Hello, Freedom.

Here's a little somethin' on my mind that I never necessarily opened up about. At least, not in a blog. And I think it's something very important to recognize. There are going to be people in your life who come and unknowingly cause you to doubt yourself. They question your success and pass worry over to you. It happened to me in a very sad way. It happened from a person that it shouldn't have. But today I can see myself in a much better light and I've been able to also take note in how much more freedom I've found without them.

Let's give a little background. I'm fully aware that my past relationship was discontinued due to his lack of faith in me (and love, I'm sure). And one of my biggest struggles that I tried so hard to communicate about was how often I felt that he didn't  believe in me. It was as if he didn't know how to listen to my passions and encourage me to do what makes me happy. Instead, it really felt like he was trying to make our relationship into a business deal. So in the end, he was hoping for dual income, not companionship. My priority, however, was companionship. And I noticed there were some faults that needed fixings.

He and his friend did a particular bruising to me (mentally). They spoke about their jobs and would somehow throw it in my face (and my friend's face) that they work hard and deserve a certain respect. They would laugh at certain lifestyles and remind us how tired they work and how often it is. It was as if their jobs defined them. And I guess it sort of did. It irritated me because I was undermined too often. My photography business that I started at age 16 meant nothing in their eyes, even though I had the ability to make my own money without being employed and I'm not sure they could do that. I had a service to offer and I took care of myself.

The man I was with worried about me. He worried so much that it hurt my feelings because all I could see is his doubt in me. Would I get a job after college? Would I make a lot of money? Would I pay my loans? Half the time, I felt as if none of this was his business because he showed me no promise of a future with me. He showed me no interest or serious commitment for potential marriage. And because that was the case, I didn't think he deserved to know my financial standings. He ignored the part where I said I took care of myself and that I've financially saved myself from my debts for years. All he could think was that no one in my family would help me out instead of thinking about the fact that I was not privileged like he was. He didn't see my potential for more. He only saw me as a risky asset to his "business relationship" we somehow ended up having.

Before I knew it, he was secretly making decisions on his own that I wouldn't be "rolling in the dough" or getting him his ideal life. He made me feel like I was a child and he was an adult. In reality, I knew that he had a low of growing up to do in the relationship area and losing him was probably for the very, very best. Ever since that ended, I was able to focus on what I wanted to do with my life without someone constantly asking about my debt, my plans, or my career choice. And without that doubtful voice on the side, I could find my "spark" much better.

So then I founded my next startup business, which hasn't been launched, but is definitely in the making as I finish up schooling. I have never felt happier with my plans and I've also been able to embrace this sort of faith that doesn't need to know every detail of my future. And I know God works this way because He has always surprised me with the perfect solution to all my problems. I tend to fail at guessing, but I've been so open to whatever it is He plans to do in my life and it's been extremely liberating.

Without him making me feel bad for a life I haven't even lived yet, I'm able to plan a life I don't even fully know about yet. He's not influencing my decisions and I'm seeing how much better it is that way. I will try my best to continuously forgive him (because the LORD knows how long it's already been taking...) I embrace my ability to empathize with people and understand that life is priceless. Money isn't my goal, but rather putting money in a better place to make a better life. I want to change lives no matter how much I make.

I knew his motives behind the breakup and it explained absolutely everything when he said to me, "My biggest fear is that you'll become extremely successful." The only sad thing about that fear is that he didn't already believe I was capable of becoming successful. But the funny part is that I knew I could. He also said that if I were to make a movie, I would make him look horrible in it. But you know what I said in return? "No, I would make a movie about how great you are." And my final words to him that day were that my goal of the relationship was to love him and remind him that he matters in this world.

Never once did I doubt his potential, his future, or worry about his ability to make money or not. I wouldn't care if he got fired and became broke. Love stands by your side no matter what. And that's why I now know that the next guy to be with me will be someone who pursues me, believes in me, and takes the time to know me in every single way possible. He will love me no matter what my income is, no matter my debt, and no matter my success. And because of that love, I will strive for success in every way and I will soar high because God is my strength.

Hello, Freedom. You're here and I'm going to travel the world and change lives.

Hello, Bad Day.

Not really sure where to start, but let's just say this week did not greet me well. After losing my key to my apartment somewhere before I drove my car 4.5 hours back to school, I had to immediately dive back into classes and stress. But then Thursday happens. Good ol' Thursday. My Wednesday was a normal day. I worked, had lunch, took a nap, did homework, did slight online shopping for an extra battery for my camera, then went to bed.

