Hello, Imagination: Being Single at Twenty-Six

Well hello there, Imagination. You're making me realize all over again the inner depths of my heart, my hopes, and my dreams. I've kind of given up for a while. I actually stopped feeling the aches and pains of being unmarried and without kids. In fact, I'm starting to think that the glimpse I got of it in my very first relationship, in a sense, turned me away from it for a bit. Not because I didn't want a relationship anymore, but because I was so hurt by how horribly wrong it went and how disappointed I became after building up 25 years worth of hopes and dreams (or maybe 11). It's not that I wanted that build up, but how could I not have dreamt during the wait?

Rejection was all I really knew. I endured a span of about 9 years feeling rejected by two different guys at two separate times. And then when a guy shows any sort of interest towards me, it's always with someone I cannot see myself in a picture with. And as a photographer, that means something deeper than it sounds. You see, to me, attraction and personality are the two important factors that go into a relationship. A good looking guy with a selfish personality is not going to work out--I would know, as I ended up with that despite our 3 year friendship beforehand. I was unpleasantly surprised that he would become someone so concerned about what he gets out of the relationship and what it looks like for him. I was well aware that the breakup happened because of his fear that I wouldn't look good enough next to him or make enough money.

On the contrary, an unattractive (to me) guy and great personality would have me questioning why I feel that way the whole time. And I'd hate to be with someone who wasn't attracted entirely to me either (again, 'cause let's face it, that's why I was rejected by my ex for three years beforehand when I finally had the courage to ask him why we couldn't be more than friends... Don't know why he dated me later on and dumped me if he knew that all along...).

Anyway. The point I'm trying to make here is my Imagination is back. I imagine what it would feel like to meet someone who truly saw me and someone I saw deeply in return. Something so beautifully mutual that not one of us is giving so much more than the other. I know that I'll know when I find this and a part of me keeps hoping that I don't have to worry or try so hard because he will just pop up out of nowhere and change my life. And that's because I don't want to try and write my story at all. I just want my God-written story because I'm starting to believe that maybe...just maybe I was the one who wrote my attempted last love story... and although I didn't write the ending, it wrote itself out because I needed to know what it felt like to be wrong... It's a hard fate to accept, but it gives me more empathy credit.

And now I'm slowly turning back into that hopeful Stephanie who knows love is special and knows it's worth fighting for no matter what. I'm turning back into the girl who daydreams about it because I'm real, I'm human, and I have feelings. I don't care what other people say anymore. I know my worth is in God and I know God is good and that's all that matters to me. I have so much to look forward to and yet half of it I hope is highly unexpected. That's the point of this blog, right? To truly embrace the unexpected things in life--both good and bad.

Hello, Imagination. I'm glad you're back. :)

Hello, Misfit.

Hello, Misfit.

I always knew I grew up differently and felt things deeper than the average person I met. But I'd have to say I'm a little surprised by this one today. I'm a little surprised because I knew that when I came to school to move out and pursue a passion (in reality, I really just wanted to change my life around), I did not expect my feelings to change and shift as much as they did, drifting from what once felt like a fun dream to a dreadful thought. I would have never guessed I'd come to this point, but because it's here, I guess there's no other way but to accept it and move on.

Let's start from the beginning. I enter school and finally get assigned my first video project. I think to myself, "Piece of cake." (And it was). We then move on to what we call here "335" because that's our lazy way of naming the class instead of the title, "TV Cinema Production II." Although most students complain about the complexity of the class and the amount of stress, I find it to become my favorite one. Yes, there was stress, but not in the way that I expected, nor in the way that other complaints I heard were about. And that was the beginning to discovering the reason of my misfit-ness (for the lack of a real term). I'll get more to why later.

Next class I attend for production is our advanced cinema course, in which I finally discovered before it started that I wasn't a part of any of the cliques and I completely missed out. So I get placed on the team that had less people and quickly learn who is in the class. Although I wasn't happy with my leftover position, it wasn't really anyone's fault, not even mine, honestly. It was just reality, and I wouldn't be able to see why yet at that point. I grew to love the people, and I tried my best to love being on set. But I still dreaded the weekends because I was unhappy with what I was doing.

