private so that I could talk to him. Finally I did. He was calling because he was going to leave me an encouraging message and didn't know I'd be awake.

I woke up to reality that he is not back in my life. This is one of many dreams I've had of him. The past two months I have accumulated anger inside of me for him. Because anger is so much easier than sadness. Being angry at him and searching all his flaws, I found, was a lot easier on my heart. I didn't even realize how much I stopped praying for him or me. I just focused on my life, my goals, my plans, and my own needs because that's what was getting me through. But, somehow, I feel as though God was calling me out of rest because I got comfortable.

In this new comfort zone, I zoned out into the future of a life where I could just forget about the heartache. But somehow, at night time, it started coming back to me when I realized... my heart is not over its brokenness and I'm not ultimately angry. In fact, I am just broken. I am in need of lamenting; I am in need of prayer; I am in need of more healing. This sudden realization that I am still in desperate need of God's love and grace is putting me in so many tears.

I am so afraid of people who will want to tell me how to feel, that I acted like I didn't miss him anymore. But the truth is, I do miss him. I miss him because he was my best friend. I miss him because I took so much time just to know him, and to understand his flaws and to love him that way. I put my heart on the line just to be with him, even though I knew he wasn't certain about me. And so the anger kept me away from crying these past two months. I held off. I enjoyed my days as myself. I tried to distract myself constantly. I focused on giving friends time. I even put all my worries aside and kept dreaming big like nothing ever happened.

But like a rock slide on my path, my heart was disrupted as if God were telling me, "Stop denying your feelings. Come to Me. Let it out." And here I am. After enough dreams, after enough memories flooded back... Here I am. The unexpected at its best. I am surprised by this sudden overwhelming feeling of love, grief, and forgiveness. For many weeks, I could not get myself to get rid of the anger and to forgive him. But yet here I am remembering all the reasons why I chose him in the first place.

It is taking everything in me not to run to him and to run to God instead. I want to express how much I miss him but I know my fear tells me he doesn't want to hear that. And therefore I feel that going to God will be the safest bet during this unexpected flood of emotions. As much as I want to be angry so that I don't feel anything, I would only be lying to myself.

This is how I feel right now. This is all I know right now. And I'm starting to wonder if this is God's way of showing me that He grieves with us. That we crave someone to just sit with us and let us feel what we feel. To not correct us, to not fix us, but to sit with us. God asked me to rest and for two months I managed to move forward and get things going with myself. But now, as I find myself weak again, I feel as though God is saying... "Get ready for battle. I've got your back." If I am hurting, surely He is hurting with me because my heart wants to love. It doesn't want to feel anger anymore.

Hello, unexpected heartache. I see you now.