Upon waking up on Thursday morning to my alarm, I was extremely tired because sleep was hard to come by (even with my sleep aid pill I only take on nights I know I won't sleep). Nothing gets this body to get drowsy except daylight! Anyway. I wake up and realize I was just dreaming about my ex-boyfriend and his dad was there, married to this really young chick. I don't think he wanted me there (we were at some house I've never seen in my life). But my ex was glad I was there and I was just sort of going with it. I don't remember all the details except when I woke up and thought, "What? That was weird..."

I realize I'm running late and rush to get ready. I grab a quick breakfast, grab my purse and backpack, and head outside. Upon approaching my car which was right out front of my apartment, I notice my hand sanitizer bottle on the ground by my car. That was my first clue that something was up. I grab the bottle and realize all my doors are unlocked, all my stuff in the car is messed with and there's my car's paperwork thrown out on the seat, my sunglasses and my mom's cassette tapes in the middle department, my receipts thrown out of another small compartment, and my t-shirts box in the back move out of place.

I felt so violated and disgusted knowing this happened and fearfully opened my trunk, hoping and praying that I didn't accidentally leave anything of value to me in there because that's usually where I temporally hide the good stuff if I don't have time to carry it to my apartment when I'm parked far away. It had been a crazy week already, I was still slowly taking things inside after my trip home. I knew I took out my cameras and only had household things in there, like a stool (photography prop, hah), my tripod, another box of t-shirts, air mattress, vacuum box from the portable handheld vacuum I use in the car, and some oil for the car.

And then there was my new camera's box it came in packed inside of the box it was shipped in (a plain brown box). It was left wide open with the camera box missing. As happy as I am the camera wasn't in there (because I'm not that dumb and I wouldn't just casually have a new camera chillin' over night in a car), I'm still upset they took a box that I intended to keep with manuals I would have liked in case I needed them, and in case someday I sell the camera. I love keeping my original boxes to my equipment because I'm a photographer and new equipment is like a new baby. I'm sad because it's something I literally cannot replace unless I buy a whole new camera (which obviously isn't happening haha). But in the end, yes, I am thankful that I had nothing worth stealing in the car. I have double and triple checked that my new camera is safe in its bag just to feel better.

To the person who was dumb enough to take an empty box and dirty my car... I hope you get caught and suffer consequences for invading people's property. Just get a job and make your own money!

On another note, I really need to hurry up and graduate so I can have time to work and get income and buy a new car! I need one with keys that automatically lock it so I never have to fear if I remembered to manually do it.

Hello, Unexpected Purchases.

Today I did something radical. In fact, it's the second radical thing I did and I'm not even ashamed because my faith has sky-rocketed in the past few months and I couldn't be more proud of my God. He heals broken hearts, comforts the grieving and shows up right on time to solve your biggest problems. And when one bad thing happens, a good thing comes in return. And when that good thing comes, I'm not afraid for another bad to try and compete because I know the power of my God and I know I'm not afraid because of that.

Today I purchased my next dream camera. It's been since 2011 that I felt this way when I purchased my last camera. I eagerly waited for it to arrive, explaining to my students' mom that I had a package coming that I needed to sign for before I could come teach the kids. And I delayed work to sign for that package, born on October 4, 2011. I went to teach and 2 hours later I could finally come home to unbox that new baby and feel inspired to do great things. And I did just that.

I did great things. And as the years went by, those great things faded and faded, especially with school. And I lost a part of me. A good part. A part I was so fond of and yet couldn't find for months and months out of each year I was in school. I was almost angry that I got myself stuck in a place that didn't let me explore, be, grow the way I was used to. But at the same time, I was thankful for the challenge. I was thankful for the people I met and the friends I made. Because that, to me, was worth the cost that college came with and I wouldn't change my past one bit. Well, maybe a few tiny things. But who cares! I am greater because of my battles.

I wanted to save up for it, I did. I wanted to feel "responsible" the way the world judges responsibility and make everyone around me happy (or my way of avoiding someone telling me how to live my life, hah.) But this debt of mine is mine and mine alone. The money I make is on my own and the items I purchase are my chosen investments. You see, my business has always been photography and I'll always have that part in me. I will find myself on photo sessions, feeling proud of the outcome and sharing it on social media because it's a story worth telling. This is why I know I couldn't save up for something grand when I need something grand to make that happen.