Next, and officially last, I began the senior production course. That's where I'm at today. And that's what is leading me to write this blog and realize this epiphany. Set life doesn't make me happy in general. Because if it did, the people I worked with wouldn't matter. But it does. And I find myself on a really different wavelength than everyone. In fact, I don't even have the energy anymore to stand up for myself when I feel mistreated. And I definitely have been feeling that way. I do it for the sake of my grade, and I'm the editor, so it's nice to increase my editing skills through this. But I'm not happy at all.

I don't know what it is, the vibe or the reality, but it's helping me really see why I even came to APU in the first place. And my reason for coming is playing out clear as day. I came because I wanted to change my life and tell stories. And the only class I got to tell a story that meant something to me was 335. The dreaded production class that made me stand out differently because in that class, I got to do most of it by myself. I got to have independent and control over something that meant a lot to me and if no one helped me, it didn't stop me. And that's the thing, I'm no longer telling a meaningful story working with others because I'm not even working with people that personally know me or like me. In fact, I don't even know if half the group cares to like me. I still do my very best to be respectful and do the best that I can, even when I feel disrespected or put down on a low level.

In reality though, I am dreaming of telling stories that change lives again. That's what I wanted to do and that's sadly what I didn't get to discover as much here at a Christian University. And I was that one student who stood up for Christian films because I knew those people who created them were probably a little like me. When you love Someone so much (God, that is) and you want to tell stories with Him in it no matter what. Even if it's implied instead of explicit. But the most meaningful story I've been a part of was last semester, in which I am thankful for because it gave me hope that deep storytellers still exist and they still treat people right.

The hardest part about this all is the part where I try to open up and explain and I feel unheard or misunderstood. I want people to know that even if I quit school earlier and followed my truest passion, I would have been successful because I've always believed in myself and made dreams into reality as best as I could. I teach myself whatever I want to know and I do whatever I need to get done in order to do it. Some dreams are harder than others (like fashion photography), but I still pursue something similar (like creative photography). I guess I just really want my feelings to be accepted right where they are. No one freaking out at the idea of me dropping school (even though I'm not because I still need time before graduation to figure out things, and also because I'm so close to finishing the semester and I happen to be someone who struggles quitting in the middle of something). But still. I want people to see that if you need school, good, go for it. If you don't, good, do your thing.

We are capable of learning through people no matter what! Whether we read books, learn from experience, peers, or online tutorials--we are capable to do it in any way. Often times, the most successful person was someone who dropped out--and we know that story is very, very true. And you know why? Because passion goes so deep that it will do whatever it takes to make dreams a reality. And those people are out there proving that. And we look down on drop-outs like a degree determines worth and it doesn't.

I'm the misfit in this major because I feel hindered from pursuing and reaching my goals because I happen to not be the type of person that can handle someone else determining my learning path. I learn what I need, I experience what I want, and I succeed at my own rate--and that is OKAY. And it'll always be okay. Because I never want someone who couldn't go to school feel like they aren't capable of being successful. My dear, YES YOU ARE. It's crazy how fast you'll learn something when you're heart is motivated. People love seeing passion--we just forget about it when it gets lost in expensive text books for general education classes that push the young individuals away from focusing on their strengths.

Dream. Collaborate. Travel. Explore. Live. Be the misfit in this world and don't let anyone stop you.

I'm so eager to have time to tell my stories, be creative, and make dreams reality. I'm so eager to travel the world and listen to people from all over. I'm so eager be my own person who stopped following the norms.

Hello, Letting Go.

Or should I say, "Goodbye bitterness"?

Let me be really honest here. Last night was a real night for me. I had been ignoring built up bitterness and unforgiveness because quite frankly, I'm not used to it. I've been that one person who forgives easily, trusts quick, and loves hard. I was used to that life. I've had friends turn on me, get angry with me, and I've fallen fast over hurtful words. But I've also been reunited with them, I've found peace, and I've held onto friendships through thick and thin to my best ability as a human.

But I've never fallen in love so hard with someone who let me walk fully into their life and push me out in one sitting, one hour, and one moment. I've never had to let go of that pain and I've never had that sort of bitterness build up. I'm going to be really open about this because I know there is someone, somewhere out there, struggling with the same thing. And today was the day I finally recognized it to its full extent. Today I became free again.

It started last night, as I was in bed with the lights off and I finally looked up and uttered the words, "Dear God..." There was flashbacks to all the days I neglected proper prayer, all the moments I focused on something to distract myself, and all the hopes and dreams I had without taking a moment to even deal with a bitterness still hiding itself inside of me. I mean, didn't I already deal with it when it first happened? Didn't I walk into church many, many Sundays and confess to God my pain and sorrow? Didn't I confess my anger?

