Hello, Goodbye. It's about time I utter you and let it sink in. I let a large portion of my heart accommodate a man who wasn't quite ready to own that place. And I also let that man talk me into breaking my own promises. He'd blame me, but that's because he never really did listen to me. If he listened, he would of understand why I was so hesitant in the beginning. He would have understood why I broke off our friendship as many times as I did. He also would have understood that when I was giving up on him, I was trying to walk away to move forward. And if he understood that and respected my feelings, he would have let me go knowing he couldn't afford my worth.
But somehow, he talked me into believing he wanted to give us a try and the honest truth is that I never believed him. But I chose to give him a chance nonetheless. I chose that because I knew he was hard to love and I knew I was the only one willing to do so in his life at that moment. We both humanly entered into that with two separate reasons. Maybe I was a "test run" to him, but I treated him as the "real deal."
I rejected many things in the beginning. I even hesitated a million times on the idea of a first kiss. I kept my face away in fear that I would be wasting my first on someone who didn't actually want me. I guess I saw him slowly attaching himself to me and I guess that eased the mood a bit. And eventually he got more out of me than he paid for, metaphorically speaking. On all the things I explained and said no about, he didn't understand it. In fact, he'd get upset with me for not being willing to do certain things, as if I was the problem. But he didn't listen.
He didn't listen at all.
I was hesitant and afraid because he never could ease my fear. I didn't feel loved by him and he would be irritated when I explained I couldn't see his commitment. Looking back, I was dead on when I believed he wasn't committed. Because if he was, he would have lasted a lot longer than 7 small months. At 25.5 years of life, 7 months was only less than 0.02% of my life. I sensed it coming so many times and chose to believe I could be wrong. That he could stay.
It has been almost an equal amount of time parted from him now, at nearly 7 months more passed by since the initial goodbye. And he never came back. Not to apologize, not to talk it out, nothing. He disappeared like I meant absolutely nothing. It was as if he invested nothing into me and had nothing to lose when he left. And I had to accept that someone such as him did that to me. He invited me into his life, he opened up, he took things from me, special moments, special words, and allowed me to get to know his family. And then he stripped it all away and vanished just like that.
It took a while, but the goodbye finally sits here with me. I disconnected from him completely because it has been enough time to truly understand I am meant to mean more to someone else. And that someone else will come along as my "Hello, Unexpected Stranger" and that blog will be written out. And I hope and pray that the man from my past will not come back and confuse me again. Because it's true, I feared him for so long, I couldn't get rid of him in my heart or my mind. I was tired and yet I couldn't escape him. But I'm ready for that escape. That final and silent goodbye.
I'm ready to be the me without him pulling me down.
Hello, Goodbye. You will vanish with him and I will stand tall. He has no control over me now and I'm certain of it. I will beg for confidence that will keep me strong if his path ever accidentally crosses mine again. He will no longer be able to know or play with my feelings. He couldn't love and I loved too much. I'm ready for a new Hello.
Goodbye, old friend.