Let's make it simpler to understand. I'm used to using items to make money, and that's called business. And in that business, I invest in equipment that helps me produce a product that holds value. To someone else they see a camera worth $3k or more, but to me, I see thousands of dollars in trade for stories, memories, and art to place in someone's home to cherish forever. Because let's face it, memories are more valuable than money and people don't pay for money, they pay for goods, services, hopes, dreams, memories, and the list goes on. I'm not trying to collect money-no, no, no--I'm trying to trade it in for the greater things and let it help me give to others those greater things in life, those greater memories, and those greater moments.

I don't see debt, I see a sum of money I need to earn through the investments I properly chose. A businessperson would understand completely the idea of buying wholesales in order to resell each item for a higher price in order to make a profit. And the average person who strays from business would somewhat, sorta understand so long as it is explained or searched on Google. Well, that's basically been my life and I didn't even know it. I knew what it was like to take something small and multiply into endless possibilities. You spend first, earn later. That's basic business.

So hello to unexpected purchases, because my motivation came back, my hope came back, and my faith soar high--finally after all this time. Because all I want to do is trade in the riches in this world for the priceless gifts it holds. All I want to do is make someone's day while simultaneously doing my best to change the world. And as someone once told me, a wise old man well into his career in business: Money isn't bad. Earning a lot of money isn't bad either. You don't have to love money in order to make money. Because if you take from the money lovers and the prideful, you allow it to be placed in your hands and you can decide of the better places that money can go toward. (These words were my paraphrase, but the concept was his.)

I will never forget when he said that because I finally started to see the value (and only value) that money has. It alone is worth nothing. But it can be traded for something that can change lives, and until you notice that, you'll always strive for money and end up empty and alone.

I grew up earning my money with services. I never felt good spending money I didn't earn myself. The only time I allowed it was when I was young and my dad asked if I wanted a snack and as his child I said yes and let him buy me food. He helped bring me on this earth, he helped me get through and provided for me for many, many years before losing his job and eventually years later losing his life. I'm changed because of that but if there is one thing I remember is that he traded in his money for something that made his daughter happy. He practiced the value in it even when times were tough. He provided food no matter what, no matter how, even when I was able to purchase my own (which I did, but he still brought home food). My mom was the same, always feeding us and taking care of us. I grew up not with the idea that money gives you everything but that everything is found in people and in love.

Before I change subjects, I will conclude to say that before making my dream purchase of something I know will bring me great things and further both my business (photography AND my startup), I decided to purchase something that will help someone else's dream first and now I have all the more reason to earn that money back because I knew where it was spent. Not everyone has the advantage of credit, I understand, but I worked my way toward it and I earned it because I always, no matter what, pay my loaners back because they help me reach dreams and deserve my loyalty. That's how I view investing and I always will.

Hello, Imagination: Being Single at Twenty-Six

Well hello there, Imagination. You're making me realize all over again the inner depths of my heart, my hopes, and my dreams. I've kind of given up for a while. I actually stopped feeling the aches and pains of being unmarried and without kids. In fact, I'm starting to think that the glimpse I got of it in my very first relationship, in a sense, turned me away from it for a bit. Not because I didn't want a relationship anymore, but because I was so hurt by how horribly wrong it went and how disappointed I became after building up 25 years worth of hopes and dreams (or maybe 11). It's not that I wanted that build up, but how could I not have dreamt during the wait?

Rejection was all I really knew. I endured a span of about 9 years feeling rejected by two different guys at two separate times. And then when a guy shows any sort of interest towards me, it's always with someone I cannot see myself in a picture with. And as a photographer, that means something deeper than it sounds. You see, to me, attraction and personality are the two important factors that go into a relationship. A good looking guy with a selfish personality is not going to work out--I would know, as I ended up with that despite our 3 year friendship beforehand. I was unpleasantly surprised that he would become someone so concerned about what he gets out of the relationship and what it looks like for him. I was well aware that the breakup happened because of his fear that I wouldn't look good enough next to him or make enough money.

On the contrary, an unattractive (to me) guy and great personality would have me questioning why I feel that way the whole time. And I'd hate to be with someone who wasn't attracted entirely to me either (again, 'cause let's face it, that's why I was rejected by my ex for three years beforehand when I finally had the courage to ask him why we couldn't be more than friends... Don't know why he dated me later on and dumped me if he knew that all along...).