But I never truly let go because I was masking what I didn't want shown and running from possibilities I was afraid of. Last night I truly realized it because I confessed to God that I knew if I forgave the man who took a piece of me with him when he walked away, I would risk caring for him again in my heart. And I knew if I cared again, I would fall again, and if I fell again, I would miss him, and if I missed him, I would be in pain and never move on. And I couldn't get out of this horrible cycle, this fear of attachment, and this rollercoaster ride that had a certain person's name all over it. He's the only one who has ever come into my life the way that he did and the only one who looked at me with eyes I knew I'd never forget.

And I was angry at him because I fell so strongly in love and did not expect this to be the ending. I was angry because it made no sense and being angry helped me forget the forgiving and loving side of me that I always had toward him. But I was so determined last night to bring it all to Jesus, to bring it all to the throne and admit that I did not want to feel that way anymore. That I truly wanted to forgive him and let it all go. That I wanted all that confusion and fear to go away. I didn't want to get anxiety at the idea of running into him someday. I didn't want to go pale at the thought of his presence because of my bitterness and fear in my heart. I wanted out and I wanted to be set free.

It has been too long that I've fought my feelings for someone like him. Someone I know still matters a significant amount to God.

So I confessed. I prayed. I asked for help. And you know what God did? He delivered right on time.

Today was my "Hello, Letting Go." Today I sat in church, my two friends absent, and focused completely on the message. And it was perfect. God reminded me through my pastor that after my resting in Him that I felt last summer, it was time to walk in the Word of God because it is alive and active and I do not need to live in the guilt, shame, bitterness, or unforgiveness. At the end of the sermon, Pastor invited those who were in need of letting things go and being made new in Christ and leaving that place changed. He invited these people up to the front and at the sound of his Amen, he told us to make our way to the front and WALK away from the guilt and shame, walk away from the things we held onto and walk INTO God's presence to be set free. His words still echo in my mind and I can still feel the tears that creeped their way out of my closed eyelids. I can still feel my body shaking inside as I lifted my hands and claimed that freedom.

I walked away lighter. And although I'm used to my bitterness, I have this reminder now that I don't need to let it come back. I can move forward. God is able. God is setting me free from the feelings and reminding me, "You are not the same anymore. You are not your bitterness. You are not your anger. You are new." And to continue such a great Sunday afternoon, I joined friends from church for a wonderful lunch and there were smiling faces and people glad to see me. And I knew in that moment that I was well loved no matter what.

To the one that got away...I am incredibly sorry for how much bitterness I held in. I loved you truly and I meant it all. I forgave you in times of sorrow and I meant ever loving action I ever committed toward you. I hope from now on I can remember you as a person I was able to love and that letting you go was the last way for me to love you enough. Because I did love you enough to let you go and that is why I didn't beg for you to stay. I knew you needed to find yourself and figure out things and I knew that I was too far in advance with love for you that you'd never understand until time did its thing. I was mad because I was too afraid to still love you and I hope someday, even if it takes years, you'll know why.

Hello, Goodbye.

Well, I think it's about time to make something a little more official. And what's more official than actually publicly writing it out in a blog and removing every thought I had about it from my mind to this entry? It's interesting to say hello to the unexpected. But I never really thought about the idea of saying hello to a goodbye. An official goodbye. One that I assumed I made, but maybe I didn't. One that I thought for a while was temporary. One that I thought I'd change my mind on. But it's more real than ever as time passes that saying goodbye could be the best step I take in order to officially move on. So here goes.

Hello, Goodbye. It's about time I utter you and let it sink in. I let a large portion of my heart accommodate a man who wasn't quite ready to own that place. And I also let that man talk me into breaking my own promises. He'd blame me, but that's because he never really did listen to me. If he listened, he would of understand why I was so hesitant in the beginning. He would have understood why I broke off our friendship as many times as I did. He also would have understood that when I was giving up on him, I was trying to walk away to move forward. And if he understood that and respected my feelings, he would have let me go knowing he couldn't afford my worth.

But somehow, he talked me into believing he wanted to give us a try and the honest truth is that I never believed him. But I chose to give him a chance nonetheless. I chose that because I knew he was hard to love and I knew I was the only one willing to do so in his life at that moment. We both humanly entered into that with two separate reasons. Maybe I was a "test run" to him, but I treated him as the "real deal."

