This unexpected moment though is a very common one for me. It's that moment you lay in bed at night and all silence falls around you. It's that moment where suddenly you feel a rush of emotions hit and you know exactly what's in your heart. That was my moment last night. I grieved all over again, tears streaming down the side of my face and my whispers only floating through the empty space above me.
I was missing someone.
In fact, I was missing two people. There have been two men on earth that I have loved and one of them has already ascended into Heaven. The other one walked away from me and left me to just wish and dream I won't cry for long. Both of these losses were unexpected and sudden for me. Both of them hurt me deep down inside. They both hurt for many different reasons, but equally important to me. I will forever miss my father who is no longer with me, but it's comforting to know that he is with God and loved me until the end. Unfortunately, I don't know how long I will feel the many emotions that have come from my one and only relationship that ended before I could say a word.
What do you do in those moments where all the anger fades and the pure love returns in your heart? What do you do when you find yourself missing all that was good? That moment for me came out of the blue. I had spent days and days that turned into weeks of focusing on my future, my plans, and my dreams. I was deep down angry inside that he gave up because he made me feel like I'm not good enough. I chose to rise tall and embrace how great I have been made and somehow, even if he didn't know, prove him wrong in every single way.
The anger, even if for just that small moment at night, faded quickly. His smile, his sparkling eyes, his laughter--it all returned like it never left. I cried because I remembered everything. I cried because I could still picture his hand in mine. I cried because I had no say in changing his mind. I cried because I remember how quickly, how easily, and how sudden he changed his mind. I cried because I lost him and I lost him because he wanted to go.
I cannot understand why he would have wanted to go with how dearly, how deeply, and how genuinely I loved him. I took the time to know him and now he is a stranger to me and my mind cannot embrace that reality to its fullest. Somehow, I've moved on. Somehow I've returned to my single state and fell right back into who I was before him. Somehow I was right back to where I started before we reunited last year. Somehow, it's like the months with him were just a dream and one day I woke up.
He is the only one that gets my hands to shake uncontrollably. He is the one I am most scared of. He is the one who now wears dark eyes when our paths accidentally cross. I cannot understand how this is so, yet I move forward in high hopes that either this will fade or I'll wake up and understand it was a nightmare all along. I know it's reality though, I'm fully aware. Anger has kept me from genuine prayer and falling all over again with the tears coming quickly leads me straight back to the Father in such a way that says, "God? I need You."
This change in heart for me all over again is sudden. But honestly, I'm most afraid of falling for him all over again because he's the only one who knew his way into my fragile heart. I wish that were not so just as much as I wish he was back.
Your worth is high, no matter who comes and goes. But I believe the act of missing is just proof that you have a heart that loves. I'm moving forward, no matter what.
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