Anyway. The point I'm trying to make here is my Imagination is back. I imagine what it would feel like to meet someone who truly saw me and someone I saw deeply in return. Something so beautifully mutual that not one of us is giving so much more than the other. I know that I'll know when I find this and a part of me keeps hoping that I don't have to worry or try so hard because he will just pop up out of nowhere and change my life. And that's because I don't want to try and write my story at all. I just want my God-written story because I'm starting to believe that maybe...just maybe I was the one who wrote my attempted last love story... and although I didn't write the ending, it wrote itself out because I needed to know what it felt like to be wrong... It's a hard fate to accept, but it gives me more empathy credit.

And now I'm slowly turning back into that hopeful Stephanie who knows love is special and knows it's worth fighting for no matter what. I'm turning back into the girl who daydreams about it because I'm real, I'm human, and I have feelings. I don't care what other people say anymore. I know my worth is in God and I know God is good and that's all that matters to me. I have so much to look forward to and yet half of it I hope is highly unexpected. That's the point of this blog, right? To truly embrace the unexpected things in life--both good and bad.

Hello, Imagination. I'm glad you're back. :)

Hello, Misfit.

Hello, Misfit.

I always knew I grew up differently and felt things deeper than the average person I met. But I'd have to say I'm a little surprised by this one today. I'm a little surprised because I knew that when I came to school to move out and pursue a passion (in reality, I really just wanted to change my life around), I did not expect my feelings to change and shift as much as they did, drifting from what once felt like a fun dream to a dreadful thought. I would have never guessed I'd come to this point, but because it's here, I guess there's no other way but to accept it and move on.

Let's start from the beginning. I enter school and finally get assigned my first video project. I think to myself, "Piece of cake." (And it was). We then move on to what we call here "335" because that's our lazy way of naming the class instead of the title, "TV Cinema Production II." Although most students complain about the complexity of the class and the amount of stress, I find it to become my favorite one. Yes, there was stress, but not in the way that I expected, nor in the way that other complaints I heard were about. And that was the beginning to discovering the reason of my misfit-ness (for the lack of a real term). I'll get more to why later.

Next class I attend for production is our advanced cinema course, in which I finally discovered before it started that I wasn't a part of any of the cliques and I completely missed out. So I get placed on the team that had less people and quickly learn who is in the class. Although I wasn't happy with my leftover position, it wasn't really anyone's fault, not even mine, honestly. It was just reality, and I wouldn't be able to see why yet at that point. I grew to love the people, and I tried my best to love being on set. But I still dreaded the weekends because I was unhappy with what I was doing.

Next, and officially last, I began the senior production course. That's where I'm at today. And that's what is leading me to write this blog and realize this epiphany. Set life doesn't make me happy in general. Because if it did, the people I worked with wouldn't matter. But it does. And I find myself on a really different wavelength than everyone. In fact, I don't even have the energy anymore to stand up for myself when I feel mistreated. And I definitely have been feeling that way. I do it for the sake of my grade, and I'm the editor, so it's nice to increase my editing skills through this. But I'm not happy at all.

I don't know what it is, the vibe or the reality, but it's helping me really see why I even came to APU in the first place. And my reason for coming is playing out clear as day. I came because I wanted to change my life and tell stories. And the only class I got to tell a story that meant something to me was 335. The dreaded production class that made me stand out differently because in that class, I got to do most of it by myself. I got to have independent and control over something that meant a lot to me and if no one helped me, it didn't stop me. And that's the thing, I'm no longer telling a meaningful story working with others because I'm not even working with people that personally know me or like me. In fact, I don't even know if half the group cares to like me. I still do my very best to be respectful and do the best that I can, even when I feel disrespected or put down on a low level.

In reality though, I am dreaming of telling stories that change lives again. That's what I wanted to do and that's sadly what I didn't get to discover as much here at a Christian University. And I was that one student who stood up for Christian films because I knew those people who created them were probably a little like me. When you love Someone so much (God, that is) and you want to tell stories with Him in it no matter what. Even if it's implied instead of explicit. But the most meaningful story I've been a part of was last semester, in which I am thankful for because it gave me hope that deep storytellers still exist and they still treat people right.

The hardest part about this all is the part where I try to open up and explain and I feel unheard or misunderstood. I want people to know that even if I quit school earlier and followed my truest passion, I would have been successful because I've always believed in myself and made dreams into reality as best as I could. I teach myself whatever I want to know and I do whatever I need to get done in order to do it. Some dreams are harder than others (like fashion photography), but I still pursue something similar (like creative photography). I guess I just really want my feelings to be accepted right where they are. No one freaking out at the idea of me dropping school (even though I'm not because I still need time before graduation to figure out things, and also because I'm so close to finishing the semester and I happen to be someone who struggles quitting in the middle of something). But still. I want people to see that if you need school, good, go for it. If you don't, good, do your thing.