I rejected many things in the beginning. I even hesitated a million times on the idea of a first kiss. I kept my face away in fear that I would be wasting my first on someone who didn't actually want me. I guess I saw him slowly attaching himself to me and I guess that eased the mood a bit. And eventually he got more out of me than he paid for, metaphorically speaking. On all the things I explained and said no about, he didn't understand it. In fact, he'd get upset with me for not being willing to do certain things, as if I was the problem. But he didn't listen.

He didn't listen at all.

I was hesitant and afraid because he never could ease my fear. I didn't feel loved by him and he would be irritated when I explained I couldn't see his commitment. Looking back, I was dead on when I believed he wasn't committed. Because if he was, he would have lasted a lot longer than 7 small months. At 25.5 years of life, 7 months was only less than 0.02% of my life. I sensed it coming so many times and chose to believe I could be wrong. That he could stay.

It has been almost an equal amount of time parted from him now, at nearly 7 months more passed by since the initial goodbye. And he never came back. Not to apologize, not to talk it out, nothing. He disappeared like I meant absolutely nothing. It was as if he invested nothing into me and had nothing to lose when he left. And I had to accept that someone such as him did that to me. He invited me into his life, he opened up, he took things from me, special moments, special words, and allowed me to get to know his family. And then he stripped it all away and vanished just like that.

It took a while, but the goodbye finally sits here with me. I disconnected from him completely because it has been enough time to truly understand I am meant to mean more to someone else. And that someone else will come along as my "Hello, Unexpected Stranger" and that blog will be written out. And I hope and pray that the man from my past will not come back and confuse me again. Because it's true, I feared him for so long, I couldn't get rid of him in my heart or my mind. I was tired and yet I couldn't escape him. But I'm ready for that escape. That final and silent goodbye.

I'm ready to be the me without him pulling me down.

Hello, Goodbye. You will vanish with him and I will stand tall. He has no control over me now and I'm certain of it. I will beg for confidence that will keep me strong if his path ever accidentally crosses mine again. He will no longer be able to know or play with my feelings. He couldn't love and I loved too much. I'm ready for a new Hello.

Goodbye, old friend.

Hello, Daydreaming.

I should probably say hello again, but there was a significant pause in these particular daydreams. I know when certain types of daydreams begin again, it means my heart is either shifting to new hopes, or having withdrawals. Let's just face it, I can't help but lay down at night and look forward to the made up scenarios I put in my head. Sometimes I think about why it's happening a lot more now, but I've really always been this way. I'm a dreamer and a hoper. It's hard not to wish for more to come.

I'm starting to become convinced that my heart is actually moving forward a significant amount. I have learned that I missed out on a lot while I endured the months of loving someone more than he loved me. Without him here, the sadness finally subsided and turned into hope for someone new. It's been off and on that way, but this time it came with beautiful daydreams.

Before anyone thinks it as unhealthy, I've somehow mastered the idea of daydreaming being simple entertainment as opposed to false expectations. This occurred when I taught myself that God can bring you something far better than your dreams and that it's impossible to imagine your actual future. With that in mind, I make up great scenarios of my future while simultaneously assuming it will never happen that way. Sometimes I even avoid wishful situations because I don't want to ruin the chance of them happening in real life. Silly, but hey. I'm a creator, storyteller, and adventurer. I'm not going to sit back and not think.

I have been able to truly decipher the difference between being loved and being used. It occurred to me that I can now recognize my worth far more than possible just over a year ago.  I got to see myself love someone who didn't quite deserve it at all and realize the strength it required. Today was one of the first moments since then that I walked down an old pathway where I used to bump into him at in the past and I had a smile on my face because I could see how much I've grown since the girl who walked that path with anxiety and fear. I remember the many tears I cried in the years of being rejected.

His ultimate rejection and walking away has led me to finding the cure to my fragile heart. I now feel as though I've lost the desire for someone like that because they won't end up better. They'll end up gone. My heart has finally wondered and wandered to the idea of being drawn to someone who actually does love me instead of stuck on someone who doesn't. This idea that love is beautiful and attractive seems like it'd be obvious, but it was (and still is) fairly foreign.

But I can see the beauty of it because it's not worth it just to be in a relationship. It's only worth it when both partners are working toward a future (not just one). I probably assumed this in my head when we started a relationship, but I quickly did learn that some guys want the full benefits without paying full price. This happens to me with my photography business all the time. To see it in relationships is sickening. I'm changing that. I'm changing me.

