Hello, Imagination: Being Single at Twenty-Six

Well hello there, Imagination. You're making me realize all over again the inner depths of my heart, my hopes, and my dreams. I've kind of given up for a while. I actually stopped feeling the aches and pains of being unmarried and without kids. In fact, I'm starting to think that the glimpse I got of it in my very first relationship, in a sense, turned me away from it for a bit. Not because I didn't want a relationship anymore, but because I was so hurt by how horribly wrong it went and how disappointed I became after building up 25 years worth of hopes and dreams (or maybe 11). It's not that I wanted that build up, but how could I not have dreamt during the wait?

Rejection was all I really knew. I endured a span of about 9 years feeling rejected by two different guys at two separate times. And then when a guy shows any sort of interest towards me, it's always with someone I cannot see myself in a picture with. And as a photographer, that means something deeper than it sounds. You see, to me, attraction and personality are the two important factors that go into a relationship. A good looking guy with a selfish personality is not going to work out--I would know, as I ended up with that despite our 3 year friendship beforehand. I was unpleasantly surprised that he would become someone so concerned about what he gets out of the relationship and what it looks like for him. I was well aware that the breakup happened because of his fear that I wouldn't look good enough next to him or make enough money.

On the contrary, an unattractive (to me) guy and great personality would have me questioning why I feel that way the whole time. And I'd hate to be with someone who wasn't attracted entirely to me either (again, 'cause let's face it, that's why I was rejected by my ex for three years beforehand when I finally had the courage to ask him why we couldn't be more than friends... Don't know why he dated me later on and dumped me if he knew that all along...).

Anyway. The point I'm trying to make here is my Imagination is back. I imagine what it would feel like to meet someone who truly saw me and someone I saw deeply in return. Something so beautifully mutual that not one of us is giving so much more than the other. I know that I'll know when I find this and a part of me keeps hoping that I don't have to worry or try so hard because he will just pop up out of nowhere and change my life. And that's because I don't want to try and write my story at all. I just want my God-written story because I'm starting to believe that maybe...just maybe I was the one who wrote my attempted last love story... and although I didn't write the ending, it wrote itself out because I needed to know what it felt like to be wrong... It's a hard fate to accept, but it gives me more empathy credit.

And now I'm slowly turning back into that hopeful Stephanie who knows love is special and knows it's worth fighting for no matter what. I'm turning back into the girl who daydreams about it because I'm real, I'm human, and I have feelings. I don't care what other people say anymore. I know my worth is in God and I know God is good and that's all that matters to me. I have so much to look forward to and yet half of it I hope is highly unexpected. That's the point of this blog, right? To truly embrace the unexpected things in life--both good and bad.

Hello, Imagination. I'm glad you're back. :)