We are capable of learning through people no matter what! Whether we read books, learn from experience, peers, or online tutorials--we are capable to do it in any way. Often times, the most successful person was someone who dropped out--and we know that story is very, very true. And you know why? Because passion goes so deep that it will do whatever it takes to make dreams a reality. And those people are out there proving that. And we look down on drop-outs like a degree determines worth and it doesn't.

I'm the misfit in this major because I feel hindered from pursuing and reaching my goals because I happen to not be the type of person that can handle someone else determining my learning path. I learn what I need, I experience what I want, and I succeed at my own rate--and that is OKAY. And it'll always be okay. Because I never want someone who couldn't go to school feel like they aren't capable of being successful. My dear, YES YOU ARE. It's crazy how fast you'll learn something when you're heart is motivated. People love seeing passion--we just forget about it when it gets lost in expensive text books for general education classes that push the young individuals away from focusing on their strengths.

Dream. Collaborate. Travel. Explore. Live. Be the misfit in this world and don't let anyone stop you.

I'm so eager to have time to tell my stories, be creative, and make dreams reality. I'm so eager to travel the world and listen to people from all over. I'm so eager be my own person who stopped following the norms.

Hello, Letting Go.

Or should I say, "Goodbye bitterness"?

Let me be really honest here. Last night was a real night for me. I had been ignoring built up bitterness and unforgiveness because quite frankly, I'm not used to it. I've been that one person who forgives easily, trusts quick, and loves hard. I was used to that life. I've had friends turn on me, get angry with me, and I've fallen fast over hurtful words. But I've also been reunited with them, I've found peace, and I've held onto friendships through thick and thin to my best ability as a human.

But I've never fallen in love so hard with someone who let me walk fully into their life and push me out in one sitting, one hour, and one moment. I've never had to let go of that pain and I've never had that sort of bitterness build up. I'm going to be really open about this because I know there is someone, somewhere out there, struggling with the same thing. And today was the day I finally recognized it to its full extent. Today I became free again.

It started last night, as I was in bed with the lights off and I finally looked up and uttered the words, "Dear God..." There was flashbacks to all the days I neglected proper prayer, all the moments I focused on something to distract myself, and all the hopes and dreams I had without taking a moment to even deal with a bitterness still hiding itself inside of me. I mean, didn't I already deal with it when it first happened? Didn't I walk into church many, many Sundays and confess to God my pain and sorrow? Didn't I confess my anger?

But I never truly let go because I was masking what I didn't want shown and running from possibilities I was afraid of. Last night I truly realized it because I confessed to God that I knew if I forgave the man who took a piece of me with him when he walked away, I would risk caring for him again in my heart. And I knew if I cared again, I would fall again, and if I fell again, I would miss him, and if I missed him, I would be in pain and never move on. And I couldn't get out of this horrible cycle, this fear of attachment, and this rollercoaster ride that had a certain person's name all over it. He's the only one who has ever come into my life the way that he did and the only one who looked at me with eyes I knew I'd never forget.

And I was angry at him because I fell so strongly in love and did not expect this to be the ending. I was angry because it made no sense and being angry helped me forget the forgiving and loving side of me that I always had toward him. But I was so determined last night to bring it all to Jesus, to bring it all to the throne and admit that I did not want to feel that way anymore. That I truly wanted to forgive him and let it all go. That I wanted all that confusion and fear to go away. I didn't want to get anxiety at the idea of running into him someday. I didn't want to go pale at the thought of his presence because of my bitterness and fear in my heart. I wanted out and I wanted to be set free.

It has been too long that I've fought my feelings for someone like him. Someone I know still matters a significant amount to God.

So I confessed. I prayed. I asked for help. And you know what God did? He delivered right on time.

Today was my "Hello, Letting Go." Today I sat in church, my two friends absent, and focused completely on the message. And it was perfect. God reminded me through my pastor that after my resting in Him that I felt last summer, it was time to walk in the Word of God because it is alive and active and I do not need to live in the guilt, shame, bitterness, or unforgiveness. At the end of the sermon, Pastor invited those who were in need of letting things go and being made new in Christ and leaving that place changed. He invited these people up to the front and at the sound of his Amen, he told us to make our way to the front and WALK away from the guilt and shame, walk away from the things we held onto and walk INTO God's presence to be set free. His words still echo in my mind and I can still feel the tears that creeped their way out of my closed eyelids. I can still feel my body shaking inside as I lifted my hands and claimed that freedom.