My daydreams are of a guy who pays attention to me, remembers me, and values me. Someone who genuinely wants to know who I am, what I like, and doesn't pick on me for my weaknesses. Someone who doesn't need to be reminded constantly of what I say, like, do, hope for, etc. I already was with someone who couldn't even let me choose what we'd do because he'd change his mind. That was detrimental to me and I now know not to let someone get away with that. He accused me for not choosing what we do for fun, or not making decisions but he blindly missed the sad fact that he didn't hear me nor care to hear me. He forgot my suggestions. He didn't make time for them. He canceled on me. Or he changed plans easily. The only reason we did what he wanted to do all the time was because between he and I, I was the only one who was considerate toward the other. I LET him choose and I took INTEREST in his interests... He totally failed to do so and I wish someone could shout that out into his ear because I already lost connection with him the day he tore us apart.

He lost me and he deserved it. He tried turning it around as if we are different, but he failed to recognized that he was not built for a committed, loyal relationship. He was too selfish and prideful to notice.

Hello, Daydreaming. Thanks for showing me that I am capable of being with a loving guy because my heart deserves to be loved back. I have hopes that he'll come on perfect timing and it's finally starting to feel like it will near. I want a adventure buddy, artistic photo buddy, and someone who is capable of listening to me in return. I'm running a new business that it split into two separate departments that will soon enough intertwine, and I'm putting it all together. I'm leading the way to show the world that I care and I'm listening.

Don't come back to me hoping to take more from me, past. I've already moved on to greener pastures.

Hello, Entrepreneur.

It is about time I splatter words here again to awfully explain my unexpected life turns. This time I think I found my next calling. It sort of just happened, but I'm extremely glad it did. It's like the pieces were always there, but God found it time to put them together so I can see the whole. Now I can look back at all the years I've been growing as an individual and take note in the fact that I had a calling before I knew it and God is just too good. I'm pretty sure there is way more to come that I don't know about yet, but that's the beauty of life. You just never know.

It's pretty obvious to me now that I was never really one to "go with the flow." In fact, that is so rare with me that when it happens I honestly feel like something is wrong. When I'm going with the "flow" of anything at all, it is basically me "giving up" on something. It's not really a good thing. I was more of the type who figured out my own solutions to each problem that headed my way. I actually can see this strategic mindset playing a huge role in my past relationship. I think that's why I found ways to make every issue we had work. Unfortunately, he still walked away without caring how I felt about it all, so that problem was impossible to fix with him gone all of a sudden.

Something I will forever hold onto though that he told me a long while back as friends was that I tend to see the bigger picture. And that simple sentence has sat with me all this time. It is true. I have a tendency to step back in every situation or story to view it as a whole. He learned this about me because of my willingness to listen to his life story and view his life as the bigger picture of it all. This helps me encourage people, and the more I recognize I do it, the better it is for me to use when listening to someone.

So let's tie this all into my entrepreneurship I've got going on. I learned something very, very beautiful thanks to the two men I've ever fallen in love with over a span of 8 years. But it was this last one that truly got me to see my heart. I remember the night I told him, "You are my favorite person." And his response: "No one has ever said that to me before." I proceeded to remind him every so often how utterly important he was to me and that he matters in this world. In fact, when he had his break-up speech, my first response was a reminder of that. I will never forget the image I saw when I looked over to see him in the shadows with tears falling down.

That sparked something in me before I knew it. When I hugged him goodbye, I teared up and looked at the sky, and the tree branches before me still show so clearly in my memory. I prayed in that moment that God would give me the strength to handle that heartbreak. And of course, I made it through. I fought hard each day to find my strength again. I saw him about a week later when he was distraught because he was almost fired. And I gave him a gift and yet again reminded him of his worth. When he walked away again, I could not understand at all why this disruption in my life occurred so suddenly. How could I easily lose a best friend? How come my words didn't change his mind? How come I couldn't find a solution to our sudden problem? For the first time, I had no idea what to do and decided to accept what was happening as if it was God's will (as much as I could not understand why.)

To this day, I still believe God had made that beautiful interruption to change the hearts of two beautifully broken people and He proved to me that He is the ultimate Creator of seeing the grand picture. His view was far beyond any bigger picture I could ever imagine and I had to accept that. But it lead me to where I now stand today.

I am meant to change lives.