I walked away lighter. And although I'm used to my bitterness, I have this reminder now that I don't need to let it come back. I can move forward. God is able. God is setting me free from the feelings and reminding me, "You are not the same anymore. You are not your bitterness. You are not your anger. You are new." And to continue such a great Sunday afternoon, I joined friends from church for a wonderful lunch and there were smiling faces and people glad to see me. And I knew in that moment that I was well loved no matter what.

To the one that got away...I am incredibly sorry for how much bitterness I held in. I loved you truly and I meant it all. I forgave you in times of sorrow and I meant ever loving action I ever committed toward you. I hope from now on I can remember you as a person I was able to love and that letting you go was the last way for me to love you enough. Because I did love you enough to let you go and that is why I didn't beg for you to stay. I knew you needed to find yourself and figure out things and I knew that I was too far in advance with love for you that you'd never understand until time did its thing. I was mad because I was too afraid to still love you and I hope someday, even if it takes years, you'll know why.

Hello, Goodbye.

Well, I think it's about time to make something a little more official. And what's more official than actually publicly writing it out in a blog and removing every thought I had about it from my mind to this entry? It's interesting to say hello to the unexpected. But I never really thought about the idea of saying hello to a goodbye. An official goodbye. One that I assumed I made, but maybe I didn't. One that I thought for a while was temporary. One that I thought I'd change my mind on. But it's more real than ever as time passes that saying goodbye could be the best step I take in order to officially move on. So here goes.

Hello, Goodbye. It's about time I utter you and let it sink in. I let a large portion of my heart accommodate a man who wasn't quite ready to own that place. And I also let that man talk me into breaking my own promises. He'd blame me, but that's because he never really did listen to me. If he listened, he would of understand why I was so hesitant in the beginning. He would have understood why I broke off our friendship as many times as I did. He also would have understood that when I was giving up on him, I was trying to walk away to move forward. And if he understood that and respected my feelings, he would have let me go knowing he couldn't afford my worth.

But somehow, he talked me into believing he wanted to give us a try and the honest truth is that I never believed him. But I chose to give him a chance nonetheless. I chose that because I knew he was hard to love and I knew I was the only one willing to do so in his life at that moment. We both humanly entered into that with two separate reasons. Maybe I was a "test run" to him, but I treated him as the "real deal."

I rejected many things in the beginning. I even hesitated a million times on the idea of a first kiss. I kept my face away in fear that I would be wasting my first on someone who didn't actually want me. I guess I saw him slowly attaching himself to me and I guess that eased the mood a bit. And eventually he got more out of me than he paid for, metaphorically speaking. On all the things I explained and said no about, he didn't understand it. In fact, he'd get upset with me for not being willing to do certain things, as if I was the problem. But he didn't listen.

He didn't listen at all.

I was hesitant and afraid because he never could ease my fear. I didn't feel loved by him and he would be irritated when I explained I couldn't see his commitment. Looking back, I was dead on when I believed he wasn't committed. Because if he was, he would have lasted a lot longer than 7 small months. At 25.5 years of life, 7 months was only less than 0.02% of my life. I sensed it coming so many times and chose to believe I could be wrong. That he could stay.

It has been almost an equal amount of time parted from him now, at nearly 7 months more passed by since the initial goodbye. And he never came back. Not to apologize, not to talk it out, nothing. He disappeared like I meant absolutely nothing. It was as if he invested nothing into me and had nothing to lose when he left. And I had to accept that someone such as him did that to me. He invited me into his life, he opened up, he took things from me, special moments, special words, and allowed me to get to know his family. And then he stripped it all away and vanished just like that.

It took a while, but the goodbye finally sits here with me. I disconnected from him completely because it has been enough time to truly understand I am meant to mean more to someone else. And that someone else will come along as my "Hello, Unexpected Stranger" and that blog will be written out. And I hope and pray that the man from my past will not come back and confuse me again. Because it's true, I feared him for so long, I couldn't get rid of him in my heart or my mind. I was tired and yet I couldn't escape him. But I'm ready for that escape. That final and silent goodbye.

I'm ready to be the me without him pulling me down.

Hello, Goodbye. You will vanish with him and I will stand tall. He has no control over me now and I'm certain of it. I will beg for confidence that will keep me strong if his path ever accidentally crosses mine again. He will no longer be able to know or play with my feelings. He couldn't love and I loved too much. I'm ready for a new Hello.

Goodbye, old friend.