My calling came in such a dramatic and heart-wrenching time. It came when I lost my best friend and all I could think about is how much it meant to me that I came into his life and showed him how much God loves him. Because even if they walk away, it's still worth it to be that message to them. It's still worth it to plant that seed. I hope and pray now that the seed grows so big that it hurts his heart and bursts into tears of pedals from a beautiful flower growing within. And I pray that he remembers me in that light, despite my human failures of anger when I was hurt. I hope he remembers the good and misses me for that because then I know I did my job. Then I know I fulfilled my purpose in his life.

Hello, Entrepreneur. There are loads of people out there with doubts and failures just like him. There are people who forget their value. There are people who have never been someone's favorite. In fact, I often feel like one of them many, many times. Because he walked away from me, it has placed this dent in my heart that reminds me there are other people who feel pain and heartache. Who will listen? Who will show them love? Who will go out of their way and tell them that they matter?

I decided to put my talents together and oversee a company that stands by that message. That our purpose for serving and selling is to make money to give back to a world that is lost, forgotten, and valuable. I decided to take my ability to see the bigger picture and dream big enough to make something happen. I'm not going to back down. I'm going to use my motivation and my heartache to reach out to this lost and lonely world. I'm going to be that light in the dark places. I'm going to be the one that reminds people of their importance.

Because even though the person I truly loved broke everything we had, I got to learn that what meant the most to me was simply making him feel like he still mattered in the world.

He still matters to me and I'm doing this because he taught me that without even knowing it.

Hello, Unexpected Heartache.

This morning I woke up and remembered my dreams. They both contained the person I had to let go of. But he came back. I was so excited to get his call in this dream that I searched everywhere for silence to hear his voice because I was surrounded with family members at a big house. I couldn't find anywhere private so that I could talk to him. Finally I did. He was calling because he was going to leave me an encouraging message and didn't know I'd be awake.

I woke up to reality that he is not back in my life. This is one of many dreams I've had of him. The past two months I have accumulated anger inside of me for him. Because anger is so much easier than sadness. Being angry at him and searching all his flaws, I found, was a lot easier on my heart. I didn't even realize how much I stopped praying for him or me. I just focused on my life, my goals, my plans, and my own needs because that's what was getting me through. But, somehow, I feel as though God was calling me out of rest because I got comfortable.

In this new comfort zone, I zoned out into the future of a life where I could just forget about the heartache. But somehow, at night time, it started coming back to me when I realized... my heart is not over its brokenness and I'm not ultimately angry. In fact, I am just broken. I am in need of lamenting; I am in need of prayer; I am in need of more healing. This sudden realization that I am still in desperate need of God's love and grace is putting me in so many tears.

I am so afraid of people who will want to tell me how to feel, that I acted like I didn't miss him anymore. But the truth is, I do miss him. I miss him because he was my best friend. I miss him because I took so much time just to know him, and to understand his flaws and to love him that way. I put my heart on the line just to be with him, even though I knew he wasn't certain about me. And so the anger kept me away from crying these past two months. I held off. I enjoyed my days as myself. I tried to distract myself constantly. I focused on giving friends time. I even put all my worries aside and kept dreaming big like nothing ever happened.

But like a rock slide on my path, my heart was disrupted as if God were telling me, "Stop denying your feelings. Come to Me. Let it out." And here I am. After enough dreams, after enough memories flooded back... Here I am. The unexpected at its best. I am surprised by this sudden overwhelming feeling of love, grief, and forgiveness. For many weeks, I could not get myself to get rid of the anger and to forgive him. But yet here I am remembering all the reasons why I chose him in the first place.

It is taking everything in me not to run to him and to run to God instead. I want to express how much I miss him but I know my fear tells me he doesn't want to hear that. And therefore I feel that going to God will be the safest bet during this unexpected flood of emotions. As much as I want to be angry so that I don't feel anything, I would only be lying to myself.

This is how I feel right now. This is all I know right now. And I'm starting to wonder if this is God's way of showing me that He grieves with us. That we crave someone to just sit with us and let us feel what we feel. To not correct us, to not fix us, but to sit with us. God asked me to rest and for two months I managed to move forward and get things going with myself. But now, as I find myself weak again, I feel as though God is saying... "Get ready for battle. I've got your back." If I am hurting, surely He is hurting with me because my heart wants to love. It doesn't want to feel anger anymore.

Hello, unexpected heartache. I see you now.